i updated the links a little... the links basically reflect sites which i try to visit quite regularly.... here are some excerpts from boon
The awareness of sin used to be our shadow. Christians hated sin, feared it, fled from it, grieved over it. Some of our grandparents agonized over their sins. A man who lost his temper might wonder whether he could still go to Holy Communion. A woman who for years envied her more attractive and intelligent sister might worry that this sin threatened her very salvation... In today's group confessionals it is harder to tell. The newer language of Zion fudges: "Let us confess our problem with human relational adjustment dynamics, and especially our feebleness in networking." Or, "I'd just like to share that we just need to target holiness as a growth area." Where sin is concerned, people just mumble now."Cornelius Platinga, Not The Way It's Supposed To Be
also see - http://www.yellowbridge.com/humor/chineseIf.html
Feb 20, 2006
Anger Management
listening: I will go sailing no more [Toy Story]
We wrestle not against flesh and blood
But we war against the powers of darkness
For we are mighty through God
By the blood of His Son
That has rendered the enemy powerless
We are pulling down every work of Satan
Pushing back every force of hell
Casting down the imaginations
all the things I thought I'd be,
all the brave things i'd done
vanished like a snowflake,
with the rising of the sun
never more to sail my ship,
where no man has gone before
and I will go sailing no more
i need anger management. i have gotten more angry than i've ever been before, just this past saturday. the back of my neck felt like it had fire running down it, my skin felt like i had a sunburn, and i was probably red all over, though i had no mirror to check. but let us begin at the beginning.
i have an imagination that likes to run off with itself. i feel that this is generally a bad thing. i waste much time daydreaming. recurrent fantasies include taking part in Singapore Idol (often, esp when i'm showering) and playing soccer (when walking, usually).
one more fantasy that occupies my head sometimes is what i would do if someone suddenly snatched my mum's handbag and ran off. or if someone managed to break into my house with malicious intent. and when i think about these things, i feel my heart start to race... i feel my blood begin to boil... i suddenly feel like hitting someone... then i remind myself that its only my imagination, then i calm down again.
anyway, the above-mentioned scenarios in my imagination usually end up with me doing extremely violent things to the thief's neck / spine, while shouting loud and threatening words, or in the second scenario, me getting the chopper from the kitchen and threatening violence upon the intruder.
like isaac says, so young, so violent. sigh...
i had noticed my violent reactions, and had been mildly disconcerted by it... i haven't had much of an ager problem since sec2 thereabouts. then on saturday the world exploded.
i guess it started on friday night. i had planned for myself a lovely, relaxed saturday morning, where i could bum around, be with myself, and do nothing important at all. was thinking about joining the church people for a game of DotA or two, both on friday night and saturday morning. then something came up, and my plans were reduced to... well, just that. plans. they were run through a shredder, and there was nothing of any significance left.
being conscientious, i went to bed early on friday. woke early on saturday. half-past six early. all was fine and dandy till about noon-ish.... ACJC FunORama.
i was somewhat aghast at the rate money was disappearing from my pocket... this did not help my mood. i was dehydrated, since no one actually seemed to be selling water. the weather was scorching. i was grouchy. those who know me know that i abhor crowds, and FunORama is not the place to be if you don't like crowds. between all of that, i was in a mood to maim. it had gotten to the point that if people were in my way, my instinct was to elbow, rather than to dodge. it was that bad.
come about 1-plus, i couldn't take it anymore. i went running. in a polo T-shirt and sandals, with AC merchandise tucked under my armpit. running from the crowds, running from my troubles.... running when dehydrated. my imagination imagined me collapsing on some ulu road somewhere from dehydration and heat stroke.
anyway, i ended up somewhere amongst the HDB blocks behind holland V... napped on a bench under a cool pavilion, rested, alone, just about long enough to go face the world again for awhile. and that was the end of that. or so i thought.
i arranged with a bunch of church guys to watch soccer at Hawker Way at night. seeing as i had time to spare, i decided to go early to try and get a good seat... was there half an hour before the match. it was tough getting a seat... the men with beer mugs in hand were very good at sitting down at tables even before the previous patron had left... but as the match was about to start, i managed to corner a small table for myself, a 4-seater for me and the 3 other guys who were coming. i was there two seconds when someone else sidled in beside me, with kopi and cigarettes.
"Excuse me sir, but i have some friends coming"
"Aiyah, they not here yet right? never mind lah, when they come then i go, for now just let me sit here ok?"
i took him at his word, although i was extremely doubtful of his word. it was in my mind that when the rest of the guys showed up, that sheer force of numbers would convince him to remove himself. for surely one person would never move him... the concept of inertia works on bums and seats as well.
so i sat in sullen silence, until Isaac came along, whereupon i loudly informed Isaac that the man next to me had promised to remove himself once my friends had come... standard psychological tactic, to get public opinion on your side before starting an argument. when Isaac went to see baout getting food, compassion spoke to me, an i said
"You should go find another seat before the rest of my friends come... by the time they all get here, it will be hard to find empty seats... you are just one guy, its easier for you to find a place than us"
"what, you think you own this table is it? does the seat have your name on it? who are you to go around RESERVING seats for your friends. i have as much right to be here as you do, and if your friends are late too bad for them. get them go find their own seats."
heated words followed. my skin burst into flames, and most likely i turned quite red. the imagination was picturing a shouting match, with me abusing him liberally with expletives, in the way that the heathen do, and perhaps blows exchanged, with me pouring his kopi over his head. i chose to ignore him, and found sanctuary in small talk with Isaac, who may have noticed that i was unusually talkative that night. thankfully Liverpool won - if they lost, i might have lost it as well.
i still get angry when i think about what happened. trying hard to forgive him, by the grace of God. how i choose to react to it has absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, and forgiveness is for my own good, not his.
but this anger thing is worrying me. even today, when some small things were not going my way, i felt the familiar sensation in me, and i chose to slap a wall hard with my palm. it is not good.
one thing i learned recently. that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and the powers and the rulers of this dark age. when people piss me off... i should not take it personally, nor should i hold it against that person, but i should be aware that the devil is baiting me, goading me on towards sin.
We wrestle not against flesh and blood
But we war against the powers of darkness
For we are mighty through God
By the blood of His Son
That has rendered the enemy powerless
We are pulling down every work of Satan
Pushing back every force of hell
Casting down the imaginations
That exalt themselves
We are tearing down every deed of darkness
Breaking up every evil plan
We are tearing down every deed of darkness
Breaking up every evil plan
Casting out every demon spirit
By the blood of the Lamb
By the blood of the Lamb
By the blood of the Lamb
Feb 15, 2006
the truth
when bad things happen, people ask why. how God could allow such things to happen. they cannot reconcile the concept of a loving God with the amount of suffering present in this world today. but we are taught that we live in a fallen world, one in which authority and power was given to Satan by the sin of Adam.
but whatever you believe, it seems that it is more important to know this: whatever the cause, the devil seeks to turn all situations for evil, and God wants to turn all situations around for good. (i think there's a verse to back this up, but i can't find it) We can choose which way we want these things to turn out.
Call upon the name of the Lord and be saved
but whatever you believe, it seems that it is more important to know this: whatever the cause, the devil seeks to turn all situations for evil, and God wants to turn all situations around for good. (i think there's a verse to back this up, but i can't find it) We can choose which way we want these things to turn out.
Call upon the name of the Lord and be saved
Feb 9, 2006
i'd rather be a clerk in the house of my God than....
it stuck me as i was reading the Old Testament (Ezra, specifically, but there are many examples elsewhere) that the Jews were remarkably good administrators. This is witnessed by the long lists which they made present at various locations in the OT - things like the genealogies, and the complete lists of the people who went to this-and-this location or participated in this-and-this activity... they were meticulous record keepers. it seems that being a documentation clerk is a time-honoured job in the Jewish tradition, somehow. i think i feel honoured.
Several times, when the Jews went into captivity, you read of one of their administrative persons, walking with God, who rose to great power in the enemies kingdom, and gained favour with the king on behalf of Israel. Joseph in Egypt being the prime example. These men served faithfully under a hostile power, doing their jobs with all due diligence, or actually probably doing an outstanding job of it, and were rewarded, and gained favour for Israel through their actions.
and it occured to me that I should have done the same. I am in the employ of an organisation to which i hold no allegiance, a hostile power so to put it, and my service has not exactly been sterling of late. I was discouraged by the faithlessness of the people around me which seemed to go unpunished, but i think that these men of God, serving in a country not their own, must have surely faced the same problems, what with people plotting their downfall etc etc. and they persevered, and won through, and brought glory to God. Ezra records how King Darius of Persia ordered his treasurers to give the Israelites whatever!! they needed in the rebuilding of the temple and the offering of sacrifices.
so i guess what i should have done was pray against the unfair treatment. pray against the skivers. i think David prayed some rather horrible things to happen to his enemies (may his sons be fatherless kind of things), an i'm not sure if that's quite meant to be the right example to follow. but there's nothing wrong in praying for justice to be done, if i have been faithful in doing my work - after all, it is the prayer of a righteous man that avails much.
all in all, it seems rather late to realise this. 32 days left, of which 10 are weekend days, 2 will be given over to medical/dental appointments, and about 7 are leave. not much time left to "curry favour", but i guess it'll be good practice for the future.
"as if you were serving the Lord, not men." Eph 6:7
Several times, when the Jews went into captivity, you read of one of their administrative persons, walking with God, who rose to great power in the enemies kingdom, and gained favour with the king on behalf of Israel. Joseph in Egypt being the prime example. These men served faithfully under a hostile power, doing their jobs with all due diligence, or actually probably doing an outstanding job of it, and were rewarded, and gained favour for Israel through their actions.
and it occured to me that I should have done the same. I am in the employ of an organisation to which i hold no allegiance, a hostile power so to put it, and my service has not exactly been sterling of late. I was discouraged by the faithlessness of the people around me which seemed to go unpunished, but i think that these men of God, serving in a country not their own, must have surely faced the same problems, what with people plotting their downfall etc etc. and they persevered, and won through, and brought glory to God. Ezra records how King Darius of Persia ordered his treasurers to give the Israelites whatever!! they needed in the rebuilding of the temple and the offering of sacrifices.
so i guess what i should have done was pray against the unfair treatment. pray against the skivers. i think David prayed some rather horrible things to happen to his enemies (may his sons be fatherless kind of things), an i'm not sure if that's quite meant to be the right example to follow. but there's nothing wrong in praying for justice to be done, if i have been faithful in doing my work - after all, it is the prayer of a righteous man that avails much.
all in all, it seems rather late to realise this. 32 days left, of which 10 are weekend days, 2 will be given over to medical/dental appointments, and about 7 are leave. not much time left to "curry favour", but i guess it'll be good practice for the future.
"as if you were serving the Lord, not men." Eph 6:7
Feb 5, 2006
easy as 6-7-8
i don't care what people say about this blog having a weird URL... its so easy to get to lar!! once you've visited it before, all you have to do is type "i6" in the address field and IE / FireFox / whatever should list my blog right there for you.... silly people.
and for all you who know what i6uuaq actually stands for, you might have realised that i8uuaq works well too... i really want to copyright that.
and for all you who know what i6uuaq actually stands for, you might have realised that i8uuaq works well too... i really want to copyright that.
Feb 4, 2006
more answered prayer...
i testified about this on friday, but i'll write it here so that in the far-distant future i might look back and remember these things.
but as an aside, i have realised that what my teachers have been telling me from time immemorable (?) has been proven true on this blog: i don't know how to paragraph. my paragraphs are mini-essays in and of themselves, and are as easy to read as a bucketful of concrete.
and as another aside... i woke up at 3.30am on thursday morning and walked to my local 24-hour kopitiam on the off-chance that they might have been showing the Liverpool-Birmingham match on TV... they were. =) watched till nearly six before heading home and getting ready for work at 8. so fun!
it was friday morning, friday being yesterday at the point of this writing. i had come off a 5km run, my first in very long (i haven't been disciplined enough to run in recent weeks - just part of the overall disillusionment with army) and i had dropped by the gym for a short while after that... i was tired, and stoned out. i walked into office, and was greeted with a "Where's the speech file? Mr XXX (names hidden for fear of the ISA) is looking for the speech file".
context: Mr XXX is known locally as the angry old man - rather old, and gets angry easily. a high-ranked warrant officer well-trained in the art of shouting.
Seeing as the request was not put personally to me, i decided to ignore it and hope he would forget - a futile hope, considering past history, but a hope nonetheless. so i went about doing some other stuff which some other highly-ranked warrant officers had asked me to do, and settling some problems with a very-lost despatch driver, when dear Mr XXX pops in and demands "Where's the speech file?? Have you found it yet?? How long must I wait for you??" Aiming glares at every soul in the room, he disappears for some time. I message the filing clerk inquiring after this particular file, being not familiar with such things, and carry on with my other work.
As expected, shortly later Mr XXX pops in again and demands the file: "Fee Fie Fo Fum where is the speech file" (can't remember the exact words). Being truthful in general and also not very good at throwing smoke, i tell him truthfully that I have no idea what file he's talking about. and he gets angry "What?!?1 That's a very important file!! It contains xxxxx xxxx xxxx (etc) how can you all lose it?!! call XXX, call XXX see whether they know where it is, if not call XXX you all better find that file (etc etc etc)" So dutifully i call up all the respective XXX's, who either a)refer me to the wrong file (one which we've shown Mr XXX and been loudly rejected) or b) give me the verbal equivalent of the blank look (generally expressed as a long, drawn-out "huh??")
then pops in one of the guys, sent hither by Mr XXX looking for a certain document. and i went "A-hah! I know where this is!" and i went to my computer, checked my records, and found that the document should have been kept inside ZZZ book in the usual drawer. and so i went to flip open ZZZ book, and lo and behold the document was not there. and then i stared at the blank space for awhile. then i flipped through the book and found everything else in order, but for this missing document.
and then i look half-heartedly in all the various drawers, without much hope because i know my drawers fairly well, and i found nothing. and then i sat down to stare at the blank wall for awhile. and my friend enquired "What shall i tell Mr XXX?" and i told him to wait until i had gone and hidden somewhere, and then tell Mr XXX that it was not to be found.
and in despair and weariness I prayed, and said this: "Dear God, I have done all that I can, and I cannot find these things. Please help me to settle these problems." and i asked my friend to go away and ask someone else while i carried on looking.
so i considered the date of the document, and the events which were going on during that time, and i decided to look in a certain miscellaneous drawer, which is filled with all manner of things. and looking slowly, and without much energy, through the reams of stuff, i come across the document.
a short while later, one of the XXX's which i had called called back with a new suggestion: "Try this." (long detailed instructions follow) and i discover the long-lost speech file in a cabinet which i have never before opened (also discovering that it has been lost some six years so its really hardly my fault i don't know what it is)... seems quite miraculous to me. when the person couldn't think where it was before, but remembered after i prayed... how i went to look in exactly the right place for the missing document after praying.... such things are encouraging me greatly these past few days.
press in.
but as an aside, i have realised that what my teachers have been telling me from time immemorable (?) has been proven true on this blog: i don't know how to paragraph. my paragraphs are mini-essays in and of themselves, and are as easy to read as a bucketful of concrete.
and as another aside... i woke up at 3.30am on thursday morning and walked to my local 24-hour kopitiam on the off-chance that they might have been showing the Liverpool-Birmingham match on TV... they were. =) watched till nearly six before heading home and getting ready for work at 8. so fun!
it was friday morning, friday being yesterday at the point of this writing. i had come off a 5km run, my first in very long (i haven't been disciplined enough to run in recent weeks - just part of the overall disillusionment with army) and i had dropped by the gym for a short while after that... i was tired, and stoned out. i walked into office, and was greeted with a "Where's the speech file? Mr XXX (names hidden for fear of the ISA) is looking for the speech file".
context: Mr XXX is known locally as the angry old man - rather old, and gets angry easily. a high-ranked warrant officer well-trained in the art of shouting.
Seeing as the request was not put personally to me, i decided to ignore it and hope he would forget - a futile hope, considering past history, but a hope nonetheless. so i went about doing some other stuff which some other highly-ranked warrant officers had asked me to do, and settling some problems with a very-lost despatch driver, when dear Mr XXX pops in and demands "Where's the speech file?? Have you found it yet?? How long must I wait for you??" Aiming glares at every soul in the room, he disappears for some time. I message the filing clerk inquiring after this particular file, being not familiar with such things, and carry on with my other work.
As expected, shortly later Mr XXX pops in again and demands the file: "Fee Fie Fo Fum where is the speech file" (can't remember the exact words). Being truthful in general and also not very good at throwing smoke, i tell him truthfully that I have no idea what file he's talking about. and he gets angry "What?!?1 That's a very important file!! It contains xxxxx xxxx xxxx (etc) how can you all lose it?!! call XXX, call XXX see whether they know where it is, if not call XXX you all better find that file (etc etc etc)" So dutifully i call up all the respective XXX's, who either a)refer me to the wrong file (one which we've shown Mr XXX and been loudly rejected) or b) give me the verbal equivalent of the blank look (generally expressed as a long, drawn-out "huh??")
then pops in one of the guys, sent hither by Mr XXX looking for a certain document. and i went "A-hah! I know where this is!" and i went to my computer, checked my records, and found that the document should have been kept inside ZZZ book in the usual drawer. and so i went to flip open ZZZ book, and lo and behold the document was not there. and then i stared at the blank space for awhile. then i flipped through the book and found everything else in order, but for this missing document.
and then i look half-heartedly in all the various drawers, without much hope because i know my drawers fairly well, and i found nothing. and then i sat down to stare at the blank wall for awhile. and my friend enquired "What shall i tell Mr XXX?" and i told him to wait until i had gone and hidden somewhere, and then tell Mr XXX that it was not to be found.
and in despair and weariness I prayed, and said this: "Dear God, I have done all that I can, and I cannot find these things. Please help me to settle these problems." and i asked my friend to go away and ask someone else while i carried on looking.
so i considered the date of the document, and the events which were going on during that time, and i decided to look in a certain miscellaneous drawer, which is filled with all manner of things. and looking slowly, and without much energy, through the reams of stuff, i come across the document.
a short while later, one of the XXX's which i had called called back with a new suggestion: "Try this." (long detailed instructions follow) and i discover the long-lost speech file in a cabinet which i have never before opened (also discovering that it has been lost some six years so its really hardly my fault i don't know what it is)... seems quite miraculous to me. when the person couldn't think where it was before, but remembered after i prayed... how i went to look in exactly the right place for the missing document after praying.... such things are encouraging me greatly these past few days.
press in.
Jan 26, 2006
an answered prayer..
before i get to the point,
http://www.zradio.com/index/listen/
for edifying music. w00t!!
anyway.
i felt rather better after that rant. one of those things about having two hours of sleep is that suddenly everything seems incredibly funny to you. or to me, anyway. spent a considerable amount of time laughing hysterically. which is quite an achievement considering that most people who know me simply CANNOT imagine me laughing hysterically. well.. its your loss. =)
monday was an alright kind of day. survived, although i was really getting quite annoying near the end of the day, being short of sleep and short of temper.
approximately 15 hours after posting that last post there, i had answered prayer. praying for direction, for open doors... someone invited me to lead worship at tuesday's prayer meeting.... seems that my name had popped up mysteriously, my name specifically. i forgot to ask what time my name popped up... if someone told me it was 4am, it would be so cool.
funny thing is, after doing it once again, i don't think that it's something i'm really called to do... im just, ambivalent about the whole thing... like, i'll do it if you ask me, but i won't be the one stepping forward. hmm...
and at the end of tuesday, i discovered that i could go to range with a much better attitude towards the whole thing. hallelujah.
i really thank God for keeping me throughout the range... i was kept and protected and sheltered, and given enough for me to overflow to others too... even though my branch's recognised (multiple-award winning) skiver did his usual thing and got himself an MC to excuse himself, as was expected.
it didn't start off particularly well... i discovered that the foresight tip (non-SAF-personnel: it's an aiming device of sorts) on my weapon was faulty... stuck at maximum elevation, can't bring it down. after much deliberation, i got my weapon replaced. then i found out that all the 3SG's (that's me!) were slated once again to be the official sai-kang elite warriors for the range... clearing point IC, along with 4 more guys as chamber ICs, which means 5 people out of a total of 8 on duty at any one point of time... this not inclusive of the time actually spent firing... i wasn't particularly happy, but i was peaceful, which is miles better than how i was at 3am on monday.
the other reason why i'm not particularly eager to go for range, besides the noise, is the fact that i'm not particularly confident handling my weapon... not particularly fond of handling highly explosive bits of unyielding metal, especially when they are placed inside a device designed to make them explode. i am danger-averse, adrenalin-shy, amongst many other things.
but i thank God for this, amongst many other things, that my new weapon was working perfectly. not once did the weapon jam and cause me to take immediate action to rectify the problem (i tend to stress out here), most of the guys which i had to supervise had absolutely no problems with their weapons, and the few which did have problems managed to resolve the problem without much trouble. between the earplugs and the helmet i got quite a headache in mid-afternoon, but that cleared itself up with a little rest. the only time i had a weapon problem (it was the magazine, not the rifle) was so late in the day that i had become reasonably confident to sort out the problem.
and between all my duties and taking my test, i was kept just busy enough that the day passed quickly, uneventfully, pleasantly, with just sufficient rest to keep me going. i think i actually scored high enough to get marksman, but seeing as i was on duty when the marks were read out i don't know for sure. the whole thing actually came off really well, and i have only pleasant memories of a day which i had dreaded for so long. it's almost unbelievable.
most of this post was written over a week ago, but i was interrupted, ran out of time, and didn't find time to continue till now... oops. =)
http://www.zradio.com/index/listen/
for edifying music. w00t!!
anyway.
i felt rather better after that rant. one of those things about having two hours of sleep is that suddenly everything seems incredibly funny to you. or to me, anyway. spent a considerable amount of time laughing hysterically. which is quite an achievement considering that most people who know me simply CANNOT imagine me laughing hysterically. well.. its your loss. =)
monday was an alright kind of day. survived, although i was really getting quite annoying near the end of the day, being short of sleep and short of temper.
approximately 15 hours after posting that last post there, i had answered prayer. praying for direction, for open doors... someone invited me to lead worship at tuesday's prayer meeting.... seems that my name had popped up mysteriously, my name specifically. i forgot to ask what time my name popped up... if someone told me it was 4am, it would be so cool.
funny thing is, after doing it once again, i don't think that it's something i'm really called to do... im just, ambivalent about the whole thing... like, i'll do it if you ask me, but i won't be the one stepping forward. hmm...
and at the end of tuesday, i discovered that i could go to range with a much better attitude towards the whole thing. hallelujah.
i really thank God for keeping me throughout the range... i was kept and protected and sheltered, and given enough for me to overflow to others too... even though my branch's recognised (multiple-award winning) skiver did his usual thing and got himself an MC to excuse himself, as was expected.
it didn't start off particularly well... i discovered that the foresight tip (non-SAF-personnel: it's an aiming device of sorts) on my weapon was faulty... stuck at maximum elevation, can't bring it down. after much deliberation, i got my weapon replaced. then i found out that all the 3SG's (that's me!) were slated once again to be the official sai-kang elite warriors for the range... clearing point IC, along with 4 more guys as chamber ICs, which means 5 people out of a total of 8 on duty at any one point of time... this not inclusive of the time actually spent firing... i wasn't particularly happy, but i was peaceful, which is miles better than how i was at 3am on monday.
the other reason why i'm not particularly eager to go for range, besides the noise, is the fact that i'm not particularly confident handling my weapon... not particularly fond of handling highly explosive bits of unyielding metal, especially when they are placed inside a device designed to make them explode. i am danger-averse, adrenalin-shy, amongst many other things.
but i thank God for this, amongst many other things, that my new weapon was working perfectly. not once did the weapon jam and cause me to take immediate action to rectify the problem (i tend to stress out here), most of the guys which i had to supervise had absolutely no problems with their weapons, and the few which did have problems managed to resolve the problem without much trouble. between the earplugs and the helmet i got quite a headache in mid-afternoon, but that cleared itself up with a little rest. the only time i had a weapon problem (it was the magazine, not the rifle) was so late in the day that i had become reasonably confident to sort out the problem.
and between all my duties and taking my test, i was kept just busy enough that the day passed quickly, uneventfully, pleasantly, with just sufficient rest to keep me going. i think i actually scored high enough to get marksman, but seeing as i was on duty when the marks were read out i don't know for sure. the whole thing actually came off really well, and i have only pleasant memories of a day which i had dreaded for so long. it's almost unbelievable.
most of this post was written over a week ago, but i was interrupted, ran out of time, and didn't find time to continue till now... oops. =)
Jan 23, 2006
3am finds me sitting here in front of the computer, not feeling sleepy in the least. which is very weird, because i do love my sleep. i do.
perhaps it was the disappointment of watching Liverpool lose 1-0 to Man U about an hour ago to a last-minute goal. perhaps its the stuffed nose, or the fact that this house manages to keep itself at a toasty 28 degrees celsius even at 3am (this is a guesstimate). or perhaps its because my lower back (sacroiliac?) appears to have some issues with my mattress, and refuses to consort with it. which is aggravating the mild headache which comes with mild dehydration.
perhaps i'm an insomniac hypochondriac. and it rhymes with sacroiliac. woo.
some days it feels like life is just trampling all over me. somehow things seem a whole lot less certain at 3am in the morning. i'm not sure of very much at this particular moment... whether i really want to end up teaching (dead-end career, low pay), whether i could stand to do anything else besides teach, whether i might be able to use my talents at a higher level.
that thing that Jesus said is haunting me tonight... the bit about "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" that bit. Jesus said a whole lotta tough things. I am unsure of my salvation tonight. If even those who prophesied, who cast out demons, and who performed many miracles are not admitted into the kingdom of heaven, how much less I, who do none of the above. to give it some context - "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." We have all taken our salvation for granted - beware.
I have reflected much on this before - what does it mean to call Jesus Lord? Merriam-Webster puts it as such: a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due (emphasis added by me). Historically, the term Lord was used of one to whom complete allegiance was sworn, even unto death. and that is the kind of allegiance that is demanded of us - who can hit the standard? few, if any. but do we even try?
I have served little in my church for the past three years... waiting, waiting always, for a sign, for an open door and a violent prodding from God to move me into something - have i missed the call? even now, i feel prompted to take up a certain responsibility... yet i am very sure that the prompting comes out of my own desire. but i am told that God sometimes works through our desires. Isn't it better to jump in with a willing heart, to try and to fail rather than not trying at all. yet failing in this respect would be a hindrance to others.
O Lord, for an open door to show me where You would have me go. For the prompting of the people around me into the role that You would have me take. For the clarion call of Your Spirit leading me into victory. In the name of Jesus.
part of the reason for my self-doubt is my work. for i have not been a faithful steward of the work that has been given to me... indeed, i despise it thoroughly, and wait impatiently for the day when i will be freed from it. (Coriakin?)(49 days to go). It was not always so - i used to focus my efforts on doing my work well, believing that I was working as for the Lord, and that by doing my work diligently, I was showing love to those who depended on my work. I no longer believe that my work actually matters, having neglected it to such an extent for such a long time. The army is such an inefficient place filled with people concerned only about their own advancement - the system fails whether i work or not. the recent range is a classic example. if i frustrate my superiors through my lack of motivation, i simply become one of the many, many of whom are worse than me. if i expend myself in honest work, then i become invisible through anonymity, efforts gone unrecognised, because no attention is drawn to where there is no problem. and i no longer find the strength to work for my God in that godless place.
i find myself becoming jealous of others who have gone on to make something of their life. my compatriot who, by giving tuition unremittingly earns over $1k monthly, and spends all his time in camp diligently avoiding work and resting up for his tuition sessions at night. and playing dota with other people who have less work to do. how can diligently doing work for which i am underpaid and unrecognised compare to such luxury? i do not have his drive, but surely anything is better than this.
i keep telling myself how blessed i am. that it is a great blessing to even be able to be at home on a monday morning at 4am, when many other NSFs would be in camp, or getting ready to go in. but now i hate my work. i manage to hate it even when i hardly do any of it anymore. i keep telling my understudy to do as i say, and not as i do. it has taken him less than a month to complain that i have left all the work to him, and that i do almost none myself. (i excuse myself by saying that he has to do things himself if he is to ever learn - do things himself while i'm still around to answer his questions, which is true enough)
let me attempt to list my grievances against my employers here. i was told that i needed to go for range before i ORD. something like that has not been organised for 5 years, so i hear, so i have no idea how all the NSFs preceding me managed it. my upperstudy was told he needed to go for an ORD shoot, but he never did, and ORDed happily. by the way, i really dislike range. the noise bothers me, plus i dislike anything which has any element of danger in it.
so i steeled myself to go for the range organised last monday. where half the people did not turn up. and no action was taken against those who did not turn up. and those who were there ended up having to do extra work. i was initially told that i would function as a clearing point ic, for which i was extremely glad, for then i would be away from the sound of gunfire. on the day itself, the organising person (who shall not be named for fear i will get into trouble) contradicted himself, issued a whole new set of instructions, and i became chamber ic, subjected to the sound of gunfire the entire day. and TO TOP IT ALL OFF, we are now told that that particular shoot meant absolutely nothing, that the organising person organised it for no reason whatsoever, and that we have to go for another shoot this week which will last late into the night. and of course i won't get any off for that, 'cos my branch doesn't believe in giving off.
the context being that i really hate range. and that it was hard enough going for the first one. and now i'm told it was an exercise in futility.
there was a technical handling test prior to that first range. two-thirds the listed personnel didn't turn up. no action was taken against them... they ended up taking the test at the range itself. so those who obeyed instructions simply wasted their time going for the initial test, since those who didn't turn up did the test anyway, at a later time causing delay to those who were faithful.
there was a trip scheduled last friday, to take a NE Heritage tour in town area, which i was rather looking forward to. i enjoy learning more about Singapore history in a low pressure environment... have had lengthy discussions with some of my cousins about the teaching of Singapore history and how it should be improved. but three days before we were supposed to go on the trip, we were hit with a stunner. all those due to go for range had to go for IMT (some computerised range thingy) on the friday, too bad for the NE tour, yada yada yada. being already extremely pissed off over the whole topic of range, i did not take the news very well. i had been looking forward to the trip for two weeks, and they unlisted me from it with three days notice.
i went on the NE trip anyway, having joined it by nefarious means. and with my group, we finished the tour two-and-a-half hours early. so instead of letting us go early, which was only sensible, the organising person had us wait. in a dead-end corner of Fort Canning Park, with no seating and an ant infestation (which provided some pleasant distraction) - waiting, hot and sweaty from the full day of walking, waiting under the unforgiving sun, waiting simply because we were more efficient and more focused and completed the thing faster. waiting until storm clouds rolled in and we were nearly stranded by rain on top of Fort Canning Hill. i lost discipline, and left before the rain got too heavy, along with the rest of my branch.
all of this complaint from just one week. on top of the whole unfairness with the guard duty thing (no off given, for my branch only!!), and my annoyance (overworked again!!) at the recent exercise (pathetic amounts of off!!), i believe i have sufficiently explained why i hate my work. compared to the other branches, where NSFs get off by simply asking for some. where people who ORD later than me have already started clearing leave / off....
i have observed the treatment of the discipline cases at my camp. how those who go awol persistently enough end up getting permanent off / leave, with the range-organising-person covering for them even though they never, i-repeat-never, turn up in camp. those who have violent tendencies are given less work to do. those who have shown a propensity to write to MPs are excused from various duties. those who are shameless enough take MCs limitlessly. and nothing is done to stop them. "Virtue is its own reward" my foot. those who have the audacity to take advantage of the system win in every way. i despair of living right.
there are things i need to do that have not been done. one thing in particular i have put off for a full year now, and the deadline is soon approaching.
i have stated here more clearly than at any other time my frustrations. it has taken two hours. i apologise to my close confidante for never speaking more plainly... its harder to organise all of these thoughts over the phone.
it is nearly 5am. due up in two hours, have mild stomach-ache and ominous rumblings in my digestive system. sigh. unhappy. bah.
perhaps it was the disappointment of watching Liverpool lose 1-0 to Man U about an hour ago to a last-minute goal. perhaps its the stuffed nose, or the fact that this house manages to keep itself at a toasty 28 degrees celsius even at 3am (this is a guesstimate). or perhaps its because my lower back (sacroiliac?) appears to have some issues with my mattress, and refuses to consort with it. which is aggravating the mild headache which comes with mild dehydration.
perhaps i'm an insomniac hypochondriac. and it rhymes with sacroiliac. woo.
some days it feels like life is just trampling all over me. somehow things seem a whole lot less certain at 3am in the morning. i'm not sure of very much at this particular moment... whether i really want to end up teaching (dead-end career, low pay), whether i could stand to do anything else besides teach, whether i might be able to use my talents at a higher level.
that thing that Jesus said is haunting me tonight... the bit about "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'" that bit. Jesus said a whole lotta tough things. I am unsure of my salvation tonight. If even those who prophesied, who cast out demons, and who performed many miracles are not admitted into the kingdom of heaven, how much less I, who do none of the above. to give it some context - "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." We have all taken our salvation for granted - beware.
I have reflected much on this before - what does it mean to call Jesus Lord? Merriam-Webster puts it as such: a ruler by hereditary right or preeminence to whom service and obedience are due (emphasis added by me). Historically, the term Lord was used of one to whom complete allegiance was sworn, even unto death. and that is the kind of allegiance that is demanded of us - who can hit the standard? few, if any. but do we even try?
I have served little in my church for the past three years... waiting, waiting always, for a sign, for an open door and a violent prodding from God to move me into something - have i missed the call? even now, i feel prompted to take up a certain responsibility... yet i am very sure that the prompting comes out of my own desire. but i am told that God sometimes works through our desires. Isn't it better to jump in with a willing heart, to try and to fail rather than not trying at all. yet failing in this respect would be a hindrance to others.
O Lord, for an open door to show me where You would have me go. For the prompting of the people around me into the role that You would have me take. For the clarion call of Your Spirit leading me into victory. In the name of Jesus.
part of the reason for my self-doubt is my work. for i have not been a faithful steward of the work that has been given to me... indeed, i despise it thoroughly, and wait impatiently for the day when i will be freed from it. (Coriakin?)(49 days to go). It was not always so - i used to focus my efforts on doing my work well, believing that I was working as for the Lord, and that by doing my work diligently, I was showing love to those who depended on my work. I no longer believe that my work actually matters, having neglected it to such an extent for such a long time. The army is such an inefficient place filled with people concerned only about their own advancement - the system fails whether i work or not. the recent range is a classic example. if i frustrate my superiors through my lack of motivation, i simply become one of the many, many of whom are worse than me. if i expend myself in honest work, then i become invisible through anonymity, efforts gone unrecognised, because no attention is drawn to where there is no problem. and i no longer find the strength to work for my God in that godless place.
i find myself becoming jealous of others who have gone on to make something of their life. my compatriot who, by giving tuition unremittingly earns over $1k monthly, and spends all his time in camp diligently avoiding work and resting up for his tuition sessions at night. and playing dota with other people who have less work to do. how can diligently doing work for which i am underpaid and unrecognised compare to such luxury? i do not have his drive, but surely anything is better than this.
i keep telling myself how blessed i am. that it is a great blessing to even be able to be at home on a monday morning at 4am, when many other NSFs would be in camp, or getting ready to go in. but now i hate my work. i manage to hate it even when i hardly do any of it anymore. i keep telling my understudy to do as i say, and not as i do. it has taken him less than a month to complain that i have left all the work to him, and that i do almost none myself. (i excuse myself by saying that he has to do things himself if he is to ever learn - do things himself while i'm still around to answer his questions, which is true enough)
let me attempt to list my grievances against my employers here. i was told that i needed to go for range before i ORD. something like that has not been organised for 5 years, so i hear, so i have no idea how all the NSFs preceding me managed it. my upperstudy was told he needed to go for an ORD shoot, but he never did, and ORDed happily. by the way, i really dislike range. the noise bothers me, plus i dislike anything which has any element of danger in it.
so i steeled myself to go for the range organised last monday. where half the people did not turn up. and no action was taken against those who did not turn up. and those who were there ended up having to do extra work. i was initially told that i would function as a clearing point ic, for which i was extremely glad, for then i would be away from the sound of gunfire. on the day itself, the organising person (who shall not be named for fear i will get into trouble) contradicted himself, issued a whole new set of instructions, and i became chamber ic, subjected to the sound of gunfire the entire day. and TO TOP IT ALL OFF, we are now told that that particular shoot meant absolutely nothing, that the organising person organised it for no reason whatsoever, and that we have to go for another shoot this week which will last late into the night. and of course i won't get any off for that, 'cos my branch doesn't believe in giving off.
the context being that i really hate range. and that it was hard enough going for the first one. and now i'm told it was an exercise in futility.
there was a technical handling test prior to that first range. two-thirds the listed personnel didn't turn up. no action was taken against them... they ended up taking the test at the range itself. so those who obeyed instructions simply wasted their time going for the initial test, since those who didn't turn up did the test anyway, at a later time causing delay to those who were faithful.
there was a trip scheduled last friday, to take a NE Heritage tour in town area, which i was rather looking forward to. i enjoy learning more about Singapore history in a low pressure environment... have had lengthy discussions with some of my cousins about the teaching of Singapore history and how it should be improved. but three days before we were supposed to go on the trip, we were hit with a stunner. all those due to go for range had to go for IMT (some computerised range thingy) on the friday, too bad for the NE tour, yada yada yada. being already extremely pissed off over the whole topic of range, i did not take the news very well. i had been looking forward to the trip for two weeks, and they unlisted me from it with three days notice.
i went on the NE trip anyway, having joined it by nefarious means. and with my group, we finished the tour two-and-a-half hours early. so instead of letting us go early, which was only sensible, the organising person had us wait. in a dead-end corner of Fort Canning Park, with no seating and an ant infestation (which provided some pleasant distraction) - waiting, hot and sweaty from the full day of walking, waiting under the unforgiving sun, waiting simply because we were more efficient and more focused and completed the thing faster. waiting until storm clouds rolled in and we were nearly stranded by rain on top of Fort Canning Hill. i lost discipline, and left before the rain got too heavy, along with the rest of my branch.
all of this complaint from just one week. on top of the whole unfairness with the guard duty thing (no off given, for my branch only!!), and my annoyance (overworked again!!) at the recent exercise (pathetic amounts of off!!), i believe i have sufficiently explained why i hate my work. compared to the other branches, where NSFs get off by simply asking for some. where people who ORD later than me have already started clearing leave / off....
i have observed the treatment of the discipline cases at my camp. how those who go awol persistently enough end up getting permanent off / leave, with the range-organising-person covering for them even though they never, i-repeat-never, turn up in camp. those who have violent tendencies are given less work to do. those who have shown a propensity to write to MPs are excused from various duties. those who are shameless enough take MCs limitlessly. and nothing is done to stop them. "Virtue is its own reward" my foot. those who have the audacity to take advantage of the system win in every way. i despair of living right.
there are things i need to do that have not been done. one thing in particular i have put off for a full year now, and the deadline is soon approaching.
i have stated here more clearly than at any other time my frustrations. it has taken two hours. i apologise to my close confidante for never speaking more plainly... its harder to organise all of these thoughts over the phone.
it is nearly 5am. due up in two hours, have mild stomach-ache and ominous rumblings in my digestive system. sigh. unhappy. bah.
Jan 11, 2006
acdefg....hijklmop
typing has become a very interesting pastime ever since the 'n', 'b', '/', and spacebar died. i.e. to say, if i type normally, it looks like:
myameisejamig.
(my name is benjamin ng).
being the innovative person that i am, i have found a way around this disability - this nifty little program called the on-screen keyboard, hidden in the Accessories under the Start Menu. and typing is really taking quite long... don't think i'll finish saying what i want to say tonight...
but on the bright side, i've found a really good way to keep your passwords safe from those keystroke recording programmes. w00t.
myameisejamig.
(my name is benjamin ng).
being the innovative person that i am, i have found a way around this disability - this nifty little program called the on-screen keyboard, hidden in the Accessories under the Start Menu. and typing is really taking quite long... don't think i'll finish saying what i want to say tonight...
but on the bright side, i've found a really good way to keep your passwords safe from those keystroke recording programmes. w00t.
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