maintenance

i updated the links a little... the links basically reflect sites which i try to visit quite regularly.... here are some excerpts from boon

The awareness of sin used to be our shadow. Christians hated sin, feared it, fled from it, grieved over it. Some of our grandparents agonized over their sins. A man who lost his temper might wonder whether he could still go to Holy Communion. A woman who for years envied her more attractive and intelligent sister might worry that this sin threatened her very salvation... In today's group confessionals it is harder to tell. The newer language of Zion fudges: "Let us confess our problem with human relational adjustment dynamics, and especially our feebleness in networking." Or, "I'd just like to share that we just need to target holiness as a growth area." Where sin is concerned, people just mumble now."Cornelius Platinga, Not The Way It's Supposed To Be


also see - http://www.yellowbridge.com/humor/chineseIf.html

Anger Management

listening: I will go sailing no more [Toy Story]

all the things I thought I'd be,

all the brave things i'd done

vanished like a snowflake,

with the rising of the sun

never more to sail my ship,

where no man has gone before

and I will go sailing no more

i need anger management. i have gotten more angry than i've ever been before, just this past saturday. the back of my neck felt like it had fire running down it, my skin felt like i had a sunburn, and i was probably red all over, though i had no mirror to check. but let us begin at the beginning.

i have an imagination that likes to run off with itself. i feel that this is generally a bad thing. i waste much time daydreaming. recurrent fantasies include taking part in Singapore Idol (often, esp when i'm showering) and playing soccer (when walking, usually).

one more fantasy that occupies my head sometimes is what i would do if someone suddenly snatched my mum's handbag and ran off. or if someone managed to break into my house with malicious intent. and when i think about these things, i feel my heart start to race... i feel my blood begin to boil... i suddenly feel like hitting someone... then i remind myself that its only my imagination, then i calm down again.

anyway, the above-mentioned scenarios in my imagination usually end up with me doing extremely violent things to the thief's neck / spine, while shouting loud and threatening words, or in the second scenario, me getting the chopper from the kitchen and threatening violence upon the intruder.

like isaac says, so young, so violent. sigh...

i had noticed my violent reactions, and had been mildly disconcerted by it... i haven't had much of an ager problem since sec2 thereabouts. then on saturday the world exploded.

i guess it started on friday night. i had planned for myself a lovely, relaxed saturday morning, where i could bum around, be with myself, and do nothing important at all. was thinking about joining the church people for a game of DotA or two, both on friday night and saturday morning. then something came up, and my plans were reduced to... well, just that. plans. they were run through a shredder, and there was nothing of any significance left.

being conscientious, i went to bed early on friday. woke early on saturday. half-past six early. all was fine and dandy till about noon-ish.... ACJC FunORama.

i was somewhat aghast at the rate money was disappearing from my pocket... this did not help my mood. i was dehydrated, since no one actually seemed to be selling water. the weather was scorching. i was grouchy. those who know me know that i abhor crowds, and FunORama is not the place to be if you don't like crowds. between all of that, i was in a mood to maim. it had gotten to the point that if people were in my way, my instinct was to elbow, rather than to dodge. it was that bad.

come about 1-plus, i couldn't take it anymore. i went running. in a polo T-shirt and sandals, with AC merchandise tucked under my armpit. running from the crowds, running from my troubles.... running when dehydrated. my imagination imagined me collapsing on some ulu road somewhere from dehydration and heat stroke.

anyway, i ended up somewhere amongst the HDB blocks behind holland V... napped on a bench under a cool pavilion, rested, alone, just about long enough to go face the world again for awhile. and that was the end of that. or so i thought.

i arranged with a bunch of church guys to watch soccer at Hawker Way at night. seeing as i had time to spare, i decided to go early to try and get a good seat... was there half an hour before the match. it was tough getting a seat... the men with beer mugs in hand were very good at sitting down at tables even before the previous patron had left... but as the match was about to start, i managed to corner a small table for myself, a 4-seater for me and the 3 other guys who were coming. i was there two seconds when someone else sidled in beside me, with kopi and cigarettes.

"Excuse me sir, but i have some friends coming"

"Aiyah, they not here yet right? never mind lah, when they come then i go, for now just let me sit here ok?"

i took him at his word, although i was extremely doubtful of his word. it was in my mind that when the rest of the guys showed up, that sheer force of numbers would convince him to remove himself. for surely one person would never move him... the concept of inertia works on bums and seats as well.

so i sat in sullen silence, until Isaac came along, whereupon i loudly informed Isaac that the man next to me had promised to remove himself once my friends had come... standard psychological tactic, to get public opinion on your side before starting an argument. when Isaac went to see baout getting food, compassion spoke to me, an i said

"You should go find another seat before the rest of my friends come... by the time they all get here, it will be hard to find empty seats... you are just one guy, its easier for you to find a place than us"

"what, you think you own this table is it? does the seat have your name on it? who are you to go around RESERVING seats for your friends. i have as much right to be here as you do, and if your friends are late too bad for them. get them go find their own seats."

heated words followed. my skin burst into flames, and most likely i turned quite red. the imagination was picturing a shouting match, with me abusing him liberally with expletives, in the way that the heathen do, and perhaps blows exchanged, with me pouring his kopi over his head. i chose to ignore him, and found sanctuary in small talk with Isaac, who may have noticed that i was unusually talkative that night. thankfully Liverpool won - if they lost, i might have lost it as well.

i still get angry when i think about what happened. trying hard to forgive him, by the grace of God. how i choose to react to it has absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, and forgiveness is for my own good, not his.

but this anger thing is worrying me. even today, when some small things were not going my way, i felt the familiar sensation in me, and i chose to slap a wall hard with my palm. it is not good.

one thing i learned recently. that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and the powers and the rulers of this dark age. when people piss me off... i should not take it personally, nor should i hold it against that person, but i should be aware that the devil is baiting me, goading me on towards sin.

We wrestle not against flesh and blood
But we war against the powers of darkness
For we are mighty through God
By the blood of His Son
That has rendered the enemy powerless

We are pulling down every work of Satan
Pushing back every force of hell
Casting down the imaginations

That exalt themselves
We are tearing down every deed of darkness
Breaking up every evil plan

Casting out every demon spirit
By the blood of the Lamb

By the blood of the Lamb

the truth

when bad things happen, people ask why. how God could allow such things to happen. they cannot reconcile the concept of a loving God with the amount of suffering present in this world today. but we are taught that we live in a fallen world, one in which authority and power was given to Satan by the sin of Adam.


but whatever you believe, it seems that it is more important to know this: whatever the cause, the devil seeks to turn all situations for evil, and God wants to turn all situations around for good. (i think there's a verse to back this up, but i can't find it) We can choose which way we want these things to turn out.



Call upon the name of the Lord and be saved

i'd rather be a clerk in the house of my God than....

it stuck me as i was reading the Old Testament (Ezra, specifically, but there are many examples elsewhere) that the Jews were remarkably good administrators. This is witnessed by the long lists which they made present at various locations in the OT - things like the genealogies, and the complete lists of the people who went to this-and-this location or participated in this-and-this activity... they were meticulous record keepers. it seems that being a documentation clerk is a time-honoured job in the Jewish tradition, somehow. i think i feel honoured.

Several times, when the Jews went into captivity, you read of one of their administrative persons, walking with God, who rose to great power in the enemies kingdom, and gained favour with the king on behalf of Israel. Joseph in Egypt being the prime example. These men served faithfully under a hostile power, doing their jobs with all due diligence, or actually probably doing an outstanding job of it, and were rewarded, and gained favour for Israel through their actions.

and it occured to me that I should have done the same. I am in the employ of an organisation to which i hold no allegiance, a hostile power so to put it, and my service has not exactly been sterling of late. I was discouraged by the faithlessness of the people around me which seemed to go unpunished, but i think that these men of God, serving in a country not their own, must have surely faced the same problems, what with people plotting their downfall etc etc. and they persevered, and won through, and brought glory to God. Ezra records how King Darius of Persia ordered his treasurers to give the Israelites whatever!! they needed in the rebuilding of the temple and the offering of sacrifices.

so i guess what i should have done was pray against the unfair treatment. pray against the skivers. i think David prayed some rather horrible things to happen to his enemies (may his sons be fatherless kind of things), an i'm not sure if that's quite meant to be the right example to follow. but there's nothing wrong in praying for justice to be done, if i have been faithful in doing my work - after all, it is the prayer of a righteous man that avails much.

all in all, it seems rather late to realise this. 32 days left, of which 10 are weekend days, 2 will be given over to medical/dental appointments, and about 7 are leave. not much time left to "curry favour", but i guess it'll be good practice for the future.



"as if you were serving the Lord, not men." Eph 6:7

easy as 6-7-8

i don't care what people say about this blog having a weird URL... its so easy to get to lar!! once you've visited it before, all you have to do is type "i6" in the address field and IE / FireFox / whatever should list my blog right there for you.... silly people.

and for all you who know what i6uuaq actually stands for, you might have realised that i8uuaq works well too... i really want to copyright that.

more answered prayer...

i testified about this on friday, but i'll write it here so that in the far-distant future i might look back and remember these things.

but as an aside, i have realised that what my teachers have been telling me from time immemorable (?) has been proven true on this blog: i don't know how to paragraph. my paragraphs are mini-essays in and of themselves, and are as easy to read as a bucketful of concrete.

and as another aside... i woke up at 3.30am on thursday morning and walked to my local 24-hour kopitiam on the off-chance that they might have been showing the Liverpool-Birmingham match on TV... they were. =) watched till nearly six before heading home and getting ready for work at 8. so fun!


it was friday morning, friday being yesterday at the point of this writing. i had come off a 5km run, my first in very long (i haven't been disciplined enough to run in recent weeks - just part of the overall disillusionment with army) and i had dropped by the gym for a short while after that... i was tired, and stoned out. i walked into office, and was greeted with a "Where's the speech file? Mr XXX (names hidden for fear of the ISA) is looking for the speech file".

context: Mr XXX is known locally as the angry old man - rather old, and gets angry easily. a high-ranked warrant officer well-trained in the art of shouting.

Seeing as the request was not put personally to me, i decided to ignore it and hope he would forget - a futile hope, considering past history, but a hope nonetheless. so i went about doing some other stuff which some other highly-ranked warrant officers had asked me to do, and settling some problems with a very-lost despatch driver, when dear Mr XXX pops in and demands "Where's the speech file?? Have you found it yet?? How long must I wait for you??" Aiming glares at every soul in the room, he disappears for some time. I message the filing clerk inquiring after this particular file, being not familiar with such things, and carry on with my other work.

As expected, shortly later Mr XXX pops in again and demands the file: "Fee Fie Fo Fum where is the speech file" (can't remember the exact words). Being truthful in general and also not very good at throwing smoke, i tell him truthfully that I have no idea what file he's talking about. and he gets angry "What?!?1 That's a very important file!! It contains xxxxx xxxx xxxx (etc) how can you all lose it?!! call XXX, call XXX see whether they know where it is, if not call XXX you all better find that file (etc etc etc)" So dutifully i call up all the respective XXX's, who either a)refer me to the wrong file (one which we've shown Mr XXX and been loudly rejected) or b) give me the verbal equivalent of the blank look (generally expressed as a long, drawn-out "huh??")

then pops in one of the guys, sent hither by Mr XXX looking for a certain document. and i went "A-hah! I know where this is!" and i went to my computer, checked my records, and found that the document should have been kept inside ZZZ book in the usual drawer. and so i went to flip open ZZZ book, and lo and behold the document was not there. and then i stared at the blank space for awhile. then i flipped through the book and found everything else in order, but for this missing document.

and then i look half-heartedly in all the various drawers, without much hope because i know my drawers fairly well, and i found nothing. and then i sat down to stare at the blank wall for awhile. and my friend enquired "What shall i tell Mr XXX?" and i told him to wait until i had gone and hidden somewhere, and then tell Mr XXX that it was not to be found.

and in despair and weariness I prayed, and said this: "Dear God, I have done all that I can, and I cannot find these things. Please help me to settle these problems." and i asked my friend to go away and ask someone else while i carried on looking.

so i considered the date of the document, and the events which were going on during that time, and i decided to look in a certain miscellaneous drawer, which is filled with all manner of things. and looking slowly, and without much energy, through the reams of stuff, i come across the document.

a short while later, one of the XXX's which i had called called back with a new suggestion: "Try this." (long detailed instructions follow) and i discover the long-lost speech file in a cabinet which i have never before opened (also discovering that it has been lost some six years so its really hardly my fault i don't know what it is)... seems quite miraculous to me. when the person couldn't think where it was before, but remembered after i prayed... how i went to look in exactly the right place for the missing document after praying.... such things are encouraging me greatly these past few days.




press in.