all my titles are really unimaginative...

yesterday was abit of a nutty day for me. just abit. might have been macadamia nuts, or perhaps just mixed nuts.

woke at about five. to study. yes, SAF personnel, study. currently on course, which means i need to begin to understand certain new and very unfamiliar things, but i was actually studying C Math for A levels, attempting to get my head around the latter bits of Stats so as to actually be of some assistance to the poor souls who have me teaching them. breakfast, abit of stoning, then study until about 6.30ish, when my brain refuses to cooperate anymore and i end up reading my "Get Fuzzy" compendium till its time to go.

was not happy about being on course. i mean, its better than working, i suppose, in that i have fewer responsibilities, and less work to do, but the pointlessness of it all was getting to me, seeing as its a course for a scenario which i will never have to experience, and i can say with certainty that i will never have to use any of the information which i learn in the course of my current appointment.

but in the depth of my angst i chose to remember my lesson from the previous night, to know and believe and trust that all things which fall to me are placed there for reasons unfathomable by my Father who is in Heaven, and that that reason alone is enough to accept and even embrace all things which come my way, and to rejoice. and the day passed uneventfully, and i may have aced the little mini-test which was set at the end of that day.

but the dark and early start to the day ('twas not bright and early, cos the sun had yet to rise) was telling, and i was nursing a woozy head soon enough, with class upcoming in the evening. and i prayed.

i have discovered conclusively that when i pray before giving tuition, choosing to trust in God and to depend on His wisdom and strength to teach, the lesson goes better. a half-formed snippet of a phrase wanders in my subconscious - "but it is the Lord who gives understanding." as far as i could tell, the guys were actually enjoying stats, which is frankly incredible since i don't enjoy it at all. and i think i still have materiel for next week. super awesome.

and then i attempted to study for my course on the way home. reading CONFIDENTIAL documents on an 852 on the way home... didn't seem entirely right, but oh well. whoops =).



Hosanna, hosanna to the Lamb that was slain.
Hosanna, hosanna, Jesus died, and rose again.

.

was just feeling overwhelmed tonight by the things that had to be done, that i had to do. funny now that i think about it - i never had this feeling in JC, but then in JC i never felt as if i HAD to do anything - homework, assignments and study were strictly optional. now i'm growing up, and i have responsibilities, to my family, to the people around me, and to my God.


and as is the case when being overwhelmed, one eventually ends up doing absolutely nothing. i was playing guitar, letting the sorrow ease, when jill calls, and we talk. and it was of a great help to me, a reminder of things that perhaps i never knew, or perhaps i forgot.

and it all boils back down to trusting. to misquote from Matthew, the Lord knows that you need (to do) these things. and i must learn to trust that the Lord has given these things into my hand for me to do, and that He will provide the way and the means by which they will be done. i just do what little i can in the time that i have, and somehow it all will get done. The Lord is my strength.

I am reminded of the miracle of Ezekiel and the widow. Where the man of God used a small flask of oil, and got it to fill every container in the house full of oil. (with the soaring oil prices nowadays, that could prove useful) We pour out what little strength and energy we might have on what we are called to do, and somehow we find that we are able to keep pouring and pouring and pouring.

and that has led me to the computer, which i think was planned by God, judging by whats going on on MSN... praise be unto Him.

today

haven't been here for a couple of weeks... typing is so slow. my brain works faster than i can talk, and i talk way faster than i get type. this, as a form of release for my feelings and frustrations, just doesnt cut it. but it will have to do.

listening to some choral MP3s, given me by huien. just in the nick of time, i say, being in a horrendous mood. horrendous. on the CD, written in red marker, is "for (censored to protect my identity!!)... mp3s". i think its sweet.

managed to create a rift between me and a guy at work on friday. my fault, i say, being in the horrendous mood that i was. basically exchanging the usual verbal barbs which are usually jokes and lightly brushed aside, but i guess there was a little venom in my voice, and me stalking off ahead of everyone else didnt really help...... i just wanted to be alone, but the gesture came across really badly. anyway thank God its over and resolved, and the other guy made the first move too.

i was in a horrible mood, 'cos someone was having a senseless shouting match in my vicinity, and i get affected really negatively by that. and we were complaining about the unfairness of the army system, and the biasness of the boss, and that put me in seriously a bad mood. i attempted to hang back at lunch and let them disappear on first, but then they waited for me, and then the world exploded. sigh... backup singing at night, someone said the pitching was all over the place during rehearsal, didnt exactly make me feel good... i take criticism really badly sometimes.

yesterday was much better... was kinda "nua" the whole morning, being unreasonably tired for nearly nine hours of sleep, but i had a headache and was pretty sure i was on the verge of falliong ill. but i swung by jill's place, and she REALLY wasn't feeling well, and i felt better. happens to me for some strange reason - when someone around me is down or upset or whatever, i go to the opposite. i hope people find it encouraging and helpful. anyway, played frisbee with a bunch of people, had great fun, scored quite a number of points =) yay for me.

and then today... well, can't really say it was bad, just in abit of a mood now. worship prac, worship went fine. always petrified that the sound will be really terrible, not really confident yet. ditto with the backup singing, which cropped up unexpectedly near the end of service. but the reason i've got a horrible mood is that i wasted the whole afternoon playing Winning Eleven 9. wanted to get off after a couple of games, but people kept asking me to play for some strange reason, and i obliged, having neither the will nor energy to refuse them. and then i just felt crappy at the end of it all. should have come home and cleaned up my room or something, room being in a perpetual state of civil unrest. so, upset at wasting afternoon. releasing pent up frustration on blog. and listening to good music. good ol' harmony.

i heard this from someone, and it resonated with me. that sometimes, its hard to know who among your friends feel the same way about you. someone whom you feel comfortable sharing things with, do they feel the same way? or are they just listening because its the polite thing to do, because they try to love people in general. i fear that i may be imposing upon them with my fevered ranting... doesn't help that those you thought of as friends don't seem to keep in contact much... sigh.

dinner beckons.