sleep is running from me tonight. its been happening more and more of late. more and more posts happening at 3am in the morning. why.
over the past few weeks, i have been sensing more and more that pride is a very big issue in my life, which is hindering me greatly from doing what i should be doing.
pride, arrogance is a strange thing. in areas where i think i am strong, i am willing to make mistakes, because i believe people will respect me for my strength in that area anyway. in areas where i think i am weak, i shy away, and hide my ignorance in silence and a brooding face.
the irony here being that because i refuse to ask questions where i am ignorant, i remain ignorant till the end of my days. what a counter-intuitive result.
one simple example is in the whole area of getting to know people. often, i can't bring myself to approach people whose names i have forgotten, citing the excuse that i'm too pai seh to tell them i've forgotten their name. this is pride - a fear of embarassing oneself by confessing one's ignorance. and since i'm so terrible with names, what happens is that i end up not speaking to the majority of people i "know", because i can't remember their names.
this situation gets worse the longer it drags, because it seems more and more pai seh to admit that you don't know someone's name after having "known" them for years. i don't know 3/4 of my cousins' names.
anyway, this is where everyone should scold me for being so silly.
sadder still, i am just beginning to realise what a judgemental person i am. it is a problem which has been getting worse. my world is divided into people i respect, and others, and i sometimes avoid the latter, especially when i'm tired - if i see them in the street i sometimes pretend i didn't see them and walk another way. i continue to hold people to my own standards of right and wrong, when somewhere in my head i know that we are called to love people.... but it is easier to love the repentant sinner than the bo chap poser.
and it's been getting worse. i find my brain making instant judgements more and more these days, and they tend to be negative in nature. why.
is it any wonder that i have so few friends? the people who actually like me, i guess, are the ones whom i respect and thus treat well. will someone contradict me please?
