i really hate blogging. really, i do. i've done sufficient thinking in the lead-up to this rambling post to tire my brain out and rid me of any desire to further exert the thinking circuits tonight, although i should. but while such thoughts cooped up in my head will benefit me and me alone, hopefully on this stage it will find larger audience.
i've realised recently that much of my moodiness and depression is due to my dread of anything that appears on my schedule. this is even though everything on my schedule, save army, is there by my choice, and is something that i strongly want to do. this is because at heart, i'm exceedingly lazy, and want nothing better than to lie in bed and do nothing very much. the dread of upcoming activities and my dismay at having them is far more overwhelming than the activity itself.
i take a new mindset about these days. to quote a theme from american culture, "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." even if you happen to be female i suppose, but perhaps they think differently. i've put all these things into my schedule, and i should just get on with them because i know that i should be doing these things, and leave the worrying to God who is able.
i was on branch duty today. was getting quite happy to see every person but one left by six. usually the last person lets the clerk off early if all other matters have been settled, but this officer is new, and this custom was not adhered to. and so i waited, and helped with the work, and fought against the thought that had this lady compassion, i could've left an hour earlier. and smiled, and did my duty with all due diligence, to the point of chasing her down after she left to pass her something she left behind. wandering home, i discovered that there was no family dinner, on account that there wasn't any family around. it then occurred to me that if everything went well, i could make youth prayer meeting sorta kinda on time, so, not even pausing to change, i whizzed back out the door and downstairs for dinner.
i ordered food. i remember that quite clearly. then i bought a paper and sat down to wait. paper was boring, i finished it in under five minutes. food failed to materialise. read paper again. read articles that i skipped the first time through. read paper again. and again, in between staring at my watch and watching my fingernails grow.
i was tempted to go and enquire after my food after fifteen minutes, but i told myself to have patience. i really wanted to go ask after my food after twenty minutes, but i recall doing that once and bumping into the lady carrying my order out. at twenty-five minutes i was just too stunned at the incredible wait to approach the store. at thirty minutes i got up and went to stand with the crowd at the counter. eye contact was made, the lady suddenly became very agitated, and i returned to my seat.
i realise recently that i am quite incapable of short posts. but oh well, at least people who come here will be entertained for more than thirty seconds, right?
within five minutes, my food came, and the lady apologized profusely. with a wan smile, i politely informed her that waiting for thirty minues was "yi1 dian3 tai4 guo4 fen4 ba", i.e. abit too much. she apologized profusely.
my initial reaction was never to eat there ever again. then i checked myself, remembering that she had apologized, and that served as a mitigating factor. then it occurred to me that
had she made excuses for herself, i might have been less upset. it helps me, it seems, to have some kind of explanation for the delay, which i can choose to believe in to alleviate the anger somehow. as in, to focus on the excuse, to convince myself that no wrong was done to me, and calm myself. and it all seemed so wrong somehow.
it seems that if one person apologizes, the other person now has a choice to forgive the first person. but if no apology was ever made, and excuses given instead, how can the person who was wronged forgive the first person, when the second person isn't entirely sure something wrong has been done... like, i'd feel rather arrogant if i said "i forgive you for dropping an ice-cream cone on me" when it wasn't your fault that you tripped over some small whiny kid.
conversely, how can the person who has sinned accept forgiveness if he chooses to deceive himself that he has done nothing wrong? if you never admit your sin, even to yourself, then how can you accept forgiveness. you cannot receive forgiveness for a crime you claim you did not commit.
while God's forgiveness is freely given, we cannot accept it without confessing our sin. this is why confessing our sin brings freedom in Christ, while blustering and hiding our faults breeds darkness.
i now realise that no matter what her response to me was, my response to her should always be the same, to love.
and i discarded the thought of never patronizing the store again as unneccessarily vindictive, and resolved instead to sit within immediate line-of-sight of the store so she would not forget my order again.
