Been doing alot of thinking of late. It started with feelings of guilt, about certain things which I've been putting off. Things which aren't really my responsibility, but which would be good to do anyway. And the train of thought derailed into a far-ranging discourse on serving God, and what exactly it is we are called to do, helped along by various discussions about our life's purpose and how we glorify God.
I reflected back on my journey with God, starting from when I first started to get serious about this whole God business some six or seven years ago, way back in Sec3, where my idea of glorifying God meant putting all of my heart, mind, soul and strength into worship. Shouting out the songs at the expense of my voice, analysing each line and word of every song to see if I could truly mean the words that were being sung, and being quiet if I couldn't. It was all the love that a child knew how to give. The rest of my life wasn't particularly significant - I spent approximately half my waking hours playing computer games - but I worshipped God the only way I knew how.
I remembered how when I went to JC, loving God meant setting aside time for him each morning to seek His presence - the first time I had ever managed a consistent quiet time. I was not satisfied to give Him 15 minutes of my morning on a crowded train - I desperately wanted God's presence each day, giving myself huge amounts of leeway time so that I wouldn't feel any time pressure when I came before Him. Getting to school at insane hours to enjoy the quiet hours with Him. Before I cracked open my Bible, I would sit and pray until I felt God's presence with me, and then I would start reading. Yet I coasted through the other parts of my life, blessed in all abundance with intelligence and good friends.
Over time, I was convicted of the need to use my gifts to serve God. I felt that the next step for me was to move out and begin serving, to stop being a parasite living off the church, but an active, contributing member. I felt that God gave me gifts so I could use them to bless His people, not to hide them under a bushel, a prompting made all the more urgent by the multitude of gifts I knew I had been given. And this new direction has challenged me greatly, forcing me far from my comfort zone in some circumstances, leaving me often weary in mind and body. And in doing so, I have been discovering new strengths, new gifts, and I know that God's been working in me, to repair the broken bits and to strengthen the working bits. And it's been great.
But wondering at these feelings of guilt, which are gradually becoming more familiar, I come to the realisation that I have wandered from my first love. I have subscribed to the belief that doing significant things is the measure of my day, and by extension the measure of my worth. Although I have heard this message many ties before, it has never struck home like this. I remember ending many days with regret at time wasted on worthless things, set upon by thoughts of self-condemnation. And measuring myself by this yardstick, I have come to measure others in the same way, leading to a judgemental attitude.
I pondered upon the analogy of a parent-child relationship, and reflected on how that relationship was independent of any outside success or failure on either person's part, dependent only on mutual love. I thought about the stories I've heard about children who felt overburdened, and ultimately unloved, because of the weight of parental expectation, and I remembered that my God is not like that. My God is the perfect Father, and He loves me with a perfect love that is unchanging and unshakeable.
We were looking at a discussion question which asked us what our primary purpose in life was, and I answered that it was to glorify God. My answer has changed. Our primary purpose in life is to love God. A lesson I was taught a long time ago and had forgotten till recently was that if you had done nothing else of worth in a day except worship God, then that day had been well spent for that reason alone. I remembered Micah 6:8, which had been my favourite verse once, a long time ago, which tells me that the Lord requires nothing of me but to love mercy, do justly, and walk humbly before my God. I imagine the joy which a parent would feel, when a child comes back beaming from a day of fun and relaxation, and I imagine that God would be the same way. After all, God is happy when we are happy.
The caution then, is not to take this lesson overboard. As in bringing up any child, there are times to love them and times to discipline them; times to comfort them, and times to challenge them. As I have been challenged, I hear this call to remember my first love, and to shift my focus to where it should never have left. But even as I feel more justified now to do things which are relaxing and recreational, I must not make them the focus of my life, and I have no idea how the lines are drawn. But one thing I know - that as long as I make room for God in my life, I am moving in the right direction.
