3am finds me sitting here in front of the computer, not feeling sleepy in the least. which is very weird, because i do love my sleep. i do.
perhaps it was the disappointment of watching Liverpool lose 1-0 to Man U about an hour ago to a last-minute goal. perhaps its the stuffed nose, or the fact that this house manages to keep itself at a toasty 28 degrees celsius even at 3am (this is a guesstimate). or perhaps its because my lower back (sacroiliac?) appears to have some issues with my mattress, and refuses to consort with it. which is aggravating the mild headache which comes with mild dehydration.
perhaps i'm an insomniac hypochondriac. and it rhymes with sacroiliac. woo.
some days it feels like life is just trampling all over me. somehow things seem a whole lot less certain at 3am in the morning. i'm not sure of very much at this particular moment... whether i really want to end up teaching (dead-end career, low pay), whether i could stand to do anything else besides teach, whether i might be able to use my talents at a higher level.
that thing that Jesus said is haunting me tonight... the bit about "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" that bit. Jesus said a whole lotta tough things. I am unsure of my salvation tonight. If even those who prophesied, who cast out demons, and who performed many miracles are not admitted into the kingdom of heaven, how much less I, who do none of the above. to give it some context - "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." We have all taken our salvation for granted - beware.
I have reflected much on this before - what does it mean to call Jesus Lord? Merriam-Webster puts it as such: a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due (emphasis added by me). Historically, the term Lord was used of one to whom complete allegiance was sworn, even unto death. and that is the kind of allegiance that is demanded of us - who can hit the standard? few, if any. but do we even try?
I have served little in my church for the past three years... waiting, waiting always, for a sign, for an open door and a violent prodding from God to move me into something - have i missed the call? even now, i feel prompted to take up a certain responsibility... yet i am very sure that the prompting comes out of my own desire. but i am told that God sometimes works through our desires. Isn't it better to jump in with a willing heart, to try and to fail rather than not trying at all. yet failing in this respect would be a hindrance to others.
O Lord, for an open door to show me where You would have me go. For the prompting of the people around me into the role that You would have me take. For the clarion call of Your Spirit leading me into victory. In the name of Jesus.
part of the reason for my self-doubt is my work. for i have not been a faithful steward of the work that has been given to me... indeed, i despise it thoroughly, and wait impatiently for the day when i will be freed from it. (Coriakin?)(49 days to go). It was not always so - i used to focus my efforts on doing my work well, believing that I was working as for the Lord, and that by doing my work diligently, I was showing love to those who depended on my work. I no longer believe that my work actually matters, having neglected it to such an extent for such a long time. The army is such an inefficient place filled with people concerned only about their own advancement - the system fails whether i work or not. the recent range is a classic example. if i frustrate my superiors through my lack of motivation, i simply become one of the many, many of whom are worse than me. if i expend myself in honest work, then i become invisible through anonymity, efforts gone unrecognised, because no attention is drawn to where there is no problem. and i no longer find the strength to work for my God in that godless place.
i find myself becoming jealous of others who have gone on to make something of their life. my compatriot who, by giving tuition unremittingly earns over $1k monthly, and spends all his time in camp diligently avoiding work and resting up for his tuition sessions at night. and playing dota with other people who have less work to do. how can diligently doing work for which i am underpaid and unrecognised compare to such luxury? i do not have his drive, but surely anything is better than this.
i keep telling myself how blessed i am. that it is a great blessing to even be able to be at home on a monday morning at 4am, when many other NSFs would be in camp, or getting ready to go in. but now i hate my work. i manage to hate it even when i hardly do any of it anymore. i keep telling my understudy to do as i say, and not as i do. it has taken him less than a month to complain that i have left all the work to him, and that i do almost none myself. (i excuse myself by saying that he has to do things himself if he is to ever learn - do things himself while i'm still around to answer his questions, which is true enough)
let me attempt to list my grievances against my employers here. i was told that i needed to go for range before i ORD. something like that has not been organised for 5 years, so i hear, so i have no idea how all the NSFs preceding me managed it. my upperstudy was told he needed to go for an ORD shoot, but he never did, and ORDed happily. by the way, i really dislike range. the noise bothers me, plus i dislike anything which has any element of danger in it.
so i steeled myself to go for the range organised last monday. where half the people did not turn up. and no action was taken against those who did not turn up. and those who were there ended up having to do extra work. i was initially told that i would function as a clearing point ic, for which i was extremely glad, for then i would be away from the sound of gunfire. on the day itself, the organising person (who shall not be named for fear i will get into trouble) contradicted himself, issued a whole new set of instructions, and i became chamber ic, subjected to the sound of gunfire the entire day. and TO TOP IT ALL OFF, we are now told that that particular shoot meant absolutely nothing, that the organising person organised it for no reason whatsoever, and that we have to go for another shoot this week which will last late into the night. and of course i won't get any off for that, 'cos my branch doesn't believe in giving off.
the context being that i really hate range. and that it was hard enough going for the first one. and now i'm told it was an exercise in futility.
there was a technical handling test prior to that first range. two-thirds the listed personnel didn't turn up. no action was taken against them... they ended up taking the test at the range itself. so those who obeyed instructions simply wasted their time going for the initial test, since those who didn't turn up did the test anyway, at a later time causing delay to those who were faithful.
there was a trip scheduled last friday, to take a NE Heritage tour in town area, which i was rather looking forward to. i enjoy learning more about Singapore history in a low pressure environment... have had lengthy discussions with some of my cousins about the teaching of Singapore history and how it should be improved. but three days before we were supposed to go on the trip, we were hit with a stunner. all those due to go for range had to go for IMT (some computerised range thingy) on the friday, too bad for the NE tour, yada yada yada. being already extremely pissed off over the whole topic of range, i did not take the news very well. i had been looking forward to the trip for two weeks, and they unlisted me from it with three days notice.
i went on the NE trip anyway, having joined it by nefarious means. and with my group, we finished the tour two-and-a-half hours early. so instead of letting us go early, which was only sensible, the organising person had us wait. in a dead-end corner of Fort Canning Park, with no seating and an ant infestation (which provided some pleasant distraction) - waiting, hot and sweaty from the full day of walking, waiting under the unforgiving sun, waiting simply because we were more efficient and more focused and completed the thing faster. waiting until storm clouds rolled in and we were nearly stranded by rain on top of Fort Canning Hill. i lost discipline, and left before the rain got too heavy, along with the rest of my branch.
all of this complaint from just one week. on top of the whole unfairness with the guard duty thing (no off given, for my branch only!!), and my annoyance (overworked again!!) at the recent exercise (pathetic amounts of off!!), i believe i have sufficiently explained why i hate my work. compared to the other branches, where NSFs get off by simply asking for some. where people who ORD later than me have already started clearing leave / off....
i have observed the treatment of the discipline cases at my camp. how those who go awol persistently enough end up getting permanent off / leave, with the range-organising-person covering for them even though they never, i-repeat-never, turn up in camp. those who have violent tendencies are given less work to do. those who have shown a propensity to write to MPs are excused from various duties. those who are shameless enough take MCs limitlessly. and nothing is done to stop them. "Virtue is its own reward" my foot. those who have the audacity to take advantage of the system win in every way. i despair of living right.
there are things i need to do that have not been done. one thing in particular i have put off for a full year now, and the deadline is soon approaching.
i have stated here more clearly than at any other time my frustrations. it has taken two hours. i apologise to my close confidante for never speaking more plainly... its harder to organise all of these thoughts over the phone.
it is nearly 5am. due up in two hours, have mild stomach-ache and ominous rumblings in my digestive system. sigh. unhappy. bah.
