ever since starting work at my current job, i have begun to understand why some people display violent tendencies, why they throw things around, smash things up, create general mayhem. i have been much tempted to do the same myself. things like overturning tables, smashing computer monitors, throwing anything throwable, to more queer forms of rebellion such as - sitting under a table and refusing to talk to anyone for an entire day. finding an important document and systematically shredding it into minute pieces and scattering it over the floor. or just disappearing out of the office and going wandering round and round camp until it's time to go home.
it's attention-seeking, really. i felt, and still feel, unfairly treated. that people who don't work are getting away with it, and that the undone work falls on those who are left. and on days when the stress really gets to me, then such thoughts come into my mind, as a way to highlight my problems without actually ratting on someone.
and the sad thing is, i think it works. i have seen first hand how the organisation treats people who appear to be incapable of holding responsibility - they get less responsibility!! and they are given all kinds of leeway with regards to rules and such, and no one touches them. whereas it is entirely possible for someone who tries and fails to get penalised, for doing so much more than those slackers who act like they're dead, and avoid all responsibility. so i get frustrated. but then, i could never be like one of them.
i used to have a coworker who was capable and responsible. we worked well together, and urged each other on. now he has left, and i am left, left with incompetents and/or skivers.
i have also discovered that i am an extremely judgemental person. God give me strength to love people as they are, and not try to constantly harp on their faults.
i was listening to a song the other day, a song which i knew relatively well, and sang often. but listening to it afresh that day, i discovered that what i had been singing all along had only been the chorus, and that the verse too was written beautifully, and it meant alot to me.
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until You come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.
You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban
