before i get to the point,
http://www.zradio.com/index/listen/
for edifying music. w00t!!
anyway.
i felt rather better after that rant. one of those things about having two hours of sleep is that suddenly everything seems incredibly funny to you. or to me, anyway. spent a considerable amount of time laughing hysterically. which is quite an achievement considering that most people who know me simply CANNOT imagine me laughing hysterically. well.. its your loss. =)
monday was an alright kind of day. survived, although i was really getting quite annoying near the end of the day, being short of sleep and short of temper.
approximately 15 hours after posting that last post there, i had answered prayer. praying for direction, for open doors... someone invited me to lead worship at tuesday's prayer meeting.... seems that my name had popped up mysteriously, my name specifically. i forgot to ask what time my name popped up... if someone told me it was 4am, it would be so cool.
funny thing is, after doing it once again, i don't think that it's something i'm really called to do... im just, ambivalent about the whole thing... like, i'll do it if you ask me, but i won't be the one stepping forward. hmm...
and at the end of tuesday, i discovered that i could go to range with a much better attitude towards the whole thing. hallelujah.
i really thank God for keeping me throughout the range... i was kept and protected and sheltered, and given enough for me to overflow to others too... even though my branch's recognised (multiple-award winning) skiver did his usual thing and got himself an MC to excuse himself, as was expected.
it didn't start off particularly well... i discovered that the foresight tip (non-SAF-personnel: it's an aiming device of sorts) on my weapon was faulty... stuck at maximum elevation, can't bring it down. after much deliberation, i got my weapon replaced. then i found out that all the 3SG's (that's me!) were slated once again to be the official sai-kang elite warriors for the range... clearing point IC, along with 4 more guys as chamber ICs, which means 5 people out of a total of 8 on duty at any one point of time... this not inclusive of the time actually spent firing... i wasn't particularly happy, but i was peaceful, which is miles better than how i was at 3am on monday.
the other reason why i'm not particularly eager to go for range, besides the noise, is the fact that i'm not particularly confident handling my weapon... not particularly fond of handling highly explosive bits of unyielding metal, especially when they are placed inside a device designed to make them explode. i am danger-averse, adrenalin-shy, amongst many other things.
but i thank God for this, amongst many other things, that my new weapon was working perfectly. not once did the weapon jam and cause me to take immediate action to rectify the problem (i tend to stress out here), most of the guys which i had to supervise had absolutely no problems with their weapons, and the few which did have problems managed to resolve the problem without much trouble. between the earplugs and the helmet i got quite a headache in mid-afternoon, but that cleared itself up with a little rest. the only time i had a weapon problem (it was the magazine, not the rifle) was so late in the day that i had become reasonably confident to sort out the problem.
and between all my duties and taking my test, i was kept just busy enough that the day passed quickly, uneventfully, pleasantly, with just sufficient rest to keep me going. i think i actually scored high enough to get marksman, but seeing as i was on duty when the marks were read out i don't know for sure. the whole thing actually came off really well, and i have only pleasant memories of a day which i had dreaded for so long. it's almost unbelievable.
most of this post was written over a week ago, but i was interrupted, ran out of time, and didn't find time to continue till now... oops. =)
Jan 26, 2006
Jan 23, 2006
3am finds me sitting here in front of the computer, not feeling sleepy in the least. which is very weird, because i do love my sleep. i do.
perhaps it was the disappointment of watching Liverpool lose 1-0 to Man U about an hour ago to a last-minute goal. perhaps its the stuffed nose, or the fact that this house manages to keep itself at a toasty 28 degrees celsius even at 3am (this is a guesstimate). or perhaps its because my lower back (sacroiliac?) appears to have some issues with my mattress, and refuses to consort with it. which is aggravating the mild headache which comes with mild dehydration.
perhaps i'm an insomniac hypochondriac. and it rhymes with sacroiliac. woo.
some days it feels like life is just trampling all over me. somehow things seem a whole lot less certain at 3am in the morning. i'm not sure of very much at this particular moment... whether i really want to end up teaching (dead-end career, low pay), whether i could stand to do anything else besides teach, whether i might be able to use my talents at a higher level.
that thing that Jesus said is haunting me tonight... the bit about "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" that bit. Jesus said a whole lotta tough things. I am unsure of my salvation tonight. If even those who prophesied, who cast out demons, and who performed many miracles are not admitted into the kingdom of heaven, how much less I, who do none of the above. to give it some context - "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." We have all taken our salvation for granted - beware.
I have reflected much on this before - what does it mean to call Jesus Lord? Merriam-Webster puts it as such: a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due (emphasis added by me). Historically, the term Lord was used of one to whom complete allegiance was sworn, even unto death. and that is the kind of allegiance that is demanded of us - who can hit the standard? few, if any. but do we even try?
I have served little in my church for the past three years... waiting, waiting always, for a sign, for an open door and a violent prodding from God to move me into something - have i missed the call? even now, i feel prompted to take up a certain responsibility... yet i am very sure that the prompting comes out of my own desire. but i am told that God sometimes works through our desires. Isn't it better to jump in with a willing heart, to try and to fail rather than not trying at all. yet failing in this respect would be a hindrance to others.
O Lord, for an open door to show me where You would have me go. For the prompting of the people around me into the role that You would have me take. For the clarion call of Your Spirit leading me into victory. In the name of Jesus.
part of the reason for my self-doubt is my work. for i have not been a faithful steward of the work that has been given to me... indeed, i despise it thoroughly, and wait impatiently for the day when i will be freed from it. (Coriakin?)(49 days to go). It was not always so - i used to focus my efforts on doing my work well, believing that I was working as for the Lord, and that by doing my work diligently, I was showing love to those who depended on my work. I no longer believe that my work actually matters, having neglected it to such an extent for such a long time. The army is such an inefficient place filled with people concerned only about their own advancement - the system fails whether i work or not. the recent range is a classic example. if i frustrate my superiors through my lack of motivation, i simply become one of the many, many of whom are worse than me. if i expend myself in honest work, then i become invisible through anonymity, efforts gone unrecognised, because no attention is drawn to where there is no problem. and i no longer find the strength to work for my God in that godless place.
i find myself becoming jealous of others who have gone on to make something of their life. my compatriot who, by giving tuition unremittingly earns over $1k monthly, and spends all his time in camp diligently avoiding work and resting up for his tuition sessions at night. and playing dota with other people who have less work to do. how can diligently doing work for which i am underpaid and unrecognised compare to such luxury? i do not have his drive, but surely anything is better than this.
i keep telling myself how blessed i am. that it is a great blessing to even be able to be at home on a monday morning at 4am, when many other NSFs would be in camp, or getting ready to go in. but now i hate my work. i manage to hate it even when i hardly do any of it anymore. i keep telling my understudy to do as i say, and not as i do. it has taken him less than a month to complain that i have left all the work to him, and that i do almost none myself. (i excuse myself by saying that he has to do things himself if he is to ever learn - do things himself while i'm still around to answer his questions, which is true enough)
let me attempt to list my grievances against my employers here. i was told that i needed to go for range before i ORD. something like that has not been organised for 5 years, so i hear, so i have no idea how all the NSFs preceding me managed it. my upperstudy was told he needed to go for an ORD shoot, but he never did, and ORDed happily. by the way, i really dislike range. the noise bothers me, plus i dislike anything which has any element of danger in it.
so i steeled myself to go for the range organised last monday. where half the people did not turn up. and no action was taken against those who did not turn up. and those who were there ended up having to do extra work. i was initially told that i would function as a clearing point ic, for which i was extremely glad, for then i would be away from the sound of gunfire. on the day itself, the organising person (who shall not be named for fear i will get into trouble) contradicted himself, issued a whole new set of instructions, and i became chamber ic, subjected to the sound of gunfire the entire day. and TO TOP IT ALL OFF, we are now told that that particular shoot meant absolutely nothing, that the organising person organised it for no reason whatsoever, and that we have to go for another shoot this week which will last late into the night. and of course i won't get any off for that, 'cos my branch doesn't believe in giving off.
the context being that i really hate range. and that it was hard enough going for the first one. and now i'm told it was an exercise in futility.
there was a technical handling test prior to that first range. two-thirds the listed personnel didn't turn up. no action was taken against them... they ended up taking the test at the range itself. so those who obeyed instructions simply wasted their time going for the initial test, since those who didn't turn up did the test anyway, at a later time causing delay to those who were faithful.
there was a trip scheduled last friday, to take a NE Heritage tour in town area, which i was rather looking forward to. i enjoy learning more about Singapore history in a low pressure environment... have had lengthy discussions with some of my cousins about the teaching of Singapore history and how it should be improved. but three days before we were supposed to go on the trip, we were hit with a stunner. all those due to go for range had to go for IMT (some computerised range thingy) on the friday, too bad for the NE tour, yada yada yada. being already extremely pissed off over the whole topic of range, i did not take the news very well. i had been looking forward to the trip for two weeks, and they unlisted me from it with three days notice.
i went on the NE trip anyway, having joined it by nefarious means. and with my group, we finished the tour two-and-a-half hours early. so instead of letting us go early, which was only sensible, the organising person had us wait. in a dead-end corner of Fort Canning Park, with no seating and an ant infestation (which provided some pleasant distraction) - waiting, hot and sweaty from the full day of walking, waiting under the unforgiving sun, waiting simply because we were more efficient and more focused and completed the thing faster. waiting until storm clouds rolled in and we were nearly stranded by rain on top of Fort Canning Hill. i lost discipline, and left before the rain got too heavy, along with the rest of my branch.
all of this complaint from just one week. on top of the whole unfairness with the guard duty thing (no off given, for my branch only!!), and my annoyance (overworked again!!) at the recent exercise (pathetic amounts of off!!), i believe i have sufficiently explained why i hate my work. compared to the other branches, where NSFs get off by simply asking for some. where people who ORD later than me have already started clearing leave / off....
i have observed the treatment of the discipline cases at my camp. how those who go awol persistently enough end up getting permanent off / leave, with the range-organising-person covering for them even though they never, i-repeat-never, turn up in camp. those who have violent tendencies are given less work to do. those who have shown a propensity to write to MPs are excused from various duties. those who are shameless enough take MCs limitlessly. and nothing is done to stop them. "Virtue is its own reward" my foot. those who have the audacity to take advantage of the system win in every way. i despair of living right.
there are things i need to do that have not been done. one thing in particular i have put off for a full year now, and the deadline is soon approaching.
i have stated here more clearly than at any other time my frustrations. it has taken two hours. i apologise to my close confidante for never speaking more plainly... its harder to organise all of these thoughts over the phone.
it is nearly 5am. due up in two hours, have mild stomach-ache and ominous rumblings in my digestive system. sigh. unhappy. bah.
perhaps it was the disappointment of watching Liverpool lose 1-0 to Man U about an hour ago to a last-minute goal. perhaps its the stuffed nose, or the fact that this house manages to keep itself at a toasty 28 degrees celsius even at 3am (this is a guesstimate). or perhaps its because my lower back (sacroiliac?) appears to have some issues with my mattress, and refuses to consort with it. which is aggravating the mild headache which comes with mild dehydration.
perhaps i'm an insomniac hypochondriac. and it rhymes with sacroiliac. woo.
some days it feels like life is just trampling all over me. somehow things seem a whole lot less certain at 3am in the morning. i'm not sure of very much at this particular moment... whether i really want to end up teaching (dead-end career, low pay), whether i could stand to do anything else besides teach, whether i might be able to use my talents at a higher level.
that thing that Jesus said is haunting me tonight... the bit about "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" that bit. Jesus said a whole lotta tough things. I am unsure of my salvation tonight. If even those who prophesied, who cast out demons, and who performed many miracles are not admitted into the kingdom of heaven, how much less I, who do none of the above. to give it some context - "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." We have all taken our salvation for granted - beware.
I have reflected much on this before - what does it mean to call Jesus Lord? Merriam-Webster puts it as such: a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due (emphasis added by me). Historically, the term Lord was used of one to whom complete allegiance was sworn, even unto death. and that is the kind of allegiance that is demanded of us - who can hit the standard? few, if any. but do we even try?
I have served little in my church for the past three years... waiting, waiting always, for a sign, for an open door and a violent prodding from God to move me into something - have i missed the call? even now, i feel prompted to take up a certain responsibility... yet i am very sure that the prompting comes out of my own desire. but i am told that God sometimes works through our desires. Isn't it better to jump in with a willing heart, to try and to fail rather than not trying at all. yet failing in this respect would be a hindrance to others.
O Lord, for an open door to show me where You would have me go. For the prompting of the people around me into the role that You would have me take. For the clarion call of Your Spirit leading me into victory. In the name of Jesus.
part of the reason for my self-doubt is my work. for i have not been a faithful steward of the work that has been given to me... indeed, i despise it thoroughly, and wait impatiently for the day when i will be freed from it. (Coriakin?)(49 days to go). It was not always so - i used to focus my efforts on doing my work well, believing that I was working as for the Lord, and that by doing my work diligently, I was showing love to those who depended on my work. I no longer believe that my work actually matters, having neglected it to such an extent for such a long time. The army is such an inefficient place filled with people concerned only about their own advancement - the system fails whether i work or not. the recent range is a classic example. if i frustrate my superiors through my lack of motivation, i simply become one of the many, many of whom are worse than me. if i expend myself in honest work, then i become invisible through anonymity, efforts gone unrecognised, because no attention is drawn to where there is no problem. and i no longer find the strength to work for my God in that godless place.
i find myself becoming jealous of others who have gone on to make something of their life. my compatriot who, by giving tuition unremittingly earns over $1k monthly, and spends all his time in camp diligently avoiding work and resting up for his tuition sessions at night. and playing dota with other people who have less work to do. how can diligently doing work for which i am underpaid and unrecognised compare to such luxury? i do not have his drive, but surely anything is better than this.
i keep telling myself how blessed i am. that it is a great blessing to even be able to be at home on a monday morning at 4am, when many other NSFs would be in camp, or getting ready to go in. but now i hate my work. i manage to hate it even when i hardly do any of it anymore. i keep telling my understudy to do as i say, and not as i do. it has taken him less than a month to complain that i have left all the work to him, and that i do almost none myself. (i excuse myself by saying that he has to do things himself if he is to ever learn - do things himself while i'm still around to answer his questions, which is true enough)
let me attempt to list my grievances against my employers here. i was told that i needed to go for range before i ORD. something like that has not been organised for 5 years, so i hear, so i have no idea how all the NSFs preceding me managed it. my upperstudy was told he needed to go for an ORD shoot, but he never did, and ORDed happily. by the way, i really dislike range. the noise bothers me, plus i dislike anything which has any element of danger in it.
so i steeled myself to go for the range organised last monday. where half the people did not turn up. and no action was taken against those who did not turn up. and those who were there ended up having to do extra work. i was initially told that i would function as a clearing point ic, for which i was extremely glad, for then i would be away from the sound of gunfire. on the day itself, the organising person (who shall not be named for fear i will get into trouble) contradicted himself, issued a whole new set of instructions, and i became chamber ic, subjected to the sound of gunfire the entire day. and TO TOP IT ALL OFF, we are now told that that particular shoot meant absolutely nothing, that the organising person organised it for no reason whatsoever, and that we have to go for another shoot this week which will last late into the night. and of course i won't get any off for that, 'cos my branch doesn't believe in giving off.
the context being that i really hate range. and that it was hard enough going for the first one. and now i'm told it was an exercise in futility.
there was a technical handling test prior to that first range. two-thirds the listed personnel didn't turn up. no action was taken against them... they ended up taking the test at the range itself. so those who obeyed instructions simply wasted their time going for the initial test, since those who didn't turn up did the test anyway, at a later time causing delay to those who were faithful.
there was a trip scheduled last friday, to take a NE Heritage tour in town area, which i was rather looking forward to. i enjoy learning more about Singapore history in a low pressure environment... have had lengthy discussions with some of my cousins about the teaching of Singapore history and how it should be improved. but three days before we were supposed to go on the trip, we were hit with a stunner. all those due to go for range had to go for IMT (some computerised range thingy) on the friday, too bad for the NE tour, yada yada yada. being already extremely pissed off over the whole topic of range, i did not take the news very well. i had been looking forward to the trip for two weeks, and they unlisted me from it with three days notice.
i went on the NE trip anyway, having joined it by nefarious means. and with my group, we finished the tour two-and-a-half hours early. so instead of letting us go early, which was only sensible, the organising person had us wait. in a dead-end corner of Fort Canning Park, with no seating and an ant infestation (which provided some pleasant distraction) - waiting, hot and sweaty from the full day of walking, waiting under the unforgiving sun, waiting simply because we were more efficient and more focused and completed the thing faster. waiting until storm clouds rolled in and we were nearly stranded by rain on top of Fort Canning Hill. i lost discipline, and left before the rain got too heavy, along with the rest of my branch.
all of this complaint from just one week. on top of the whole unfairness with the guard duty thing (no off given, for my branch only!!), and my annoyance (overworked again!!) at the recent exercise (pathetic amounts of off!!), i believe i have sufficiently explained why i hate my work. compared to the other branches, where NSFs get off by simply asking for some. where people who ORD later than me have already started clearing leave / off....
i have observed the treatment of the discipline cases at my camp. how those who go awol persistently enough end up getting permanent off / leave, with the range-organising-person covering for them even though they never, i-repeat-never, turn up in camp. those who have violent tendencies are given less work to do. those who have shown a propensity to write to MPs are excused from various duties. those who are shameless enough take MCs limitlessly. and nothing is done to stop them. "Virtue is its own reward" my foot. those who have the audacity to take advantage of the system win in every way. i despair of living right.
there are things i need to do that have not been done. one thing in particular i have put off for a full year now, and the deadline is soon approaching.
i have stated here more clearly than at any other time my frustrations. it has taken two hours. i apologise to my close confidante for never speaking more plainly... its harder to organise all of these thoughts over the phone.
it is nearly 5am. due up in two hours, have mild stomach-ache and ominous rumblings in my digestive system. sigh. unhappy. bah.
Jan 11, 2006
acdefg....hijklmop
typing has become a very interesting pastime ever since the 'n', 'b', '/', and spacebar died. i.e. to say, if i type normally, it looks like:
myameisejamig.
(my name is benjamin ng).
being the innovative person that i am, i have found a way around this disability - this nifty little program called the on-screen keyboard, hidden in the Accessories under the Start Menu. and typing is really taking quite long... don't think i'll finish saying what i want to say tonight...
but on the bright side, i've found a really good way to keep your passwords safe from those keystroke recording programmes. w00t.
myameisejamig.
(my name is benjamin ng).
being the innovative person that i am, i have found a way around this disability - this nifty little program called the on-screen keyboard, hidden in the Accessories under the Start Menu. and typing is really taking quite long... don't think i'll finish saying what i want to say tonight...
but on the bright side, i've found a really good way to keep your passwords safe from those keystroke recording programmes. w00t.
Jan 8, 2006
Your element is Water. You have a calm aura around
you and are in tune with the world around. You
observe it but rarely interfere. Because of
your shy and timid nature you will not have so
many friends in your life. But then again,
large crowds aren't your thing anyway. You are
comfortable on your own and are reserved to
others who you don't know or know very little
of. You know everyone out there does not want
to be your friend, and knowing that is good.
However, people who don't know you that well
thinks that you are cold and distant since you
don't want to talk to them. Although you mean
no harm, you can't always be perfectly
understood in the world. No one can. Life in
general are you quite serene with even if there
are some things you don't like. Your love-life
is not so full of boys/girls, but if you
flirted more with the ones you were interested
in I'm sure something would happen. The hobbies
you choose are calmer ones, you are no party
person that likes to drink and make-out with
three or more guys/girls in one night. Reading
a book or swimming is more your thing.
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after that last post, i felt rather uncomfortable... i don't think self-criticism is a healthy trait... leads to poor self-esteem and self-fulfilling prophecies. but it seemed to me that sometimes its necessary to highlight the nastier sides of you... to bring it into the light for some good ol' polishing up.
i realise after reading some blogs that perhaps, instead of listing all my bad points, i should be listing prayer pointers. =). credit to sarah.
the prayer pointer for myself has never changed, although i may have forgotten it sometimes; covered under the more immediate and seemingly more pressing prayers of 'strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow'... but somewhere deep inside of me, it has not changed - to get deeper into His Word, deeper into His love, deeper in knowledge and intimacy with Him. although i hardly know what intimacy means.
Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace.
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love.
i realise after reading some blogs that perhaps, instead of listing all my bad points, i should be listing prayer pointers. =). credit to sarah.
the prayer pointer for myself has never changed, although i may have forgotten it sometimes; covered under the more immediate and seemingly more pressing prayers of 'strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow'... but somewhere deep inside of me, it has not changed - to get deeper into His Word, deeper into His love, deeper in knowledge and intimacy with Him. although i hardly know what intimacy means.
Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace.
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love.
Jan 1, 2006
i think of things, but i hardly write them down. so most thoughts get lost within about five minutes, as soon as i get distracted by something else.
i've taken to sms-ing myself whenever something crops up that seems like i should try and remember it. did anyone see me in church today sms-ing during the sermon? well, technically i wasn't sms-ing someone else, if only for the fact that i, me, myself doesn't quite qualify as someone else.
but anyway.
i am a judgemental person. perhaps those who know me have figured it out long ago, but i've only been discovering it these past few months. someone does something which doesn't agree with my own values system, and i blow up, inside of me where no one hears, condemning the person a thousand deaths. its been happening alot more often since i started working in the army at my current post... what with office politics and all... although i wouldn't call it politics... more like "testing the system".
i've been trying. really hard. what i used to try to do was justify their behaviour, to attempt to explain away their actions as being short-sighted, or ignorant, or the result of a bad mood. but i guess the one thing that i'm starting to learn is this: people have faults.
ground-breaking revelation, huh? i bet most of you knew this from age five, but i'm just slow. but its one thing to diagnose people with faults, and quite another to learn to accept people just as they are, faults and all. to love everyone just the same, even though they do certain things that make your blood boil. i certainly am getting alot of practice. and failing quite abit. my army friends will occasionally hear the venom in my voice as i describe some of the targets of my bitterness. "Love your enemies."... man, that's a tough one.
i guess that when i used to pretend that people didn't have faults, it made me unable to accept the flaws which they exhibited from time to time.... now that i accept the fact, that yes, we are flawed creatures, myself included many times over, then it becomes easier to accept people as they are. i wish i had learned this earlier, but everything happens for a reason, i guess.
it's only now that i begin to understand that people are multi-faceted, or many-sided, if you will. and that some aspects of their life are nice, and some are not. and that in accepting them, you accept the whole.
i've also learnt that different people get angry at different things. that a certain action will be brushed off easily by someone, but be earth-shattering to another. i've found that i'm a very legalistic person, who gets terribly offended by people who bend rules without apparent recrimination. especially true when i find those rules a pain. but i get so terribly caught up in following rules just for the sake of following rules.... that i often forget that people come first. oh well.
its so easy to forget our reason for living. when God's Spirit moves, it seems so crystal clear that my every last waking moment should be spent striving to be God's light in this dark world, thanks to the light which has been given to us. but when you're sleepy, or just weary after a long december, sometimes you just want to switch off and go do some brainless stuff, and be selfish for awhile. and my tolerance for selflessness is rather low, compared to this certain girl i know. =). But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. More tough words to live up to. working out faith.
the other thing i sms-ed myself about was to properly study the beatitudes, and how each of them can apply to me and my life. i'll put that one right next to my other resolution to study the 11 articles of faith of the Salvation Army and what they mean to me, which has been on my to-do list for about half a year now. oh yeah, and eventually stick that notice-board thing to my wall. it currently resides on top of my wardrobe.
going to watch Narnia tonight, apparently. perhaps i shall go examine my wardrobe for hidden universes inside. =)
i've taken to sms-ing myself whenever something crops up that seems like i should try and remember it. did anyone see me in church today sms-ing during the sermon? well, technically i wasn't sms-ing someone else, if only for the fact that i, me, myself doesn't quite qualify as someone else.
but anyway.
i am a judgemental person. perhaps those who know me have figured it out long ago, but i've only been discovering it these past few months. someone does something which doesn't agree with my own values system, and i blow up, inside of me where no one hears, condemning the person a thousand deaths. its been happening alot more often since i started working in the army at my current post... what with office politics and all... although i wouldn't call it politics... more like "testing the system".
i've been trying. really hard. what i used to try to do was justify their behaviour, to attempt to explain away their actions as being short-sighted, or ignorant, or the result of a bad mood. but i guess the one thing that i'm starting to learn is this: people have faults.
ground-breaking revelation, huh? i bet most of you knew this from age five, but i'm just slow. but its one thing to diagnose people with faults, and quite another to learn to accept people just as they are, faults and all. to love everyone just the same, even though they do certain things that make your blood boil. i certainly am getting alot of practice. and failing quite abit. my army friends will occasionally hear the venom in my voice as i describe some of the targets of my bitterness. "Love your enemies."... man, that's a tough one.
i guess that when i used to pretend that people didn't have faults, it made me unable to accept the flaws which they exhibited from time to time.... now that i accept the fact, that yes, we are flawed creatures, myself included many times over, then it becomes easier to accept people as they are. i wish i had learned this earlier, but everything happens for a reason, i guess.
it's only now that i begin to understand that people are multi-faceted, or many-sided, if you will. and that some aspects of their life are nice, and some are not. and that in accepting them, you accept the whole.
i've also learnt that different people get angry at different things. that a certain action will be brushed off easily by someone, but be earth-shattering to another. i've found that i'm a very legalistic person, who gets terribly offended by people who bend rules without apparent recrimination. especially true when i find those rules a pain. but i get so terribly caught up in following rules just for the sake of following rules.... that i often forget that people come first. oh well.
its so easy to forget our reason for living. when God's Spirit moves, it seems so crystal clear that my every last waking moment should be spent striving to be God's light in this dark world, thanks to the light which has been given to us. but when you're sleepy, or just weary after a long december, sometimes you just want to switch off and go do some brainless stuff, and be selfish for awhile. and my tolerance for selflessness is rather low, compared to this certain girl i know. =). But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. More tough words to live up to. working out faith.
the other thing i sms-ed myself about was to properly study the beatitudes, and how each of them can apply to me and my life. i'll put that one right next to my other resolution to study the 11 articles of faith of the Salvation Army and what they mean to me, which has been on my to-do list for about half a year now. oh yeah, and eventually stick that notice-board thing to my wall. it currently resides on top of my wardrobe.
going to watch Narnia tonight, apparently. perhaps i shall go examine my wardrobe for hidden universes inside. =)
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