on the bright side.
still walking with God. still growing. He's not saying anything about those bad points yet, i think. need to trust that He makes ALL THINGS beautiful in His time.
continuing to try and please my earthly father. seems like the right thing to do. continuing to fight and strive to do the right thing by everyone i come across. is that sufficient?
Jul 30, 2006
a cracked vessel
sleep is running from me tonight. its been happening more and more of late. more and more posts happening at 3am in the morning. why.
over the past few weeks, i have been sensing more and more that pride is a very big issue in my life, which is hindering me greatly from doing what i should be doing.
pride, arrogance is a strange thing. in areas where i think i am strong, i am willing to make mistakes, because i believe people will respect me for my strength in that area anyway. in areas where i think i am weak, i shy away, and hide my ignorance in silence and a brooding face.
the irony here being that because i refuse to ask questions where i am ignorant, i remain ignorant till the end of my days. what a counter-intuitive result.
one simple example is in the whole area of getting to know people. often, i can't bring myself to approach people whose names i have forgotten, citing the excuse that i'm too pai seh to tell them i've forgotten their name. this is pride - a fear of embarassing oneself by confessing one's ignorance. and since i'm so terrible with names, what happens is that i end up not speaking to the majority of people i "know", because i can't remember their names.
this situation gets worse the longer it drags, because it seems more and more pai seh to admit that you don't know someone's name after having "known" them for years. i don't know 3/4 of my cousins' names.
anyway, this is where everyone should scold me for being so silly.
sadder still, i am just beginning to realise what a judgemental person i am. it is a problem which has been getting worse. my world is divided into people i respect, and others, and i sometimes avoid the latter, especially when i'm tired - if i see them in the street i sometimes pretend i didn't see them and walk another way. i continue to hold people to my own standards of right and wrong, when somewhere in my head i know that we are called to love people.... but it is easier to love the repentant sinner than the bo chap poser.
and it's been getting worse. i find my brain making instant judgements more and more these days, and they tend to be negative in nature. why.
is it any wonder that i have so few friends? the people who actually like me, i guess, are the ones whom i respect and thus treat well. will someone contradict me please?
over the past few weeks, i have been sensing more and more that pride is a very big issue in my life, which is hindering me greatly from doing what i should be doing.
pride, arrogance is a strange thing. in areas where i think i am strong, i am willing to make mistakes, because i believe people will respect me for my strength in that area anyway. in areas where i think i am weak, i shy away, and hide my ignorance in silence and a brooding face.
the irony here being that because i refuse to ask questions where i am ignorant, i remain ignorant till the end of my days. what a counter-intuitive result.
one simple example is in the whole area of getting to know people. often, i can't bring myself to approach people whose names i have forgotten, citing the excuse that i'm too pai seh to tell them i've forgotten their name. this is pride - a fear of embarassing oneself by confessing one's ignorance. and since i'm so terrible with names, what happens is that i end up not speaking to the majority of people i "know", because i can't remember their names.
this situation gets worse the longer it drags, because it seems more and more pai seh to admit that you don't know someone's name after having "known" them for years. i don't know 3/4 of my cousins' names.
anyway, this is where everyone should scold me for being so silly.
sadder still, i am just beginning to realise what a judgemental person i am. it is a problem which has been getting worse. my world is divided into people i respect, and others, and i sometimes avoid the latter, especially when i'm tired - if i see them in the street i sometimes pretend i didn't see them and walk another way. i continue to hold people to my own standards of right and wrong, when somewhere in my head i know that we are called to love people.... but it is easier to love the repentant sinner than the bo chap poser.
and it's been getting worse. i find my brain making instant judgements more and more these days, and they tend to be negative in nature. why.
is it any wonder that i have so few friends? the people who actually like me, i guess, are the ones whom i respect and thus treat well. will someone contradict me please?
Jul 28, 2006
10pm at a playground...
just had a wonderful talk with my friend, who's been studying in UK. he was sharing about how when he first went to UK, his attitude was that he was going there to reach out to people, a mission trip of sorts, and God has really been blessing his work in the UK.
but something he shared that really inspired me, was how God has been slowly changing his mindset... such that it doesn't matter where in the world he is any more... the whole world is a mission field. how we need to realise this truth... no matter where in the world you are, there are always people you can reach for Jesus, or people whom you can encourage in their walk...
he also talked about the one-to-one mentoring which he had over there, how richly it was blessing his life, and how that ministry is perhaps the most important one that a church can have... to really bring about change in people's lives.... something which i was talking about a few posts back.
nice talking to you, friend.
but something he shared that really inspired me, was how God has been slowly changing his mindset... such that it doesn't matter where in the world he is any more... the whole world is a mission field. how we need to realise this truth... no matter where in the world you are, there are always people you can reach for Jesus, or people whom you can encourage in their walk...
he also talked about the one-to-one mentoring which he had over there, how richly it was blessing his life, and how that ministry is perhaps the most important one that a church can have... to really bring about change in people's lives.... something which i was talking about a few posts back.
nice talking to you, friend.
Jul 24, 2006
Jul 18, 2006
epilogue
i have concluded that i missed a great opportunity at this eye-fo. if i had been more friendly, if i had been more sociable, if i had taken the effort to move out of my comfort zone and engage with people, i would have met many more friends than i have. but i am thankful for those whom i have met. i think that i am comparing myself again to those who are better than me in this specific area, but i suppose one should always try to improve himself.
for what its worth, i guess that i'm happy with what i contributed to this event. i wasn't one of the main planners, although i helped out abit here and there. i wasn't one of the main person-in-charges on the ground, but i helped out where i could, and when no one else was available.
thats what i love to do, it seems. to help to do the simple things, the tasks away from the spotlight, where i can remain unnoticed, to find joy in completing my own work which i have set for myself, and where i don't have to relate to people as much. and it's a good thing, i suppose.
i came across a verse today, which would have helped me cope with the events of last saturday morning.
Ecc 10:4 - If a ruler's anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great errors to rest.
thankfully, i was not the person in charge that morning. older, cooler, wiser heads prescribed calmness, and i submitted, and the matter was resolved. it is a principle that holds true in many situations - resolutions can often be found if you choose not to lose your temper.
another interesting verse for you lot - Ecc 7:10
for what its worth, i guess that i'm happy with what i contributed to this event. i wasn't one of the main planners, although i helped out abit here and there. i wasn't one of the main person-in-charges on the ground, but i helped out where i could, and when no one else was available.
thats what i love to do, it seems. to help to do the simple things, the tasks away from the spotlight, where i can remain unnoticed, to find joy in completing my own work which i have set for myself, and where i don't have to relate to people as much. and it's a good thing, i suppose.
i came across a verse today, which would have helped me cope with the events of last saturday morning.
Ecc 10:4 - If a ruler's anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great errors to rest.
thankfully, i was not the person in charge that morning. older, cooler, wiser heads prescribed calmness, and i submitted, and the matter was resolved. it is a principle that holds true in many situations - resolutions can often be found if you choose not to lose your temper.
another interesting verse for you lot - Ecc 7:10
inspired
is it wrong to envy those who are more driven than i am? is it wrong to always compare myself to those whoa re better than me?
what i am about to say will sound like the height of arrogance. and perhaps it is.
i think that i have not done well with what i have been given. i think that i have many talents, most of which are simply not being used, or are being under-utilised. and as such, i am disappointed with myself.
those of you who hear me criticise myself laugh. you tell me that i have already achieved so much, why push harder? but that's not the point. if the servant who had been given five talents only managed to gain one more when the master returned, would the master have been as happy? i have always felt that i have been underachieving. that with the talents God has given me, talents which i did nothing to deserve, that i should be doing far more for His Kingdom than i am. is this a spur to encourage me, or is it a lie to discourage me? i wonder.
i have shirked over-much responsibility, using the excuse that i like my rest. but if i do not stretch myself, how will i ever know what my limit is? besides, liking sleep is a poor excuse. (see Prov 20:13, Ps127:2)
the inspiration to this post are the wonderful volunteers i worked with throughout the course of the Eye-fo. People who, due to the quirks of the delegates under their charge, and due to the heavy schedule allotted to them, got by on minimal amounts of sleep. Yet the vast majority acquitted themselves admirably, being simultaneously the gracious host, the reproving nanny, the irrepressible tour guide, the concerned friend. And maintained a civil tongue in their head, and retained enough sense to work and run about fixing things and fighting fires. whereas i was stoned and malfunctioning for days after one night without sleep.
and i guess that's why even after consecutive nights of sleep deprivation, with the accordant Freudian slips, typing errors, and assorted derailed thought trains, i am still here at one am bashing away at the keyboard. with some other stuff that i need to accomplish tonight too. i want to be able to use my days well, because that is what we are called to do. because if i may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all my toil - this is a gift from God. (Ecc 3:13)
i think that Coke Light helps me stay awake and functional quite well. will continue to test this hypothesis.
what i am about to say will sound like the height of arrogance. and perhaps it is.
i think that i have not done well with what i have been given. i think that i have many talents, most of which are simply not being used, or are being under-utilised. and as such, i am disappointed with myself.
those of you who hear me criticise myself laugh. you tell me that i have already achieved so much, why push harder? but that's not the point. if the servant who had been given five talents only managed to gain one more when the master returned, would the master have been as happy? i have always felt that i have been underachieving. that with the talents God has given me, talents which i did nothing to deserve, that i should be doing far more for His Kingdom than i am. is this a spur to encourage me, or is it a lie to discourage me? i wonder.
i have shirked over-much responsibility, using the excuse that i like my rest. but if i do not stretch myself, how will i ever know what my limit is? besides, liking sleep is a poor excuse. (see Prov 20:13, Ps127:2)
the inspiration to this post are the wonderful volunteers i worked with throughout the course of the Eye-fo. People who, due to the quirks of the delegates under their charge, and due to the heavy schedule allotted to them, got by on minimal amounts of sleep. Yet the vast majority acquitted themselves admirably, being simultaneously the gracious host, the reproving nanny, the irrepressible tour guide, the concerned friend. And maintained a civil tongue in their head, and retained enough sense to work and run about fixing things and fighting fires. whereas i was stoned and malfunctioning for days after one night without sleep.
and i guess that's why even after consecutive nights of sleep deprivation, with the accordant Freudian slips, typing errors, and assorted derailed thought trains, i am still here at one am bashing away at the keyboard. with some other stuff that i need to accomplish tonight too. i want to be able to use my days well, because that is what we are called to do. because if i may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all my toil - this is a gift from God. (Ecc 3:13)
i think that Coke Light helps me stay awake and functional quite well. will continue to test this hypothesis.
Jul 17, 2006
and so it ends...
I am one person who will replay events in my mind and fault myself for what I shouldn't have done or what I should have done better, shouldn't have said, should have said better. Or my mind starts to process what people said to me during the course of the day. Today it made me cringe at how judgmental, how hypocritical I was and how i was allowing myself to grow bitter. Sometimes its good to do such reflection if proper steps are taken after the realisation. But sometimes its just a pain cause it occasionally serves as a reminder of how insecure and sensitive one is.
agreed. so many things to say on this topic, especially after the nuttiness of the past two weeks. more on that later, i think. but i go one further - i imagine in my head conversations which have not taken place yet, filling in what i think other people might say. if you see me gesticulating randomly as i walk, that's probably what's happening.
so many things happened, and i made many decisions, and some of them turned out quite poorly. and depending on my mood i either analyse the situation and try to come up with learning points, or i berate myself for 'being prone to making the wrong decision', which is a lie.
There was once a rich man who stayed in a grand palace. On his birthday, he invited many people from other lands to celebrate with him. But some of his servants were jealous of the treatment that the guests were getting, and laid traps about the house to ensnare the unwary. This is what I think of the 37th Eye-fo (IPhO). But all credit to the rich man - his closing speech assuaged many wounds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
