it's been a tough year, esp. this last couple of months. realising alot of things about myself, and the basic attitudes i take towards life which don't seem to be cutting it anymore. not really satisfied with any aspect of my life except my grades, which have never been my primary concern. i guess that i'm experiencing more of life and trying to come to grips with what is involved in living it, but it's not a particularly happy experience.
my primary attitude towards serving in church and ministry is heavily influenced by the idea of spiritual gifts. i'm drawn to this idea that if everyone simply does what they can with the gifts that they are given, the church would be a functioning place. some to be teachers, some to be evangelists etc. and somewhere along the line i got this idea that if i simply put my head down and did all the things i felt God had called me to do, then life would kinda fall into place for me, and i would find myself in the places that God had intended me to go into.
so i put my gifts to work in every area that i can, but somehow it doesn't seem to be working anymore.
it seemed great for awhile, as somehow doors opened before me, and i found myself in places i had never dreamed of going into, yet i'm entirely dissatisfied with them, to the point that i'm quite determined to pull out of everything this year. somehow i've been disappointed everywhere i go, and the cliched answers don't satisfy me. i liked the idea that certain actions led inexorably to certain results, even in this walk of faith, and that logic, sequence, and cause and effect still apply. be a man, do the right thing etc etc.
but maybe not. i'm reminded that i have been crucified with christ, and the life i now live in this body of mine i live by faith in the one who loves me. that it is faith that leads to salvation, not works. it seems like i took the 'obey' bit of 'trust and obey' and magnified it out of proportion to the 'trust' bit. but if real trust manifests itself in actions, then how does trusting and obedience differ in any way?
more to follow.
