one thing which scares me alot about my personality is that i cannot play any game without trying my best to win.
even if i decide mentally that, ok, i should play less competitively because i'm spoiling the game for everyone else, i still find it impossible to resist winning when i see the opportunity.
a little of it depends on my focus going into the game - if i am deliberately trying to build relationships with the people i'm playing with, then my focus will be shifted away from the game. but if i have no ulterior motive in mind, then i will focus to the best of my abilities on the game at hand, plotting and scheming my way to victory. this might also have something to do with me being a sore loser sometimes.
it just scares me, because i wonder what it is in me that desires to win so much. and i see a strong need to show that i am better than others, which strikes me as plain arrogance, because even if i am 'better' at one particular thing than someone else, it is by God's grace, and the other person probably stomps me flat at other things.
it also speaks to me of a deep-seated insecurity, that i don't believe that i am a capable person, which drives me to prove myself in any arena placed before me. this also explains some of the times that i am afraid to try new things, because i hesitate to show my incompetence in things i have never tried. and why often i don't ask questions even when i don't understand things, because i am afraid of appearing stupid.
and it's just sad, because this pride has really hindered me in many ways. i know that i could have done so much more with my life had i been less prideful. and that's sad.
anyway, what brought this discussion about was a game of Absolute Balderdash, which i won without talking too much to anyone in particular. sigh... but i enjoyed myself!
