Tired... so tired. Came home, fell asleep.
Terribly tiring week. Been so terribly grouchy to everyone at work. Terrible terrible. Can't even focus my mind properly.... dry.
Anticipate sleeping at eight tonight.
They say that Solomon chose wisely, but I would rather have what David had.
Sep 19, 2005
Sep 12, 2005
Live Out Loud!!!
This whole weekend, the Abundant Life Family Church staged worship concerts over three nights at my church auditorium. I went the first night....
enjoyed myself. lost myself in the music, but sometimes i wonder if we're acting rather like fans at a concert... the whole jumping, screaming, singing till i'm horse, neigh**, i mean hoarse. it is an act of the will to keep my mind on the thing at hand, which i believe is called focusing, focusing on God. or, as All Star United put it, "It's true, we were meant to worship Someone. It's true, I do!!!" Perhaps that's why all the bouncing and shouting seems right.... Rejoice in the Lord, always, and again i say Rejoice.
the message was good. reminded me of what my sister taught me some time ago, but that's another story...
he spoke about seeing. to quote him, "Joshua and Caleb saw themselves as giant-killers; the other ten spies saw themselves as grasshoppers." For the context, read the Book of Joshua.
he was not referring to seeing as that of the eyes only, but more in terms of one's idea of the future... "what do you see yourself doing in ten years' time" kind of seeing. and this kind of seeing is significant...
it's a measure of your faith, really. quoting the speaker again, when Reverend Reinhardt Bonnke (not sure of spelling) arrived in Africa one fateful day many years ago, he was asked, "Reverend, do you see the depth of darkness and oppression that lies over this land?" He replied, "I see a blood-washed continent" (the whole of the above is reproduced from my memory, and is in no way guaranteed to be an accurate record of the actual quote.) That was the faith he had.
Somewhere along the line, it reminded me of the need to have a personal vision. What do you see yourself doing in ten years' time? What difference will you have made in the lives of the people around you? What are your priorities, where will you invest your time? Because where you invest your time is a clear indication of where your priorities are. The cliched question, what would you do if this day were your last?
I, am serving the nation. What a waste of time.
**this is meant to be a lame joke, a pun on the word nay. but if you still don't get it, nevermind.
enjoyed myself. lost myself in the music, but sometimes i wonder if we're acting rather like fans at a concert... the whole jumping, screaming, singing till i'm horse, neigh**, i mean hoarse. it is an act of the will to keep my mind on the thing at hand, which i believe is called focusing, focusing on God. or, as All Star United put it, "It's true, we were meant to worship Someone. It's true, I do!!!" Perhaps that's why all the bouncing and shouting seems right.... Rejoice in the Lord, always, and again i say Rejoice.
the message was good. reminded me of what my sister taught me some time ago, but that's another story...
he spoke about seeing. to quote him, "Joshua and Caleb saw themselves as giant-killers; the other ten spies saw themselves as grasshoppers." For the context, read the Book of Joshua.
he was not referring to seeing as that of the eyes only, but more in terms of one's idea of the future... "what do you see yourself doing in ten years' time" kind of seeing. and this kind of seeing is significant...
it's a measure of your faith, really. quoting the speaker again, when Reverend Reinhardt Bonnke (not sure of spelling) arrived in Africa one fateful day many years ago, he was asked, "Reverend, do you see the depth of darkness and oppression that lies over this land?" He replied, "I see a blood-washed continent" (the whole of the above is reproduced from my memory, and is in no way guaranteed to be an accurate record of the actual quote.) That was the faith he had.
Somewhere along the line, it reminded me of the need to have a personal vision. What do you see yourself doing in ten years' time? What difference will you have made in the lives of the people around you? What are your priorities, where will you invest your time? Because where you invest your time is a clear indication of where your priorities are. The cliched question, what would you do if this day were your last?
I, am serving the nation. What a waste of time.
**this is meant to be a lame joke, a pun on the word nay. but if you still don't get it, nevermind.
Sep 7, 2005
the fallout
oh yeah, and i didnt bother with prayer meeting, since by the time i finished eating it had already started. went home to blog instead.
today i had tuition with the guys, so i needed a quick dinner to get to tuition on time. i went back to the same store, gave the lady the same smile, ordered the same thing, went off to buy a paper and sat down at a table - out of view of the store. she smiled at me too, a little more ingratiating than usual i think, but there was no acrimony, no hard feelings. confession allows for forgiveness, which allows life to go on as usual. and gave me the opportunity to show her what love is.
today i had tuition with the guys, so i needed a quick dinner to get to tuition on time. i went back to the same store, gave the lady the same smile, ordered the same thing, went off to buy a paper and sat down at a table - out of view of the store. she smiled at me too, a little more ingratiating than usual i think, but there was no acrimony, no hard feelings. confession allows for forgiveness, which allows life to go on as usual. and gave me the opportunity to show her what love is.
Sep 6, 2005
yet another unimaginative title... i think i'm in a rut!
i really hate blogging. really, i do. i've done sufficient thinking in the lead-up to this rambling post to tire my brain out and rid me of any desire to further exert the thinking circuits tonight, although i should. but while such thoughts cooped up in my head will benefit me and me alone, hopefully on this stage it will find larger audience.
i've realised recently that much of my moodiness and depression is due to my dread of anything that appears on my schedule. this is even though everything on my schedule, save army, is there by my choice, and is something that i strongly want to do. this is because at heart, i'm exceedingly lazy, and want nothing better than to lie in bed and do nothing very much. the dread of upcoming activities and my dismay at having them is far more overwhelming than the activity itself.
i take a new mindset about these days. to quote a theme from american culture, "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." even if you happen to be female i suppose, but perhaps they think differently. i've put all these things into my schedule, and i should just get on with them because i know that i should be doing these things, and leave the worrying to God who is able.
i was on branch duty today. was getting quite happy to see every person but one left by six. usually the last person lets the clerk off early if all other matters have been settled, but this officer is new, and this custom was not adhered to. and so i waited, and helped with the work, and fought against the thought that had this lady compassion, i could've left an hour earlier. and smiled, and did my duty with all due diligence, to the point of chasing her down after she left to pass her something she left behind. wandering home, i discovered that there was no family dinner, on account that there wasn't any family around. it then occurred to me that if everything went well, i could make youth prayer meeting sorta kinda on time, so, not even pausing to change, i whizzed back out the door and downstairs for dinner.
i ordered food. i remember that quite clearly. then i bought a paper and sat down to wait. paper was boring, i finished it in under five minutes. food failed to materialise. read paper again. read articles that i skipped the first time through. read paper again. and again, in between staring at my watch and watching my fingernails grow.
i was tempted to go and enquire after my food after fifteen minutes, but i told myself to have patience. i really wanted to go ask after my food after twenty minutes, but i recall doing that once and bumping into the lady carrying my order out. at twenty-five minutes i was just too stunned at the incredible wait to approach the store. at thirty minutes i got up and went to stand with the crowd at the counter. eye contact was made, the lady suddenly became very agitated, and i returned to my seat.
i realise recently that i am quite incapable of short posts. but oh well, at least people who come here will be entertained for more than thirty seconds, right?
within five minutes, my food came, and the lady apologized profusely. with a wan smile, i politely informed her that waiting for thirty minues was "yi1 dian3 tai4 guo4 fen4 ba", i.e. abit too much. she apologized profusely.
my initial reaction was never to eat there ever again. then i checked myself, remembering that she had apologized, and that served as a mitigating factor. then it occurred to me that had she made excuses for herself, i might have been less upset. it helps me, it seems, to have some kind of explanation for the delay, which i can choose to believe in to alleviate the anger somehow. as in, to focus on the excuse, to convince myself that no wrong was done to me, and calm myself. and it all seemed so wrong somehow.
it seems that if one person apologizes, the other person now has a choice to forgive the first person. but if no apology was ever made, and excuses given instead, how can the person who was wronged forgive the first person, when the second person isn't entirely sure something wrong has been done... like, i'd feel rather arrogant if i said "i forgive you for dropping an ice-cream cone on me" when it wasn't your fault that you tripped over some small whiny kid.
conversely, how can the person who has sinned accept forgiveness if he chooses to deceive himself that he has done nothing wrong? if you never admit your sin, even to yourself, then how can you accept forgiveness. you cannot receive forgiveness for a crime you claim you did not commit.
while God's forgiveness is freely given, we cannot accept it without confessing our sin. this is why confessing our sin brings freedom in Christ, while blustering and hiding our faults breeds darkness.
i now realise that no matter what her response to me was, my response to her should always be the same, to love.
and i discarded the thought of never patronizing the store again as unneccessarily vindictive, and resolved instead to sit within immediate line-of-sight of the store so she would not forget my order again.
i've realised recently that much of my moodiness and depression is due to my dread of anything that appears on my schedule. this is even though everything on my schedule, save army, is there by my choice, and is something that i strongly want to do. this is because at heart, i'm exceedingly lazy, and want nothing better than to lie in bed and do nothing very much. the dread of upcoming activities and my dismay at having them is far more overwhelming than the activity itself.
i take a new mindset about these days. to quote a theme from american culture, "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." even if you happen to be female i suppose, but perhaps they think differently. i've put all these things into my schedule, and i should just get on with them because i know that i should be doing these things, and leave the worrying to God who is able.
i was on branch duty today. was getting quite happy to see every person but one left by six. usually the last person lets the clerk off early if all other matters have been settled, but this officer is new, and this custom was not adhered to. and so i waited, and helped with the work, and fought against the thought that had this lady compassion, i could've left an hour earlier. and smiled, and did my duty with all due diligence, to the point of chasing her down after she left to pass her something she left behind. wandering home, i discovered that there was no family dinner, on account that there wasn't any family around. it then occurred to me that if everything went well, i could make youth prayer meeting sorta kinda on time, so, not even pausing to change, i whizzed back out the door and downstairs for dinner.
i ordered food. i remember that quite clearly. then i bought a paper and sat down to wait. paper was boring, i finished it in under five minutes. food failed to materialise. read paper again. read articles that i skipped the first time through. read paper again. and again, in between staring at my watch and watching my fingernails grow.
i was tempted to go and enquire after my food after fifteen minutes, but i told myself to have patience. i really wanted to go ask after my food after twenty minutes, but i recall doing that once and bumping into the lady carrying my order out. at twenty-five minutes i was just too stunned at the incredible wait to approach the store. at thirty minutes i got up and went to stand with the crowd at the counter. eye contact was made, the lady suddenly became very agitated, and i returned to my seat.
i realise recently that i am quite incapable of short posts. but oh well, at least people who come here will be entertained for more than thirty seconds, right?
within five minutes, my food came, and the lady apologized profusely. with a wan smile, i politely informed her that waiting for thirty minues was "yi1 dian3 tai4 guo4 fen4 ba", i.e. abit too much. she apologized profusely.
my initial reaction was never to eat there ever again. then i checked myself, remembering that she had apologized, and that served as a mitigating factor. then it occurred to me that had she made excuses for herself, i might have been less upset. it helps me, it seems, to have some kind of explanation for the delay, which i can choose to believe in to alleviate the anger somehow. as in, to focus on the excuse, to convince myself that no wrong was done to me, and calm myself. and it all seemed so wrong somehow.
it seems that if one person apologizes, the other person now has a choice to forgive the first person. but if no apology was ever made, and excuses given instead, how can the person who was wronged forgive the first person, when the second person isn't entirely sure something wrong has been done... like, i'd feel rather arrogant if i said "i forgive you for dropping an ice-cream cone on me" when it wasn't your fault that you tripped over some small whiny kid.
conversely, how can the person who has sinned accept forgiveness if he chooses to deceive himself that he has done nothing wrong? if you never admit your sin, even to yourself, then how can you accept forgiveness. you cannot receive forgiveness for a crime you claim you did not commit.
while God's forgiveness is freely given, we cannot accept it without confessing our sin. this is why confessing our sin brings freedom in Christ, while blustering and hiding our faults breeds darkness.
i now realise that no matter what her response to me was, my response to her should always be the same, to love.
and i discarded the thought of never patronizing the store again as unneccessarily vindictive, and resolved instead to sit within immediate line-of-sight of the store so she would not forget my order again.
Aug 25, 2005
all my titles are really unimaginative...
yesterday was abit of a nutty day for me. just abit. might have been macadamia nuts, or perhaps just mixed nuts.
woke at about five. to study. yes, SAF personnel, study. currently on course, which means i need to begin to understand certain new and very unfamiliar things, but i was actually studying C Math for A levels, attempting to get my head around the latter bits of Stats so as to actually be of some assistance to the poor souls who have me teaching them. breakfast, abit of stoning, then study until about 6.30ish, when my brain refuses to cooperate anymore and i end up reading my "Get Fuzzy" compendium till its time to go.
was not happy about being on course. i mean, its better than working, i suppose, in that i have fewer responsibilities, and less work to do, but the pointlessness of it all was getting to me, seeing as its a course for a scenario which i will never have to experience, and i can say with certainty that i will never have to use any of the information which i learn in the course of my current appointment.
but in the depth of my angst i chose to remember my lesson from the previous night, to know and believe and trust that all things which fall to me are placed there for reasons unfathomable by my Father who is in Heaven, and that that reason alone is enough to accept and even embrace all things which come my way, and to rejoice. and the day passed uneventfully, and i may have aced the little mini-test which was set at the end of that day.
but the dark and early start to the day ('twas not bright and early, cos the sun had yet to rise) was telling, and i was nursing a woozy head soon enough, with class upcoming in the evening. and i prayed.
i have discovered conclusively that when i pray before giving tuition, choosing to trust in God and to depend on His wisdom and strength to teach, the lesson goes better. a half-formed snippet of a phrase wanders in my subconscious - "but it is the Lord who gives understanding." as far as i could tell, the guys were actually enjoying stats, which is frankly incredible since i don't enjoy it at all. and i think i still have materiel for next week. super awesome.
and then i attempted to study for my course on the way home. reading CONFIDENTIAL documents on an 852 on the way home... didn't seem entirely right, but oh well. whoops =).
Hosanna, hosanna to the Lamb that was slain.
Hosanna, hosanna, Jesus died, and rose again.
woke at about five. to study. yes, SAF personnel, study. currently on course, which means i need to begin to understand certain new and very unfamiliar things, but i was actually studying C Math for A levels, attempting to get my head around the latter bits of Stats so as to actually be of some assistance to the poor souls who have me teaching them. breakfast, abit of stoning, then study until about 6.30ish, when my brain refuses to cooperate anymore and i end up reading my "Get Fuzzy" compendium till its time to go.
was not happy about being on course. i mean, its better than working, i suppose, in that i have fewer responsibilities, and less work to do, but the pointlessness of it all was getting to me, seeing as its a course for a scenario which i will never have to experience, and i can say with certainty that i will never have to use any of the information which i learn in the course of my current appointment.
but in the depth of my angst i chose to remember my lesson from the previous night, to know and believe and trust that all things which fall to me are placed there for reasons unfathomable by my Father who is in Heaven, and that that reason alone is enough to accept and even embrace all things which come my way, and to rejoice. and the day passed uneventfully, and i may have aced the little mini-test which was set at the end of that day.
but the dark and early start to the day ('twas not bright and early, cos the sun had yet to rise) was telling, and i was nursing a woozy head soon enough, with class upcoming in the evening. and i prayed.
i have discovered conclusively that when i pray before giving tuition, choosing to trust in God and to depend on His wisdom and strength to teach, the lesson goes better. a half-formed snippet of a phrase wanders in my subconscious - "but it is the Lord who gives understanding." as far as i could tell, the guys were actually enjoying stats, which is frankly incredible since i don't enjoy it at all. and i think i still have materiel for next week. super awesome.
and then i attempted to study for my course on the way home. reading CONFIDENTIAL documents on an 852 on the way home... didn't seem entirely right, but oh well. whoops =).
Hosanna, hosanna to the Lamb that was slain.
Hosanna, hosanna, Jesus died, and rose again.
Aug 23, 2005
.
was just feeling overwhelmed tonight by the things that had to be done, that i had to do. funny now that i think about it - i never had this feeling in JC, but then in JC i never felt as if i HAD to do anything - homework, assignments and study were strictly optional. now i'm growing up, and i have responsibilities, to my family, to the people around me, and to my God.
and as is the case when being overwhelmed, one eventually ends up doing absolutely nothing. i was playing guitar, letting the sorrow ease, when jill calls, and we talk. and it was of a great help to me, a reminder of things that perhaps i never knew, or perhaps i forgot.
and it all boils back down to trusting. to misquote from Matthew, the Lord knows that you need (to do) these things. and i must learn to trust that the Lord has given these things into my hand for me to do, and that He will provide the way and the means by which they will be done. i just do what little i can in the time that i have, and somehow it all will get done. The Lord is my strength.
I am reminded of the miracle of Ezekiel and the widow. Where the man of God used a small flask of oil, and got it to fill every container in the house full of oil. (with the soaring oil prices nowadays, that could prove useful) We pour out what little strength and energy we might have on what we are called to do, and somehow we find that we are able to keep pouring and pouring and pouring.
and that has led me to the computer, which i think was planned by God, judging by whats going on on MSN... praise be unto Him.
and as is the case when being overwhelmed, one eventually ends up doing absolutely nothing. i was playing guitar, letting the sorrow ease, when jill calls, and we talk. and it was of a great help to me, a reminder of things that perhaps i never knew, or perhaps i forgot.
and it all boils back down to trusting. to misquote from Matthew, the Lord knows that you need (to do) these things. and i must learn to trust that the Lord has given these things into my hand for me to do, and that He will provide the way and the means by which they will be done. i just do what little i can in the time that i have, and somehow it all will get done. The Lord is my strength.
I am reminded of the miracle of Ezekiel and the widow. Where the man of God used a small flask of oil, and got it to fill every container in the house full of oil. (with the soaring oil prices nowadays, that could prove useful) We pour out what little strength and energy we might have on what we are called to do, and somehow we find that we are able to keep pouring and pouring and pouring.
and that has led me to the computer, which i think was planned by God, judging by whats going on on MSN... praise be unto Him.
Aug 21, 2005
today
haven't been here for a couple of weeks... typing is so slow. my brain works faster than i can talk, and i talk way faster than i get type. this, as a form of release for my feelings and frustrations, just doesnt cut it. but it will have to do.
listening to some choral MP3s, given me by huien. just in the nick of time, i say, being in a horrendous mood. horrendous. on the CD, written in red marker, is "for (censored to protect my identity!!)... mp3s". i think its sweet.
managed to create a rift between me and a guy at work on friday. my fault, i say, being in the horrendous mood that i was. basically exchanging the usual verbal barbs which are usually jokes and lightly brushed aside, but i guess there was a little venom in my voice, and me stalking off ahead of everyone else didnt really help...... i just wanted to be alone, but the gesture came across really badly. anyway thank God its over and resolved, and the other guy made the first move too.
i was in a horrible mood, 'cos someone was having a senseless shouting match in my vicinity, and i get affected really negatively by that. and we were complaining about the unfairness of the army system, and the biasness of the boss, and that put me in seriously a bad mood. i attempted to hang back at lunch and let them disappear on first, but then they waited for me, and then the world exploded. sigh... backup singing at night, someone said the pitching was all over the place during rehearsal, didnt exactly make me feel good... i take criticism really badly sometimes.
yesterday was much better... was kinda "nua" the whole morning, being unreasonably tired for nearly nine hours of sleep, but i had a headache and was pretty sure i was on the verge of falliong ill. but i swung by jill's place, and she REALLY wasn't feeling well, and i felt better. happens to me for some strange reason - when someone around me is down or upset or whatever, i go to the opposite. i hope people find it encouraging and helpful. anyway, played frisbee with a bunch of people, had great fun, scored quite a number of points =) yay for me.
and then today... well, can't really say it was bad, just in abit of a mood now. worship prac, worship went fine. always petrified that the sound will be really terrible, not really confident yet. ditto with the backup singing, which cropped up unexpectedly near the end of service. but the reason i've got a horrible mood is that i wasted the whole afternoon playing Winning Eleven 9. wanted to get off after a couple of games, but people kept asking me to play for some strange reason, and i obliged, having neither the will nor energy to refuse them. and then i just felt crappy at the end of it all. should have come home and cleaned up my room or something, room being in a perpetual state of civil unrest. so, upset at wasting afternoon. releasing pent up frustration on blog. and listening to good music. good ol' harmony.
i heard this from someone, and it resonated with me. that sometimes, its hard to know who among your friends feel the same way about you. someone whom you feel comfortable sharing things with, do they feel the same way? or are they just listening because its the polite thing to do, because they try to love people in general. i fear that i may be imposing upon them with my fevered ranting... doesn't help that those you thought of as friends don't seem to keep in contact much... sigh.
dinner beckons.
listening to some choral MP3s, given me by huien. just in the nick of time, i say, being in a horrendous mood. horrendous. on the CD, written in red marker, is "for (censored to protect my identity!!)... mp3s". i think its sweet.
managed to create a rift between me and a guy at work on friday. my fault, i say, being in the horrendous mood that i was. basically exchanging the usual verbal barbs which are usually jokes and lightly brushed aside, but i guess there was a little venom in my voice, and me stalking off ahead of everyone else didnt really help...... i just wanted to be alone, but the gesture came across really badly. anyway thank God its over and resolved, and the other guy made the first move too.
i was in a horrible mood, 'cos someone was having a senseless shouting match in my vicinity, and i get affected really negatively by that. and we were complaining about the unfairness of the army system, and the biasness of the boss, and that put me in seriously a bad mood. i attempted to hang back at lunch and let them disappear on first, but then they waited for me, and then the world exploded. sigh... backup singing at night, someone said the pitching was all over the place during rehearsal, didnt exactly make me feel good... i take criticism really badly sometimes.
yesterday was much better... was kinda "nua" the whole morning, being unreasonably tired for nearly nine hours of sleep, but i had a headache and was pretty sure i was on the verge of falliong ill. but i swung by jill's place, and she REALLY wasn't feeling well, and i felt better. happens to me for some strange reason - when someone around me is down or upset or whatever, i go to the opposite. i hope people find it encouraging and helpful. anyway, played frisbee with a bunch of people, had great fun, scored quite a number of points =) yay for me.
and then today... well, can't really say it was bad, just in abit of a mood now. worship prac, worship went fine. always petrified that the sound will be really terrible, not really confident yet. ditto with the backup singing, which cropped up unexpectedly near the end of service. but the reason i've got a horrible mood is that i wasted the whole afternoon playing Winning Eleven 9. wanted to get off after a couple of games, but people kept asking me to play for some strange reason, and i obliged, having neither the will nor energy to refuse them. and then i just felt crappy at the end of it all. should have come home and cleaned up my room or something, room being in a perpetual state of civil unrest. so, upset at wasting afternoon. releasing pent up frustration on blog. and listening to good music. good ol' harmony.
i heard this from someone, and it resonated with me. that sometimes, its hard to know who among your friends feel the same way about you. someone whom you feel comfortable sharing things with, do they feel the same way? or are they just listening because its the polite thing to do, because they try to love people in general. i fear that i may be imposing upon them with my fevered ranting... doesn't help that those you thought of as friends don't seem to keep in contact much... sigh.
dinner beckons.
Jul 23, 2005
possibly my favourite artiste...
I was lying in bed, on my back, listening to a cd, and holding the lyrics that came with the cd above me, reading it as i listened to the words.
and i wept, and the tears flowed down the side of my face, and dripped off my ears, and onto my pillow.
Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing
To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer
I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am
Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be
At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all... I need You
Written by Nichole Nordeman and Mark Hammond
Copyright 2002 Ariose Music / Mark Hammond Music / ASCAP /
Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing
and also
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too grerat
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
So, thank you, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shattered and scattered like the wind
Thank You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
We raise the standard, and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to...
Written by Nichole Nordeman
Copyright 2002 Ariose Music /ASCAP / Admin. by EMI Christian
Music Publishing
Amongst many others. But I've had enough typing for now.
and i wept, and the tears flowed down the side of my face, and dripped off my ears, and onto my pillow.
Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing
To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer
I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am
Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining 'cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be
At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all... I need You
Written by Nichole Nordeman and Mark Hammond
Copyright 2002 Ariose Music / Mark Hammond Music / ASCAP /
Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing
and also
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too grerat
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better
So, thank you, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shattered and scattered like the wind
Thank You, even then
So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day
We raise the standard, and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to...
Written by Nichole Nordeman
Copyright 2002 Ariose Music /ASCAP / Admin. by EMI Christian
Music Publishing
Amongst many others. But I've had enough typing for now.
new every morning...
some time ago, i realised something more profound than it seems at first glance.
i am a member of my family.
seems quite duh right. but its implications are large.
part of the family's responsibilities, so to say, include keeping the house and home in order. this is but one of the many roles of the family, and i can't elucidate right now being sore of head. therefore, ergo, in view of this, my role as a member of this family includes the maintenance of the house, in whatever free time i find.
fast-forward to this morning. i have set aside this morning to household chores, taking a break to type this. i realise that my dad has trained me in doing household chores - therefore i can start taking initiative and doing things myself now.
i have also re-discovered the importance of listening to music that is edifying in getting each day right. and the usefulness of disney music in distracting my brain while engaged in the tedium of chores. =)
think the wash is done, probably need to hang up clothes now.
i am a member of my family.
seems quite duh right. but its implications are large.
part of the family's responsibilities, so to say, include keeping the house and home in order. this is but one of the many roles of the family, and i can't elucidate right now being sore of head. therefore, ergo, in view of this, my role as a member of this family includes the maintenance of the house, in whatever free time i find.
fast-forward to this morning. i have set aside this morning to household chores, taking a break to type this. i realise that my dad has trained me in doing household chores - therefore i can start taking initiative and doing things myself now.
i have also re-discovered the importance of listening to music that is edifying in getting each day right. and the usefulness of disney music in distracting my brain while engaged in the tedium of chores. =)
think the wash is done, probably need to hang up clothes now.
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