I can't remember the speaker's name. which is a shame, because if i ever share his testimony, i would like to be able to attribute it to him.
he spoke on a very interesting topic. he shared about his weakness, and how God's glory is shown most vividly where you are weakest. or rather, can be shown most vividly, if you have given that weakness over to God.
i truly believe that i have many weaknesses. someone has reprimanded me for that, and ill probably do so again, but i am just trying to identify my feelings, my emotions, and then perhaps i can begin to understand myself.
now that i think about it more, maybe not MANY weaknesses. i have some, but they pop up alot.
i fear judgement from people, being not confident enough in myself, in spite of all that people have said to me. i mean, of course they'll say good things to my face, right? i never hear the criticism, but i assume it's out there. a fair assumption?
but i made a big step in overcoming this problem just this past week, i think. though i have professed a desire to enter the teaching vocation for the past four years, this past week i have been actually teaching (relief), and it didn't seem like it was going to be a good experience at first. those who know me know that i clam up around people i don't know well... only amongst friends of many years do i actually speak up. this past week, i have been asked to meet about 70 young people for the first time, to gain their attention and respect, and to perform a task which i have never officially been trained for, in a subject area which i have not touched for 2-and-a-half years. i was thoroughly intimidated.
it happened a month ago too, when i was teaching J1s. mild panic attacks throughout every day, wanting to go hide in a corner somewhere and skip classes. teacher skipping classes, would be a first, perhaps. but it wasn't too bad - it was an easy topic. i had worked through the questions thoroughly; knew my stuff.
monday was pretty bad. couldn't concentrate on anything. went to school early so i would have time to work through the questions, and really break down each question into the most basic steps so i could explain it thoroughly. i ended up staring at the tutorials, flipping through the notes, not really writing anything down. i worried that i wouldn't be able to answer their questions. that i would explain things wrongly, and make a fool of myself (this sentence is very telling, i think).
i prayed, and in my little cubicle in the staff room, i whispered out my prayer, and told the spirit of fear to leave me, because i am a child of God, and such things have no hold on me. and it left.
as far as the situation was, nothing changed. but the fear left me, and i felt more relaxed. it came back at intervals, but i resisted. now that i think about it, i don't think its went away completely, but it decreased drastically. enough for me to go for lessons.
and now that i think about it, all my worst fears came true. i got concepts wrong. i got formulas wrong. sometimes my students had to give me the right answers. and somehow i am unaffected by it all.
i don't think its gone away completely, and i think i should observe this on monday, and see if there's any more room for improvement. i still get restless before lessons, although this is also improving. but i thank God for giving me this peace, which is really quite beyond understanding, to show me that he is faithful.
i think the speaker (i think his name is William) really got my attention with his introduction. he talked about defining moments in our faith, how he used to want those defining moments, such as miracles or visions or such, which we can fall back on in times of doubt. it really struck a chord with me, because i want those too. my faith is weak, terribly weak, i feel. there are days, the most recent being wednesday, when i begin to doubt this entire construct that is the Christian faith, because my rational mind (or is it the devil?) shows me how what we believe is conveniently structured to handle any counter-argument. (the good stuff glorifies God, the bad stuff can also glorify God in how we respond to it, so what can disprove God?)
on wednesday, i recalled that faith is the believing of things which are not seen, and that it is by faith that we have salvation. when the arguments no longer hold, and logic has no solution, then we use our shield, which is called faith*. and now that i think about it, perhaps it is no coincidence that at camp last week, the message was on the armour of God.
it should probably be noted here that the speaker had his defining moment from God. it happened to leave him paralysed permanently from the waist down, which he still is. and yet he can praise God for it.
the camp was also good. it was enjoyable, even though i knew no one at the beginning. it was a wonderful time of rest, and of rekindling my love for God (which is still small). many wonderful new experiences, snorkeling, bouldering, some serious rock climbing (very big rocks, rather high up). blue skies, white sandy beaches with super-fine sand, clear water with plenty of colourful fishies. went fishing too, caught four fish. yay.
the NUS Navigators are a group of people who sincerely love God. this is their foremost feature, all other things come second, which is as it should be. i would want to join them if only to become more like them, on my way to becoming like Christ. even as they serve in all the different ways, and do all the things which good christians do, i can see that they love God. truly inspiring.
its been a long time since i've truly felt the presence of God near to me. but i thank God that at least i can see Him in the things and people around me, whose very lives testify to the glory of God. (lifeng, cheryl)
i'm so sure i had more to write, but i've been writing for over an hour, and its midnight, and i had a long day. but at the end of this extremely long post (what's new?), i have one thing to say. God is good.
One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Ps 62:11-12a
*if faith is our shield, which i use when it seems that nothing else is left, then what is righteousness to me? the breastplate is even more fundamental to our protection than the shield, and so righteousness is more important than faith? (sounds blasphemous) in those times when your faith is weak, as long as you protect your righteousness by continuing to live right, you will be able to stand. or so i interpret it.
