is it wrong to envy those who are more driven than i am? is it wrong to always compare myself to those whoa re better than me?
what i am about to say will sound like the height of arrogance. and perhaps it is.
i think that i have not done well with what i have been given. i think that i have many talents, most of which are simply not being used, or are being under-utilised. and as such, i am disappointed with myself.
those of you who hear me criticise myself laugh. you tell me that i have already achieved so much, why push harder? but that's not the point. if the servant who had been given five talents only managed to gain one more when the master returned, would the master have been as happy? i have always felt that i have been underachieving. that with the talents God has given me, talents which i did nothing to deserve, that i should be doing far more for His Kingdom than i am. is this a spur to encourage me, or is it a lie to discourage me? i wonder.
i have shirked over-much responsibility, using the excuse that i like my rest. but if i do not stretch myself, how will i ever know what my limit is? besides, liking sleep is a poor excuse. (see Prov 20:13, Ps127:2)
the inspiration to this post are the wonderful volunteers i worked with throughout the course of the Eye-fo. People who, due to the quirks of the delegates under their charge, and due to the heavy schedule allotted to them, got by on minimal amounts of sleep. Yet the vast majority acquitted themselves admirably, being simultaneously the gracious host, the reproving nanny, the irrepressible tour guide, the concerned friend. And maintained a civil tongue in their head, and retained enough sense to work and run about fixing things and fighting fires. whereas i was stoned and malfunctioning for days after one night without sleep.
and i guess that's why even after consecutive nights of sleep deprivation, with the accordant Freudian slips, typing errors, and assorted derailed thought trains, i am still here at one am bashing away at the keyboard. with some other stuff that i need to accomplish tonight too. i want to be able to use my days well, because that is what we are called to do. because if i may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all my toil - this is a gift from God. (Ecc 3:13)
i think that Coke Light helps me stay awake and functional quite well. will continue to test this hypothesis.
