echoes...

this happened a couple of weeks ago, during yet another prolonged absence from the blogboard, but i'm only writing it now.

it was the morning of Nov 6th, after a semi-sleepless night half-spent standing by my camp's main gate and waiting for people to appear so that i could open the gate for them. now that i think about it, i remind myself of those doors on that legendary starship, the Heart of Gold (go read H2G2!!) - "Thank you for making a simple door very happy!" *ugh*

so it was a sunday, and i was somewhat sleepy, suffering from sunday morning stupor, aided by somniferous sermon, so i decided to just flip through my notebook.

its an old notebook... used it way back in J1, half-filled it, then stopped for some reason. been carrying it around recently, but not really making entries in it... out of the habit. so i flip through the notebook, taking a glimpse into my life as a J1.....

it truly boggled the mind. i was numbshocked. and saddened.

recorded in those pages were the thoughts and prayers of someone whose life was totally focused on God. every decision, every problem, every plan came under the dominion of God. verses, reflections, prayers, the kind of journalling i'm trying unsuccessfully to do now. i read the prayers, and i saw someone who wanted with all his heart to submit each and every facet of his life into God's hands, with no regard for his own wants. put me in mind of the song lyrics.

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void, and
I've been searching
For that missing person

i wonder where that person has gone, and whether he will ever come back. i wonder if its right to regret, and to be grieved over his disappearance. whether or not, like Aslan said in the Chronicles of Narnia, that you can never come back the same way twice. and whether or not that fire was merely laying the foundations for a stronger Christian life. but all the same.....

Look down and see this waiting host
And send the promised Holy Ghost
We NEED another Pentecost
Send the fire today!

i wanted to write more, but my sister is talking to me and i'm distracted. sigh... plus i need to go. late for rehearsal. sigh........

i want that same kind of fire, the all out burning passion to know God more, and to be known by Him. O Lord...

ever since starting work at my current job, i have begun to understand why some people display violent tendencies, why they throw things around, smash things up, create general mayhem. i have been much tempted to do the same myself. things like overturning tables, smashing computer monitors, throwing anything throwable, to more queer forms of rebellion such as - sitting under a table and refusing to talk to anyone for an entire day. finding an important document and systematically shredding it into minute pieces and scattering it over the floor. or just disappearing out of the office and going wandering round and round camp until it's time to go home.

it's attention-seeking, really. i felt, and still feel, unfairly treated. that people who don't work are getting away with it, and that the undone work falls on those who are left. and on days when the stress really gets to me, then such thoughts come into my mind, as a way to highlight my problems without actually ratting on someone.

and the sad thing is, i think it works. i have seen first hand how the organisation treats people who appear to be incapable of holding responsibility - they get less responsibility!! and they are given all kinds of leeway with regards to rules and such, and no one touches them. whereas it is entirely possible for someone who tries and fails to get penalised, for doing so much more than those slackers who act like they're dead, and avoid all responsibility. so i get frustrated. but then, i could never be like one of them.

i used to have a coworker who was capable and responsible. we worked well together, and urged each other on. now he has left, and i am left, left with incompetents and/or skivers.


i have also discovered that i am an extremely judgemental person. God give me strength to love people as they are, and not try to constantly harp on their faults.


i was listening to a song the other day, a song which i knew relatively well, and sang often. but listening to it afresh that day, i discovered that what i had been singing all along had only been the chorus, and that the verse too was written beautifully, and it meant alot to me.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban

not giving up.

like it says. not giving up.


i suppose that when i'm too tired to do properly productive things, i can just settle for doing the mundane, brainless, menial tasks which are part of everyday life. like, chores and stuff. i can show God's love in my life without engaging the brain too much. it's nice to be able to show love in such a great variety of ways... never gets boring. will attempt to do chores immediately after this.


been hearing this song on the radio recently - it is possibly the most.... erm.... campy.. song.. since the one about the Witch Doctor. to refresh fading memories, it went something like

Ooh Eeh Ooh Aah Aah
Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang

but now i like this song!

oh OH oh sHe'S FoLLOwiNg mE
oh OH!! oh shE'S oUt oF hEr trEe
oH Oh OH SHe'S oFf of HeR RoCkEr
I wANna mArrY my STALKER!!!!

wo0h0o!! super fun song. no idea who it's by. =)

oh the irony of it all...

is that when i have a thousand things to say here, its when i have no time. too busy doing all the things that i sometimes feel like talking about. sigh....


events of note:

bought iPod mini. it is green. it seems like this is one of those possessions which may end up possessing the owner if he is not careful. beware.

the setup is annoying me. i suppose that getting it second hand means that i may have been short-changed the EZ Guide to Setting Up Your iPod Mini, which is proving frustrating. i need someone to teach me how to use iTunes. please?

heckuva taxing week. two guard duties, as well as one other "wayang" show where i stayed back in the office till 0130am in the morning, doing absolutely nothing, just to show that my branch is doing some work. firstly, it was a near-total waste of time. secondly, i doubt i did the image of my branch any good by sitting around reading /sleeping. thirdly, it was at least the third four-hour-of-sleep night i have had this week, which tends to impede the brain functionality. and the other nights weren't great either.

passed driving, basic theory. attempted to book a date for the advanced theory yesterday, but by some convergence of unfortunate circumstances, my test has been booked for this coming friday. morning. and i haven't even cracked open the theory book yet. i foresee a minor miracle, because it occurs to me that if i somehow pass the test now, i can book a driving test before i end army, which was what i was planning around.

and to think i haven't even gotten a driving instructor yet. perhaps planning too far ahead. ah well.

oh yeah, and effective immediately, i'm renouncing dota. having been addicted to it for about a month now, i think things have gone abit too far. i've spent seven hours this weekend playing, a rate which i haven't reached perhaps since the halcyon days of secondary school, when i would play ten hours in a single day. i have since renounced those days, and have no intention of reverting to my hedonistic self. i authorise anyone seeing me playing, or even reading about dota online, to issue a verbal warning. y'know, like "halt! put your hands in the air". stuff like that.

upcoming major exercise in camp, which is rumoured to be stay-in for two weeks. i have been slated to do a job which i have no idea how to do. it seems to pose yet another major hurdle to me turning up for musical rehearsals. sigh...

there is nary a moments to lose. we are all involved in a mission that is far greater than any of our daily troubles, and i struggle to remember that each minute and each second. i try, and i fail, but hey! at least nowadays i even try. it's a great improvement, yet there are miles to go.

everyday, i see more of my frailty. there is nothing good in man, not one thing. O wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of death?

Hosanna, hosanna to the Lamb that was slain.
Hosanna, hosanna, Jesus died and rose again.


reading: The Case for Faith, Lee Strobel. anyone got a good book to lend me?




hallelujah, the iPod appears to be working. shame i can't bring it to camp though. saw a iPod Nano just now... looks fragile. does not fit into hand well. plus it was pink. happier with this one that i have.