Been doing alot of thinking of late. It started with feelings of guilt, about certain things which I've been putting off. Things which aren't really my responsibility, but which would be good to do anyway. And the train of thought derailed into a far-ranging discourse on serving God, and what exactly it is we are called to do, helped along by various discussions about our life's purpose and how we glorify God.
I reflected back on my journey with God, starting from when I first started to get serious about this whole God business some six or seven years ago, way back in Sec3, where my idea of glorifying God meant putting all of my heart, mind, soul and strength into worship. Shouting out the songs at the expense of my voice, analysing each line and word of every song to see if I could truly mean the words that were being sung, and being quiet if I couldn't. It was all the love that a child knew how to give. The rest of my life wasn't particularly significant - I spent approximately half my waking hours playing computer games - but I worshipped God the only way I knew how.
I remembered how when I went to JC, loving God meant setting aside time for him each morning to seek His presence - the first time I had ever managed a consistent quiet time. I was not satisfied to give Him 15 minutes of my morning on a crowded train - I desperately wanted God's presence each day, giving myself huge amounts of leeway time so that I wouldn't feel any time pressure when I came before Him. Getting to school at insane hours to enjoy the quiet hours with Him. Before I cracked open my Bible, I would sit and pray until I felt God's presence with me, and then I would start reading. Yet I coasted through the other parts of my life, blessed in all abundance with intelligence and good friends.
Over time, I was convicted of the need to use my gifts to serve God. I felt that the next step for me was to move out and begin serving, to stop being a parasite living off the church, but an active, contributing member. I felt that God gave me gifts so I could use them to bless His people, not to hide them under a bushel, a prompting made all the more urgent by the multitude of gifts I knew I had been given. And this new direction has challenged me greatly, forcing me far from my comfort zone in some circumstances, leaving me often weary in mind and body. And in doing so, I have been discovering new strengths, new gifts, and I know that God's been working in me, to repair the broken bits and to strengthen the working bits. And it's been great.
But wondering at these feelings of guilt, which are gradually becoming more familiar, I come to the realisation that I have wandered from my first love. I have subscribed to the belief that doing significant things is the measure of my day, and by extension the measure of my worth. Although I have heard this message many ties before, it has never struck home like this. I remember ending many days with regret at time wasted on worthless things, set upon by thoughts of self-condemnation. And measuring myself by this yardstick, I have come to measure others in the same way, leading to a judgemental attitude.
I pondered upon the analogy of a parent-child relationship, and reflected on how that relationship was independent of any outside success or failure on either person's part, dependent only on mutual love. I thought about the stories I've heard about children who felt overburdened, and ultimately unloved, because of the weight of parental expectation, and I remembered that my God is not like that. My God is the perfect Father, and He loves me with a perfect love that is unchanging and unshakeable.
We were looking at a discussion question which asked us what our primary purpose in life was, and I answered that it was to glorify God. My answer has changed. Our primary purpose in life is to love God. A lesson I was taught a long time ago and had forgotten till recently was that if you had done nothing else of worth in a day except worship God, then that day had been well spent for that reason alone. I remembered Micah 6:8, which had been my favourite verse once, a long time ago, which tells me that the Lord requires nothing of me but to love mercy, do justly, and walk humbly before my God. I imagine the joy which a parent would feel, when a child comes back beaming from a day of fun and relaxation, and I imagine that God would be the same way. After all, God is happy when we are happy.
The caution then, is not to take this lesson overboard. As in bringing up any child, there are times to love them and times to discipline them; times to comfort them, and times to challenge them. As I have been challenged, I hear this call to remember my first love, and to shift my focus to where it should never have left. But even as I feel more justified now to do things which are relaxing and recreational, I must not make them the focus of my life, and I have no idea how the lines are drawn. But one thing I know - that as long as I make room for God in my life, I am moving in the right direction.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Jul 2, 2007
Jan 24, 2007
Black//White
It’s past midnight, but I can’t sleep. Have an ansolutely full day tomorrow… schedule packed full fropm 9am to 9pm, and I need my sleep, but I can’t. thinking too much.
Thinking hard about an absolutely long talk I had on Sunday with a few friends. Talking about two issues, mainly. How ladies dress nowsadays, and clubbing. Asking about what Christianity had to say on these two things, and the general principles involved. About where the standards lay in these two areas. And we couldn’t seem to agree on a standard, which seriously worries me…
The simple view is: there is no standard. There is nothing explicit mentioned in the bible. Take the issue of ladies dressing for example. we are instructed not to be a stumbling block to others, but that verse has been used to justify so many unreasonable things that it is hard to apply that verse now. The second one that I just thought of is that a ladies beauty should not be in ornaments and perfume, but in good character and a godly spirit. But again, there is no clear cut standard.
One argument I heard is that we cannot isolate ourselves from the world. One extreme example would be the mormons, who are instantly recognizable by the way they dress. But no non-christian would dare approach them, and few Christians would either, such is their reputation. If we begin to impose rules and standards on people, is that where we are headed? Besides, Jesus admonished the Pharisees, who tithed on mint and cumin and dill, but ignored grace and mercy, when both should not be neglected. Rules are not the be all and end all of things, yet we should not rely on the law.
Yet without the law, we have slipped up. How are we set apart from the world, if in every respect we look and worse, act just like them. As the song by Steven Curtis Chapman puts it, what about the change? What about the difference? What about the life that’s showing I’m undergoing the change?? It is all to common to hear nowadays that people believe in our God, but they don’t see anything different about becoming a Christian.
So, pondering these things tonight, some things came to me and I must write them down before I forget.
Someone mentioned to me today that beyond all of our theological arguments of where the standards lie, deep within our hearts we know that there are certain standards to be followed. As people, we are all too good as using logic to justify our actions, twisting words for our benefit, while suppressing the voice of truth. A friend once told me that the more he found himself trying to justify an action, the more likely it was that the action was wrong. A thought that came to me some days ago was that we as people tend to make our decisions first and then tailor our arguments to support our decision. The verse which comes to mind goes something like, be ye doers of the word also, and not just hearers only, thereby deceiving yourselves.
We must learn to be honest with ourselves, and listen to that still small voice within us, the voice of truth that tells us a different story from what the world argues. For if we are truly born again, then the Spirit of God resides within us, and we can depend on the Spirit to guide us. As it says in Scripture, as many as are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. Jesus himself said that we, his sheep, know his voice and follow him. Let us take the advice of Mary, mother of Jesus to heart. "Whatever he says to you, do it."
Thinking hard about an absolutely long talk I had on Sunday with a few friends. Talking about two issues, mainly. How ladies dress nowsadays, and clubbing. Asking about what Christianity had to say on these two things, and the general principles involved. About where the standards lay in these two areas. And we couldn’t seem to agree on a standard, which seriously worries me…
The simple view is: there is no standard. There is nothing explicit mentioned in the bible. Take the issue of ladies dressing for example. we are instructed not to be a stumbling block to others, but that verse has been used to justify so many unreasonable things that it is hard to apply that verse now. The second one that I just thought of is that a ladies beauty should not be in ornaments and perfume, but in good character and a godly spirit. But again, there is no clear cut standard.
One argument I heard is that we cannot isolate ourselves from the world. One extreme example would be the mormons, who are instantly recognizable by the way they dress. But no non-christian would dare approach them, and few Christians would either, such is their reputation. If we begin to impose rules and standards on people, is that where we are headed? Besides, Jesus admonished the Pharisees, who tithed on mint and cumin and dill, but ignored grace and mercy, when both should not be neglected. Rules are not the be all and end all of things, yet we should not rely on the law.
Yet without the law, we have slipped up. How are we set apart from the world, if in every respect we look and worse, act just like them. As the song by Steven Curtis Chapman puts it, what about the change? What about the difference? What about the life that’s showing I’m undergoing the change?? It is all to common to hear nowadays that people believe in our God, but they don’t see anything different about becoming a Christian.
So, pondering these things tonight, some things came to me and I must write them down before I forget.
Someone mentioned to me today that beyond all of our theological arguments of where the standards lie, deep within our hearts we know that there are certain standards to be followed. As people, we are all too good as using logic to justify our actions, twisting words for our benefit, while suppressing the voice of truth. A friend once told me that the more he found himself trying to justify an action, the more likely it was that the action was wrong. A thought that came to me some days ago was that we as people tend to make our decisions first and then tailor our arguments to support our decision. The verse which comes to mind goes something like, be ye doers of the word also, and not just hearers only, thereby deceiving yourselves.
We must learn to be honest with ourselves, and listen to that still small voice within us, the voice of truth that tells us a different story from what the world argues. For if we are truly born again, then the Spirit of God resides within us, and we can depend on the Spirit to guide us. As it says in Scripture, as many as are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. Jesus himself said that we, his sheep, know his voice and follow him. Let us take the advice of Mary, mother of Jesus to heart. "Whatever he says to you, do it."
Jan 17, 2007
Beholding God's Glory
A concept introduced to me some time ago by a lady called Sarah Yang was "Beholding God's Glory". Don't really understand it, but it involves meeting God not through the Word, nor through worship, nor through prayer in words or tongue, but a kind of sitting and resting and... beholding. Just looking and seeing God's glory. She would put a worship CD on, and just sit and behold, and I tried that today.
So I was lying on my back, on my bed, gazing at the ceiling. I was wide awake, but lying down, because it seemed that God was up there somewhere, and a picture came into my mind - i saw the night sky, and the stars winking in the darkness, and I saw a tube made of some translucent, clear material, stretching away from me up and up into the Heavens, and a thought came to mind. The exact phrasing eludes me now, but... "Now that I'm fasting, I have a clear, direct, unimpeded line to Heaven." and then this. "Ask whatever you want."
So I spoke what I wanted. It seemed important to speak it aloud somehow. Three things I wanted. To know the will of God, to do the will of God, and to be empowered and anointed for the doing. and then, after a few more minutes... nothing. And I wondered whether I had said something wrong, or whether I had missed something somehow, whether I'd been distracted. And I pondered that for awhile, and then i decided that, you know, perhaps that was what God wanted to say for today, and that I would find out more tomorrow. Eagerly waiting tomorrow.
I write this here as testimony, and a reminder of what I am promised.
So I was lying on my back, on my bed, gazing at the ceiling. I was wide awake, but lying down, because it seemed that God was up there somewhere, and a picture came into my mind - i saw the night sky, and the stars winking in the darkness, and I saw a tube made of some translucent, clear material, stretching away from me up and up into the Heavens, and a thought came to mind. The exact phrasing eludes me now, but... "Now that I'm fasting, I have a clear, direct, unimpeded line to Heaven." and then this. "Ask whatever you want."
So I spoke what I wanted. It seemed important to speak it aloud somehow. Three things I wanted. To know the will of God, to do the will of God, and to be empowered and anointed for the doing. and then, after a few more minutes... nothing. And I wondered whether I had said something wrong, or whether I had missed something somehow, whether I'd been distracted. And I pondered that for awhile, and then i decided that, you know, perhaps that was what God wanted to say for today, and that I would find out more tomorrow. Eagerly waiting tomorrow.
I write this here as testimony, and a reminder of what I am promised.
Dec 30, 2006
His Majesty's Service
this post is exactly one week overdue. think about it.
it just goes to show how different the standards are by which God and men measure things. By all earthly standards, it was a washout. One frantic week of planning, the now-familiar mild flutterings of panic, it all came to naught. Yet somewhere in the extremely-small crowd, God was doing something special.
And I guess it's time to get used to the fact that this is how it's going to be, much of the time. God shows his awesome power by working through those who are weak. what was that verse, "He has used the foolish things of this world to shame the wisdom of the wise." We can be absolutely sure to take no credit, when the event fails spectacularly. His ways are higher than ours.
and yet, the fact remains that i did it. if i had not done it, then perhaps God would not have had that singular opportunity to speak into someone's life. It's an obedience thing, and will always be an obedience thing. We do what we are called to, as best as we can figure out what it is we are being called to do, and God does his own thing through our feeble efforts.
And it's a remarkably freeing discovery, and humbling too. The progress of God's Kingdom is not dependent on our abilities - God works in spite of it, for His greater glory. The progress of God's Kingdom is only dependent on humility, and obedience. To do that to which we are called, and to call out to Him in our weakness. and failures are not necessarily reflections on us, but merely God accomplishing His work in a subtle way. It's utterly amazing.
it just goes to show how different the standards are by which God and men measure things. By all earthly standards, it was a washout. One frantic week of planning, the now-familiar mild flutterings of panic, it all came to naught. Yet somewhere in the extremely-small crowd, God was doing something special.
And I guess it's time to get used to the fact that this is how it's going to be, much of the time. God shows his awesome power by working through those who are weak. what was that verse, "He has used the foolish things of this world to shame the wisdom of the wise." We can be absolutely sure to take no credit, when the event fails spectacularly. His ways are higher than ours.
and yet, the fact remains that i did it. if i had not done it, then perhaps God would not have had that singular opportunity to speak into someone's life. It's an obedience thing, and will always be an obedience thing. We do what we are called to, as best as we can figure out what it is we are being called to do, and God does his own thing through our feeble efforts.
And it's a remarkably freeing discovery, and humbling too. The progress of God's Kingdom is not dependent on our abilities - God works in spite of it, for His greater glory. The progress of God's Kingdom is only dependent on humility, and obedience. To do that to which we are called, and to call out to Him in our weakness. and failures are not necessarily reflections on us, but merely God accomplishing His work in a subtle way. It's utterly amazing.
Dec 8, 2006
post-exam fever!
well. not exactly fever. don't thinki'm feverish. down with flu, though. missed the casting crowns worship concert thing. missing cell tonight too probably. yet somehow i'm glad.
there's nothing like being a little bit ill to make you appreciate how good life is. sitting in the car with my dad and sis, and talking about not much in particular, and enjoying it thoroughly.
i think i crave companionship alot more when i'm not feeling well. had no company on the way home, but at least i had a nice full-size pillow, which i was bringing back from hostel. slept rather well on the train. =)
there was once i told someone that it was probably true that guys thought about sex roughly 500 times a day. but that was where i was then. i think i was in the army at the time. i no longer think its true. i think it depends alot on where i am in relation to God at that point in time.
i have learnt that telling yourself you will not do something doesn't work. not for me, anyway. worked for Job apparently, who made a "covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman", but not for me. what works for me is when i approach God in the morning, and humbly ask for grace and His protection from the temptations that come to me, knowing full well and having proven over and over that i cannot do it on my own. and faith sustains me throughout the day.
I thank God for the exams that have just gone by, and for this first semester at uni. Never have been so stressed in my life - to the point of tears at one point. stupid term paper. But i have learned part of what it means to trust God, and to be a faithful steward of my time. i have learned about rest at appropriate times, and i have learned that whatever work we have, it has been given to us by God, and in doing it faithfully, we worship God. i've learnt about the dangers of self-indulgence.
the challenge is to remember this once next sem starts again.
i saw an eagle today. too far away to make out the species. i saw a small flock of white-crested laughingthrushes some weeks ago, and i think i'm learning to recognise their calls. and this big black bird with red eyes which i can't identify yet. another unidentified species of woodpecker. there's a scarlet-backed flowerpecker who like to hang around in the trees just outside my window, and i've learnt how to recognise it's calls. the amount of variety in the plumage of the birds is simply incredible. awe-inspiring. indescribable.
It's amazing what prayer does. Amazing how much God cares about the little little details in your life. Like how when i sit down in the outdoors to be quiet and i ask God to show me something amazing, He has never failed me. Like how I had some strange extended family function which i was rather dreading going for, and somehow my gf appears at the same table as me to keep me company all night. how i only fall ill on the day of my last exam paper.
and it's stunning how faithless, and prayerless i still am, in the light of all this. in spite of the joy i've had in my quiet times these past few months, i find myself drifting away again. letting my feelings, my physical tiredness, any excuse to get in the way. but it's all excuses. but i'm still learning.
there's nothing like being a little bit ill to make you appreciate how good life is. sitting in the car with my dad and sis, and talking about not much in particular, and enjoying it thoroughly.
i think i crave companionship alot more when i'm not feeling well. had no company on the way home, but at least i had a nice full-size pillow, which i was bringing back from hostel. slept rather well on the train. =)
there was once i told someone that it was probably true that guys thought about sex roughly 500 times a day. but that was where i was then. i think i was in the army at the time. i no longer think its true. i think it depends alot on where i am in relation to God at that point in time.
i have learnt that telling yourself you will not do something doesn't work. not for me, anyway. worked for Job apparently, who made a "covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman", but not for me. what works for me is when i approach God in the morning, and humbly ask for grace and His protection from the temptations that come to me, knowing full well and having proven over and over that i cannot do it on my own. and faith sustains me throughout the day.
I thank God for the exams that have just gone by, and for this first semester at uni. Never have been so stressed in my life - to the point of tears at one point. stupid term paper. But i have learned part of what it means to trust God, and to be a faithful steward of my time. i have learned about rest at appropriate times, and i have learned that whatever work we have, it has been given to us by God, and in doing it faithfully, we worship God. i've learnt about the dangers of self-indulgence.
the challenge is to remember this once next sem starts again.
i saw an eagle today. too far away to make out the species. i saw a small flock of white-crested laughingthrushes some weeks ago, and i think i'm learning to recognise their calls. and this big black bird with red eyes which i can't identify yet. another unidentified species of woodpecker. there's a scarlet-backed flowerpecker who like to hang around in the trees just outside my window, and i've learnt how to recognise it's calls. the amount of variety in the plumage of the birds is simply incredible. awe-inspiring. indescribable.
It's amazing what prayer does. Amazing how much God cares about the little little details in your life. Like how when i sit down in the outdoors to be quiet and i ask God to show me something amazing, He has never failed me. Like how I had some strange extended family function which i was rather dreading going for, and somehow my gf appears at the same table as me to keep me company all night. how i only fall ill on the day of my last exam paper.
and it's stunning how faithless, and prayerless i still am, in the light of all this. in spite of the joy i've had in my quiet times these past few months, i find myself drifting away again. letting my feelings, my physical tiredness, any excuse to get in the way. but it's all excuses. but i'm still learning.
Oct 24, 2006
a matter of perspective
i thank God for perspective.
so i only took like the longest time today to get into school. it normally takes me anywhere between half an hour to an hour to get into school from jill's place, depending on waiting times - half an hour is with zero waiting time. usually if i take an hour to get in, i get pretty annoyed...
it's the waiting i can't stand. you can't do anything while you're waiting for the bus - half your attention needs to be on the road, lest your bus goes past you while you're engrossed in something else. given a choice between waiting half an hour for a fifteen minute ride, and not waiting at all for an hour long ride, i'd choose the latter - at least you can sleep on the bus.
but of course, that never happens, because you never think you're gonna end up waiting for half an hour, right?
walking to the bus-stop opposite jill's, i saw the bus i needed to take zoom past the stop. cue 15min wait. upon arriving at the holland V interchange, i saw BOTH buses i could take leaving. simultaneously. it always happens somehow; there are two different services i can take there, but i always end up waiting 15 minutes anyway.
so i walked to buona vista, hoping to catch a different service going the same way. didn't work. waited 15min for a 95, which i could have taken from the original bus stop anyway.
arrived in NUS. saw the internal shuttle leaving the bus stop. waited half an hour for the next one to arrive. i think there was only one bus on duty tonight - and it was probably alternating between the A1 and A2 routes. i mean seriously - after i had waited 10 minutes, i saw the A1 pass by on the opposite side of the road, but i decided not to take it since it takes a route about 5 times longer than the A2 to get to hall. but on hindsight, i guess i should have. on hindsight, i shouldn't have taken the 95, but should have taken the 92/200 which would have probably arrived within 2 minutes.
one hour of waiting, for about half an hour of travelling. normally i'd be screaming mad by now. i mean by about half an hour ago. but i thank God for perspective.
it's easy to blame God when these things happen. If you believe that God is omnipotent and in control of all things, if you believe that nothing is coincidental, but everything is planned by God, then God has to take the blame for these things. I was trying very hard not to think about that, but half an hour of waiting is abit much. the most i've ever done before is 45mins, but thats because the buses were full and wouldn't stop.
so i was asking God why He was wasting my time like this, and what could possibly be the reason for making me wait so long. and i remember that i haven't exactly been very faithful in how i use my time either. playing abit too much dota these past two nights, eating into my sleep time. other things too, internet etc. been quite ill-disciplined this past week.
and what came to me was this: if all i'm gonna do with the time God gives me is fritter it away frivolously, then God might as well not give me the time, and take it away in even more frivolous things i.e waiting endlessly for buses.
it reminded me of the parable of the talents, somehow. the guys who put their talents to work ended up receiving more from God, but the one who didn't bother using his talent had it taken away from him.
so here i am, frittering away some more time frivolously, blogging. but i hope it's not a frivolous activity. i hope you learn something from it.
God Bless.
May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus
For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You
Lord, will You be my vision, Lord, will You be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart
so i only took like the longest time today to get into school. it normally takes me anywhere between half an hour to an hour to get into school from jill's place, depending on waiting times - half an hour is with zero waiting time. usually if i take an hour to get in, i get pretty annoyed...
it's the waiting i can't stand. you can't do anything while you're waiting for the bus - half your attention needs to be on the road, lest your bus goes past you while you're engrossed in something else. given a choice between waiting half an hour for a fifteen minute ride, and not waiting at all for an hour long ride, i'd choose the latter - at least you can sleep on the bus.
but of course, that never happens, because you never think you're gonna end up waiting for half an hour, right?
walking to the bus-stop opposite jill's, i saw the bus i needed to take zoom past the stop. cue 15min wait. upon arriving at the holland V interchange, i saw BOTH buses i could take leaving. simultaneously. it always happens somehow; there are two different services i can take there, but i always end up waiting 15 minutes anyway.
so i walked to buona vista, hoping to catch a different service going the same way. didn't work. waited 15min for a 95, which i could have taken from the original bus stop anyway.
arrived in NUS. saw the internal shuttle leaving the bus stop. waited half an hour for the next one to arrive. i think there was only one bus on duty tonight - and it was probably alternating between the A1 and A2 routes. i mean seriously - after i had waited 10 minutes, i saw the A1 pass by on the opposite side of the road, but i decided not to take it since it takes a route about 5 times longer than the A2 to get to hall. but on hindsight, i guess i should have. on hindsight, i shouldn't have taken the 95, but should have taken the 92/200 which would have probably arrived within 2 minutes.
one hour of waiting, for about half an hour of travelling. normally i'd be screaming mad by now. i mean by about half an hour ago. but i thank God for perspective.
it's easy to blame God when these things happen. If you believe that God is omnipotent and in control of all things, if you believe that nothing is coincidental, but everything is planned by God, then God has to take the blame for these things. I was trying very hard not to think about that, but half an hour of waiting is abit much. the most i've ever done before is 45mins, but thats because the buses were full and wouldn't stop.
so i was asking God why He was wasting my time like this, and what could possibly be the reason for making me wait so long. and i remember that i haven't exactly been very faithful in how i use my time either. playing abit too much dota these past two nights, eating into my sleep time. other things too, internet etc. been quite ill-disciplined this past week.
and what came to me was this: if all i'm gonna do with the time God gives me is fritter it away frivolously, then God might as well not give me the time, and take it away in even more frivolous things i.e waiting endlessly for buses.
it reminded me of the parable of the talents, somehow. the guys who put their talents to work ended up receiving more from God, but the one who didn't bother using his talent had it taken away from him.
so here i am, frittering away some more time frivolously, blogging. but i hope it's not a frivolous activity. i hope you learn something from it.
God Bless.
May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus
For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You
Lord, will You be my vision, Lord, will You be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart
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