Anger Management

listening: I will go sailing no more [Toy Story]

all the things I thought I'd be,

all the brave things i'd done

vanished like a snowflake,

with the rising of the sun

never more to sail my ship,

where no man has gone before

and I will go sailing no more

i need anger management. i have gotten more angry than i've ever been before, just this past saturday. the back of my neck felt like it had fire running down it, my skin felt like i had a sunburn, and i was probably red all over, though i had no mirror to check. but let us begin at the beginning.

i have an imagination that likes to run off with itself. i feel that this is generally a bad thing. i waste much time daydreaming. recurrent fantasies include taking part in Singapore Idol (often, esp when i'm showering) and playing soccer (when walking, usually).

one more fantasy that occupies my head sometimes is what i would do if someone suddenly snatched my mum's handbag and ran off. or if someone managed to break into my house with malicious intent. and when i think about these things, i feel my heart start to race... i feel my blood begin to boil... i suddenly feel like hitting someone... then i remind myself that its only my imagination, then i calm down again.

anyway, the above-mentioned scenarios in my imagination usually end up with me doing extremely violent things to the thief's neck / spine, while shouting loud and threatening words, or in the second scenario, me getting the chopper from the kitchen and threatening violence upon the intruder.

like isaac says, so young, so violent. sigh...

i had noticed my violent reactions, and had been mildly disconcerted by it... i haven't had much of an ager problem since sec2 thereabouts. then on saturday the world exploded.

i guess it started on friday night. i had planned for myself a lovely, relaxed saturday morning, where i could bum around, be with myself, and do nothing important at all. was thinking about joining the church people for a game of DotA or two, both on friday night and saturday morning. then something came up, and my plans were reduced to... well, just that. plans. they were run through a shredder, and there was nothing of any significance left.

being conscientious, i went to bed early on friday. woke early on saturday. half-past six early. all was fine and dandy till about noon-ish.... ACJC FunORama.

i was somewhat aghast at the rate money was disappearing from my pocket... this did not help my mood. i was dehydrated, since no one actually seemed to be selling water. the weather was scorching. i was grouchy. those who know me know that i abhor crowds, and FunORama is not the place to be if you don't like crowds. between all of that, i was in a mood to maim. it had gotten to the point that if people were in my way, my instinct was to elbow, rather than to dodge. it was that bad.

come about 1-plus, i couldn't take it anymore. i went running. in a polo T-shirt and sandals, with AC merchandise tucked under my armpit. running from the crowds, running from my troubles.... running when dehydrated. my imagination imagined me collapsing on some ulu road somewhere from dehydration and heat stroke.

anyway, i ended up somewhere amongst the HDB blocks behind holland V... napped on a bench under a cool pavilion, rested, alone, just about long enough to go face the world again for awhile. and that was the end of that. or so i thought.

i arranged with a bunch of church guys to watch soccer at Hawker Way at night. seeing as i had time to spare, i decided to go early to try and get a good seat... was there half an hour before the match. it was tough getting a seat... the men with beer mugs in hand were very good at sitting down at tables even before the previous patron had left... but as the match was about to start, i managed to corner a small table for myself, a 4-seater for me and the 3 other guys who were coming. i was there two seconds when someone else sidled in beside me, with kopi and cigarettes.

"Excuse me sir, but i have some friends coming"

"Aiyah, they not here yet right? never mind lah, when they come then i go, for now just let me sit here ok?"

i took him at his word, although i was extremely doubtful of his word. it was in my mind that when the rest of the guys showed up, that sheer force of numbers would convince him to remove himself. for surely one person would never move him... the concept of inertia works on bums and seats as well.

so i sat in sullen silence, until Isaac came along, whereupon i loudly informed Isaac that the man next to me had promised to remove himself once my friends had come... standard psychological tactic, to get public opinion on your side before starting an argument. when Isaac went to see baout getting food, compassion spoke to me, an i said

"You should go find another seat before the rest of my friends come... by the time they all get here, it will be hard to find empty seats... you are just one guy, its easier for you to find a place than us"

"what, you think you own this table is it? does the seat have your name on it? who are you to go around RESERVING seats for your friends. i have as much right to be here as you do, and if your friends are late too bad for them. get them go find their own seats."

heated words followed. my skin burst into flames, and most likely i turned quite red. the imagination was picturing a shouting match, with me abusing him liberally with expletives, in the way that the heathen do, and perhaps blows exchanged, with me pouring his kopi over his head. i chose to ignore him, and found sanctuary in small talk with Isaac, who may have noticed that i was unusually talkative that night. thankfully Liverpool won - if they lost, i might have lost it as well.

i still get angry when i think about what happened. trying hard to forgive him, by the grace of God. how i choose to react to it has absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, and forgiveness is for my own good, not his.

but this anger thing is worrying me. even today, when some small things were not going my way, i felt the familiar sensation in me, and i chose to slap a wall hard with my palm. it is not good.

one thing i learned recently. that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and the powers and the rulers of this dark age. when people piss me off... i should not take it personally, nor should i hold it against that person, but i should be aware that the devil is baiting me, goading me on towards sin.

We wrestle not against flesh and blood
But we war against the powers of darkness
For we are mighty through God
By the blood of His Son
That has rendered the enemy powerless

We are pulling down every work of Satan
Pushing back every force of hell
Casting down the imaginations

That exalt themselves
We are tearing down every deed of darkness
Breaking up every evil plan

Casting out every demon spirit
By the blood of the Lamb

By the blood of the Lamb