I was lying in bed, on my back, listening to a cd, and holding the lyrics that came with the cd above me, reading it as i listened to the words.
and i wept, and the tears flowed down the side of my face, and dripped off my ears, and onto my pillow.
Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing
To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer
I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am
Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be
At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all... I need You
Written by Nichole Nordeman and Mark Hammond
Copyright 2002 Ariose Music / Mark Hammond Music / ASCAP /
Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing
and also
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too grerat
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
So, thank you, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shattered and scattered like the wind
Thank You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
We raise the standard, and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to...
Written by Nichole Nordeman
Copyright 2002 Ariose Music /ASCAP / Admin. by EMI Christian
Music Publishing
Amongst many others. But I've had enough typing for now.
Jul 23, 2005
new every morning...
some time ago, i realised something more profound than it seems at first glance.
i am a member of my family.
seems quite duh right. but its implications are large.
part of the family's responsibilities, so to say, include keeping the house and home in order. this is but one of the many roles of the family, and i can't elucidate right now being sore of head. therefore, ergo, in view of this, my role as a member of this family includes the maintenance of the house, in whatever free time i find.
fast-forward to this morning. i have set aside this morning to household chores, taking a break to type this. i realise that my dad has trained me in doing household chores - therefore i can start taking initiative and doing things myself now.
i have also re-discovered the importance of listening to music that is edifying in getting each day right. and the usefulness of disney music in distracting my brain while engaged in the tedium of chores. =)
think the wash is done, probably need to hang up clothes now.
i am a member of my family.
seems quite duh right. but its implications are large.
part of the family's responsibilities, so to say, include keeping the house and home in order. this is but one of the many roles of the family, and i can't elucidate right now being sore of head. therefore, ergo, in view of this, my role as a member of this family includes the maintenance of the house, in whatever free time i find.
fast-forward to this morning. i have set aside this morning to household chores, taking a break to type this. i realise that my dad has trained me in doing household chores - therefore i can start taking initiative and doing things myself now.
i have also re-discovered the importance of listening to music that is edifying in getting each day right. and the usefulness of disney music in distracting my brain while engaged in the tedium of chores. =)
think the wash is done, probably need to hang up clothes now.
cont'd
wasn't in all that great a mood going to bed. work the next day, with an assignment hanging over my neck which i saw as simply being impossible - beyond my capabilities to do. i think many people are like that - if the task seems beyond them, they'll never get started. not that i hadn't tried - i tried and found myself stumped. i prayed that night for God to resolve the problem - not to find some way to get it done to the specifications demanded of me, but rather that at the end of everything, that every person associated with the problem would find it resolved to their satisfaction.
and so i went to work the next day, half dreading the coming reckoning, and half anticipating the resolution of the problem. scared, a little. and i met my boss, and talked with him, and discused things. took all my courage to go and approach him, 'cos i could have just chosen to ignore the problem, and he, being busy, would not have bothered me, and the problem would have snowballed and gathered momentum and eventually killed me. so i found the courage. actually no. i was given courage by the fact that i had prayed over the problem, so i approached my boss so as to resolve the problem quickly. suffice to say, he acknowledged that the initial task was quite impossible, not in a thousand years, and, displaying a wisdom worthy of Solomon, re-defined the parameters so as to simplify the job and still accomplish the same objectives.
with the task now seemingly achievable, i started on it with a will, and as of now, it has been accomplished. but it has been a very trying week. i thank God for solving the problem, and i totally forgot to mention it during testimony time at cell last night. oh well.
and so i went to work the next day, half dreading the coming reckoning, and half anticipating the resolution of the problem. scared, a little. and i met my boss, and talked with him, and discused things. took all my courage to go and approach him, 'cos i could have just chosen to ignore the problem, and he, being busy, would not have bothered me, and the problem would have snowballed and gathered momentum and eventually killed me. so i found the courage. actually no. i was given courage by the fact that i had prayed over the problem, so i approached my boss so as to resolve the problem quickly. suffice to say, he acknowledged that the initial task was quite impossible, not in a thousand years, and, displaying a wisdom worthy of Solomon, re-defined the parameters so as to simplify the job and still accomplish the same objectives.
with the task now seemingly achievable, i started on it with a will, and as of now, it has been accomplished. but it has been a very trying week. i thank God for solving the problem, and i totally forgot to mention it during testimony time at cell last night. oh well.
Jul 20, 2005
Jul 18, 2005
And then came evening, and then morning. A new day.
a thousand things to say, and no time to say it in. i'm typing so fast, i'm making typos all over the place, and having to go back and correct them.
went through quite the range of moods today, but i think i'll start with yesterday...
yesterday. sunday morning. woke up bright and early in camp, having had a restless sleep, and feeling quite a way away from being refreshed. did my stuff, handed over to MAKK, and left at about 8.30. the DOO was very nice. was just singing a song to myself as i strolled out of camp - singing aloud, singing like no-one was listening, which was probably true, being sunday morning in a military camp. was singing my choral arrangement for the Lord's Prayer, and one line struck me rather violently on the noggin.
"Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
To reference another verse, something to the effect of "Spare the rod and spoil the child." which i believe is in Proverbs somewhere, the rod is a tool of discipline. And yet, to this writer David, both the Lord's discipline and guidance were a comfort to him. (The staff is something sheep herds, erm, shepherds, use to guide the sheep along, i think.)
That was a thought. David welcomed the Lord's discipline in his life. It was a comfort to him, for though the disciplining may have been harsh for a moment, it had eternal benefits. And so it should be with us!! We should welcome the discipline of the Lord, for it is by that discipline that we grow. To quote out of context from the bible,"This is a hard teaching."
I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe
I pray we’ll find your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
**this line in spanish, don't get it**
Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
We ask that life be kind
And watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Need to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
- apologies to the copyright holders.
to be cont'd
went through quite the range of moods today, but i think i'll start with yesterday...
yesterday. sunday morning. woke up bright and early in camp, having had a restless sleep, and feeling quite a way away from being refreshed. did my stuff, handed over to MAKK, and left at about 8.30. the DOO was very nice. was just singing a song to myself as i strolled out of camp - singing aloud, singing like no-one was listening, which was probably true, being sunday morning in a military camp. was singing my choral arrangement for the Lord's Prayer, and one line struck me rather violently on the noggin.
"Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
To reference another verse, something to the effect of "Spare the rod and spoil the child." which i believe is in Proverbs somewhere, the rod is a tool of discipline. And yet, to this writer David, both the Lord's discipline and guidance were a comfort to him. (The staff is something sheep herds, erm, shepherds, use to guide the sheep along, i think.)
That was a thought. David welcomed the Lord's discipline in his life. It was a comfort to him, for though the disciplining may have been harsh for a moment, it had eternal benefits. And so it should be with us!! We should welcome the discipline of the Lord, for it is by that discipline that we grow. To quote out of context from the bible,"This is a hard teaching."
I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe
I pray we’ll find your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
**this line in spanish, don't get it**
Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
We ask that life be kind
And watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Need to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
- apologies to the copyright holders.
to be cont'd
Jul 16, 2005
Today's Reading - Mark 7:24 to 8:21
7:37 People were overwhelmed with amazement. "He has done everything well," they said...
For I know, whate'er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well
-a hymn
It seems an impossible task, to do all things well. Especially so in this crazy, madcap, fast-paced world which we live in. We run like insane hamsters, just to stay in one spot. Our schedules are crammed tighter than sardines in a can. The winds of circumstance blow, and the storm rages on. How can one possibly hope to do all things well?
Many people ask themselves that question in some form or other, whether with regard to specific failings or just the general stresses of life. The question highlights the fallacy; there is no need for us to do all things well - Jesus does all things well. There is no doubt that, with the skills and gifts and talents that have been granted us by the giver of all good gifts, we have the capability to do some or many things well. But the ability to do all things well is beyond reach of any human, even Oprah.
There will be times when your best is not enough. When you lack the skill or the strength, or events simply seem to conspire against you. On these occasions, I urge you to bring these things before God, and cry out for help in humility, and commit these things into His Almighty hands.
I am currently facing a situation at work, where I lack the talent needed to complete a task assigned to me. I have prayed, and I await an answer expectantly.
8:12 He sighed deeply, and said, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it."
I'm sure there's something significant here that i'm missing about those last seven words, besides the fact that they differ slightly from the other account of the same incident (i think). hmm..
8:16 They discussed this with one another and said, "It is because we have no bread."
This is downright hilarious. Go read it in context. Honestly!! "because we have no bread" what?! make no sense whatsoever. but these are the same guys who, 2 chapters earlier, "drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them."
Maybe they lacked intelligence, wisdom, perception, whatever. But with the faith that they had, and with the good example of Jesus before them, they cast out demons and healed the sick and preached repentance to the people.
You don't have to be smart.... "If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask for it" in James somewhere i think....
For I know, whate'er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well
-a hymn
It seems an impossible task, to do all things well. Especially so in this crazy, madcap, fast-paced world which we live in. We run like insane hamsters, just to stay in one spot. Our schedules are crammed tighter than sardines in a can. The winds of circumstance blow, and the storm rages on. How can one possibly hope to do all things well?
Many people ask themselves that question in some form or other, whether with regard to specific failings or just the general stresses of life. The question highlights the fallacy; there is no need for us to do all things well - Jesus does all things well. There is no doubt that, with the skills and gifts and talents that have been granted us by the giver of all good gifts, we have the capability to do some or many things well. But the ability to do all things well is beyond reach of any human, even Oprah.
There will be times when your best is not enough. When you lack the skill or the strength, or events simply seem to conspire against you. On these occasions, I urge you to bring these things before God, and cry out for help in humility, and commit these things into His Almighty hands.
I am currently facing a situation at work, where I lack the talent needed to complete a task assigned to me. I have prayed, and I await an answer expectantly.
8:12 He sighed deeply, and said, "Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it."
I'm sure there's something significant here that i'm missing about those last seven words, besides the fact that they differ slightly from the other account of the same incident (i think). hmm..
8:16 They discussed this with one another and said, "It is because we have no bread."
This is downright hilarious. Go read it in context. Honestly!! "because we have no bread" what?! make no sense whatsoever. but these are the same guys who, 2 chapters earlier, "drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them."
Maybe they lacked intelligence, wisdom, perception, whatever. But with the faith that they had, and with the good example of Jesus before them, they cast out demons and healed the sick and preached repentance to the people.
You don't have to be smart.... "If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask for it" in James somewhere i think....
first over everything
Now playing: WOW Worship Red: Disc 2
Dear Lord, forgive me.
Forgive me for always forgetting who is first over my life. Forgive me for forgetting what it is that should take the first priority each day, each minute, each second. Forgive me that i can neglect you for days on end, and let lame, flimsy excuses take me away from time with You.
Dear Lord, i choose to repent. To change my mind. That these lousy excuses of having no time, having no mood, having no privacy will no longer stop me from coming before You.
Help me, Father God, for I am weak. I have not disciplined my mind to be quiet before You, and so often when i try to pray, my mind is just a tangled mess of thoughts. Help me, O Lord. I believe that when i commit these times to You, Father, that you will bring forth good fruit from it. Grant me strength to hold fast in times of adversity, that i will not forsake your ways when stressed. Be First, O God.
Jesus
Be the centre
Be my source, be my light
Jesus
Jesus
Be the centre
Be my hope, be my song
Jesus
Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus
Jesus
Be my vision
Be my path, be my guide
Jesus
WOW Worship Red: Disc 1
Be the Centre - Kathryn Scott; Michael Frye
Apologies to the copyright holders.
Dear Lord, forgive me.
Forgive me for always forgetting who is first over my life. Forgive me for forgetting what it is that should take the first priority each day, each minute, each second. Forgive me that i can neglect you for days on end, and let lame, flimsy excuses take me away from time with You.
Dear Lord, i choose to repent. To change my mind. That these lousy excuses of having no time, having no mood, having no privacy will no longer stop me from coming before You.
Help me, Father God, for I am weak. I have not disciplined my mind to be quiet before You, and so often when i try to pray, my mind is just a tangled mess of thoughts. Help me, O Lord. I believe that when i commit these times to You, Father, that you will bring forth good fruit from it. Grant me strength to hold fast in times of adversity, that i will not forsake your ways when stressed. Be First, O God.
Jesus
Be the centre
Be my source, be my light
Jesus
Jesus
Be the centre
Be my hope, be my song
Jesus
Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus
Jesus
Be my vision
Be my path, be my guide
Jesus
WOW Worship Red: Disc 1
Be the Centre - Kathryn Scott; Michael Frye
Apologies to the copyright holders.
once again
here i am, once again. on duty on a beautiful saturday, my friends are at sentosa playing frisbee, having meals and sending friends off at airport in the evening, and i am here. to use mild language, bah humbug.
i've realised that i'm not much of a blogger. anyone who actually comes here sometimes (i don't have a hit counter) would know it from the sporadic entries. but upon just a little bit of reflection, i've gotten a clearer picture of my attitude towards this whole blogging thing.
hmm... reflection, clearer picture. so true, even literally, that you never know quite what you look like unless you look in a mirror..
so often, i think of something that i feel like entering here. but its not always convenient, i'm not always near a computer, and i rarely have privacy. it would help if the computer in my room had internet, but i've given up on making that a reality anytime soon. i need the privacy somehow, a strange contradiction considering that what i type is available worldwide. but i do, and it hinders the frequency of my entries.
besides, i always think i have better things to do than blog. it seems a better use of my time to be actually doing things than blogging about them.
this exceptionally long break was due to a long-awaited family trip that lasted about nine days. it's the first time we've gone overseas as a complete nuclear family since Feb 2002, which is a 3-and-a-half year hiatus. it's been my first trip of over a week since December 2001, which is significant to me because i think that breaks of under a week are not sufficient to fully recharge the batteries.
the previous day's duty clerk has just left, which means that i will be interrupted at intervals by the telephone. as such, excuse any incoherent writings which may follow beyond this point.
we went to perth, and it was good. we left on a tuesday afternoon, and therefore i spent tuesday morning packing, amongst other things. wasn't too sure how to pack for winter, eventually found a general concept to work with which made things easier - long sleeved tee, short sleeved tee, jacket, jeans as one set, packing about three sets.
*phone rings. i just called a sergeant a sir. owell*
got pretty annoyed with my dad that morning. kept bugging me to help out with the house cleaning. i had expected house-cleaning. i had planned for house-cleaning. but i had planned house-cleaning AFTER bag-packing, as my priorities stood. my mum packs for my dad, so that he is free to clean house, but i don't have that luxury. i mean, there isn't much point in cleaning up all the stuff in your room only to dig it all out half an hour later to pack right? yeesh. had to consciously watch my mouth and hold in all the sarcastic/whiny comebacks i could think of.
i was ready to go 10 minutes before schedule. shoes on and all. dad was in the toilet and didn't get out till five past. hmm. took cab down, checked in luggage, stole address tags from neighbouring airline counter (valuair doesn't provide those), wandered into duty free. bought nothing. never do. got free coke from McDonalds, took many photos in the cactus garden in the airport itself. went on plane.
plane was approximately 80% empty. 34 passengers for 168 seats. my dad counted, being the walking encyclopedia that he is. after take-off, he shooed us all off to find a set of three seats to lie down on for a little shut-eye. the food was really really really good. very simple, but very good. rice, hot-plate tofu, kailan. piping hot, very tasty. i took a few shots of it.
touched down in perth. was going delirious stepping through those airport doors. "We'reherewe'reherewe'reherewe'reherewe'rehere!!" something like that. happy. tasted the brisk wintry air of 11pm Perth, and revelled in it. took about 50 brochures off the shelves at the airport, hopped into cab. went to hotel.
the roads were entirely empty. we had entire stretches of road completely to ourselves, and went minutes at a time without seeing another vehicle. checked into hotel. we had booked just one room, seeing as we only planned to stay one night, from about midnight to 8am. figured we could survive for that long. turns out we almost didn't. the heater, as far as we could tell, wasn't working. and in the morning, we discovered that we had left a small window open. it was 3 degrees out. genius.
anyway i've typed for an hour and i'm tired. more later.
i've realised that i'm not much of a blogger. anyone who actually comes here sometimes (i don't have a hit counter) would know it from the sporadic entries. but upon just a little bit of reflection, i've gotten a clearer picture of my attitude towards this whole blogging thing.
hmm... reflection, clearer picture. so true, even literally, that you never know quite what you look like unless you look in a mirror..
so often, i think of something that i feel like entering here. but its not always convenient, i'm not always near a computer, and i rarely have privacy. it would help if the computer in my room had internet, but i've given up on making that a reality anytime soon. i need the privacy somehow, a strange contradiction considering that what i type is available worldwide. but i do, and it hinders the frequency of my entries.
besides, i always think i have better things to do than blog. it seems a better use of my time to be actually doing things than blogging about them.
this exceptionally long break was due to a long-awaited family trip that lasted about nine days. it's the first time we've gone overseas as a complete nuclear family since Feb 2002, which is a 3-and-a-half year hiatus. it's been my first trip of over a week since December 2001, which is significant to me because i think that breaks of under a week are not sufficient to fully recharge the batteries.
the previous day's duty clerk has just left, which means that i will be interrupted at intervals by the telephone. as such, excuse any incoherent writings which may follow beyond this point.
we went to perth, and it was good. we left on a tuesday afternoon, and therefore i spent tuesday morning packing, amongst other things. wasn't too sure how to pack for winter, eventually found a general concept to work with which made things easier - long sleeved tee, short sleeved tee, jacket, jeans as one set, packing about three sets.
*phone rings. i just called a sergeant a sir. owell*
got pretty annoyed with my dad that morning. kept bugging me to help out with the house cleaning. i had expected house-cleaning. i had planned for house-cleaning. but i had planned house-cleaning AFTER bag-packing, as my priorities stood. my mum packs for my dad, so that he is free to clean house, but i don't have that luxury. i mean, there isn't much point in cleaning up all the stuff in your room only to dig it all out half an hour later to pack right? yeesh. had to consciously watch my mouth and hold in all the sarcastic/whiny comebacks i could think of.
i was ready to go 10 minutes before schedule. shoes on and all. dad was in the toilet and didn't get out till five past. hmm. took cab down, checked in luggage, stole address tags from neighbouring airline counter (valuair doesn't provide those), wandered into duty free. bought nothing. never do. got free coke from McDonalds, took many photos in the cactus garden in the airport itself. went on plane.
plane was approximately 80% empty. 34 passengers for 168 seats. my dad counted, being the walking encyclopedia that he is. after take-off, he shooed us all off to find a set of three seats to lie down on for a little shut-eye. the food was really really really good. very simple, but very good. rice, hot-plate tofu, kailan. piping hot, very tasty. i took a few shots of it.
touched down in perth. was going delirious stepping through those airport doors. "We'reherewe'reherewe'reherewe'reherewe'rehere!!" something like that. happy. tasted the brisk wintry air of 11pm Perth, and revelled in it. took about 50 brochures off the shelves at the airport, hopped into cab. went to hotel.
the roads were entirely empty. we had entire stretches of road completely to ourselves, and went minutes at a time without seeing another vehicle. checked into hotel. we had booked just one room, seeing as we only planned to stay one night, from about midnight to 8am. figured we could survive for that long. turns out we almost didn't. the heater, as far as we could tell, wasn't working. and in the morning, we discovered that we had left a small window open. it was 3 degrees out. genius.
anyway i've typed for an hour and i'm tired. more later.
Jul 1, 2005
Mark Chapter 3
Verse 4: "Then Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath, to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they remained silent" A useful verse to remember sometimes when tempted by legalistic thoughts. It will always be lawful to do good.
Verse 5: "He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts....."
It's not wrong to be angry, and even deeply distressed. I think it's probably wrong if you are angry but not distressed, because that anger is probably on your own behalf, as opposed to anger + distress, which i see as the anger at someone doing wrong accompanied by a distress for that person who is lost.
Verse 5: "He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts....."
It's not wrong to be angry, and even deeply distressed. I think it's probably wrong if you are angry but not distressed, because that anger is probably on your own behalf, as opposed to anger + distress, which i see as the anger at someone doing wrong accompanied by a distress for that person who is lost.
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