Perfection

Our duty is to be more ourselves, not less - Thomas Merton

This phrase accurately sums up something that I've had to learn in order to accept myself better.


http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
I am an introvert. This used to bother me, and it still does sometimes. It seemed to me that extroverts got so much more out of life - more friends, more experiences, more highs, more lows. I longed for some of those things too, but found that I simply did not have the emotional energy to keep up with that lifestyle. Hang out with me for two hours, and you will find that my conversation eventually fades away, and I begin to zone out.

Through articles such as the one listed above, through much affirmation from Jill and other friends, through the Bible, I have begun to understand and accept that I am as deeply valued as all the people whom I used to envy. The envy of others stems from the fallacy that there is somehow a perfection that we can each strive to - that there is a state which is superior to all others, which we must achieve to obtain happiness.

There is some element of truth in this, but not in the way that we expect. The Bible, talking about the body of Christ, speaks plainly about the variety that God has imparted into His people, and make it clear that this is part of the plan. As the body of Christ, we are called to move towards perfection as a body, not as individuals, leaving room for the infinite variety of ways in which God has created us. I begin to realise that God is an artist, and that one design cannot adequately express perfection, because each design is different and beautiful in its own way.

Would the perfect body be characterised by having no disagreements whatsoever? I am not sure. Perhaps the perfect body is simply characterised by the ability to settle disagreements in an amicable way.
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I don't take teasing well. I don't agree with casual flirting, and I hate bargaining and haggling over prices, even when it's considered part of the culture. But I'm learning.

I'm learning that these things should not be taken seriously, which is tough because I take everything seriously. I've begun to realise that all these things are games of a sort, games that people play with each other in full recognition that the words being bandied about are not being said in earnest. The trick now is to transfer this mental understanding into my instinctive reactions.

Reflections

It was a good retreat. My term is just about over, my involvement will scale down to nearly nothing. It was a strange and difficult year. The new team made decisions that were exactly opposite to mine, yet I feel that both decisions were correct. Perhaps it was one of those situations that God gives us sometimes whereby either choice will do. It was for me a time of fixing relationships, of closing the ledger of accounts on an old year, with hopefully no outstanding debts to carry over into the new.

During one of the devotions, I came across an old highlighted verse in my Bible. Isaiah 55:5 says, "Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor." I am amazed at how God has done this for me. I had initially wanted to turn down the exco role to concentrate on this very thing, yet God himself has done it for me, so that I may not boast.

Now I step down into my personal rest. My personal disciplines had melted to nothing this past year, and I must find them again. I am glad that you have shared with me deeply, and accepted what advice I could impart, but all the relationship in the world will have no value if God does not do His redeeming work through that love, and for this, I must pray. I pray that God will give you a new heart, and put a new spirit in you; that He will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh; that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul as well as strength.

Two stones...

A man should keep two stones with him at all times. On one should be inscribed, "I am but dust and ashes." On the other, "For me, the world was created." He should use each as appropriate.



Knowing. Understanding. Grasping. Comprehending. Not the point. Not relevant.

Transformation. Purification. Sanctification. Abasement. Worship. Mystery.

iRead

Reading Programme: Book 1

Reaching for the Invisible God - Philip Yancey

I've been wanting to read this book for a long time, to see how others have coped with the doubts I struggle with.

I'm a guy who likes things black and white, and when I was young, I liked that about my faith. This is true, that is false, this is how the world works. I liked that about Physics too, which is why I'm studying Physics at NUS now. But as I grow older, the old certainty has been replaced by disconcerting thoughts about the way things are being done in some churches, and I have been struggling for the longest time to find out what exactly being a Christian means for me and the way I live my life. Physics has similarly betrayed me, as I have discovered that it's all very fuzzy at it's core. It's kinda funny, I guess, how my path in these two areas mirror each other.

As a science student, there was something I didn't like about the theology which I was learning, which was that it simply wasn't contradictable. If something good happens, you thank God. If something bad happens, you say that God is refining you. If you pray for something and it comes true, you thank God for answered prayer. If you pray for something and it doesn't happen, you say that perhaps it was not God's will. Under no circumstances can anything ever disprove God, because everything can be interpreted away accordingly. My logical mind was unhappy with that, because it sounded like a desperate delusion. Is God a testable hypothesis?

I am pleased that Yancey has included similar thoughts in his book. He tells the story of a man who steps off a curb and narrowly misses getting run down by a car. People praise God, saying that God was looking after him. The same man steps off the same curb a week later and gets run over, suffering serious injury. He spends months in hospital recovering, while people thank God for allowing him to live. A week after getting out of hospital, he steps off the same curb, gets run over, and dies. At his funeral, the pastor speaks on how God saw fit to call this man home.

The first day of the next three months...

Sermon today about families. I think it was relevant. My take-home was the last bit about grace and forgiveness.

My papers are over. I am thankful. They went somewhat well. I think I put in less effort this sem than I normally do. Was remarkably unmotivated. But I picked modules I had aptitude for, so that compensated.

Priorities for the next 3 months:
1) Develop support network.
2) Commence reading programme.
3) Exercise.
4) Learn to cook?
5) Resolve forgiveness issue.

I know I shouldn't dwell on the offence. I am definitely not supposed to keep a record of it. Yet when people talk about forgiveness, they always mention the need to be specific about the offence, which requires defining it. I guess I should get round to writing it out, and then throwing it away when I'm done with it. But I generally prefer typing.

board games

stumbled onto a board games blog. gonna list a few here that sound interesting.

Wings of War.
Ave Caesar.
Nexus Ops.

I'm a big fan of games which portray their various settings well. Good gameplay is one thing, but I'd like an immersive experience to boot. That's why I'm hooked on Twilight Imperium 3 - galactic colonization, empires battling it out, and cool plastic miniatures that look plenty menacing by themselves. The different races add so much colour to the game. I just wish it didn't take 5 people 8 hours to play.

Did I mention I played it earlier this week. 8 hours at a table, and not once did anyone get up to use the toilet, get a snack, or even get water. That's 8 straight hours around someone's dining table, and I was super-adrenaline-rush at the end of it.

My holidays are coming, but the guy who borrows the game for us is off to UK again. dangsit!!

again.

i am continually disappointed by my groupmates in every group project i do.

it was nice of you to offer to compile, but i noticed about 50 words misspelled. "dimer" is obviously not "dimmer", and considering that it's practically the main keyword of the entire project, and that we spent several lectures talking about it in class, i'd really expect you to be able to spell it. you're canadian, you're supposed to be smarter than the americans! and i noticed you didn't correct a single word written by the French guy, whose grammar and vocabulary is understandably poor. i mean, seriously, what?

i know that the Thai guy just isn't very good with his english, so i don't expect too much out of him, but i expected far better from you. really. and to think you offered to work 48 hours straight if need be. guess words don't mean much to you, huh?

as usual, i end up writing about half the report, and editing the other half too. and it's a 4-member team. whatever. i deliberately decided not to be selective about groupmates, 'cos i think that's just mean, so i guess this is what i get landed with. for what it's worth, i enjoyed the project, 'cos i think it'll be really good practice for thesis writing, but...



i wanted to write quite abit about Sunday's sermon, 'cos i thought it was the most interesting i've heard in awhile, but not really in the mood now.

on another note, i played a massive 5-player, 8-hour game of TI yesterday. woohoo! again!

Cats

just watched Cats. Tickets cost a small fortune, we were about 5 rows from the front on an aisle.

It was incredible. Amazing. Superb. A few highlights:

The actors really got into their roles. Part of the intro sequence involved some cats jumping up onto a wall (it was a high wall!) separating the stalls from the 1st circle, and reclining there in the spotlight. When the actors returned after the intermission, they did so through the audience, playfully tugging at loose bag straps along the way, and sticking their noses in between the seats. Two of them somehow got hold of someone's shoe, and sat in the middle of the aisle swatting the shoe at each other.

The final reprise of memory sent shivers down my spine all the way to my knees. Never felt that before. Teared abit too. Very powerful performance.

The show had more energy than a barrel full of duracell bunnies.

ieatishootievangelise

i'm very impressed with the guy at ieatishootipost.sg. after making his reputation as a local food expert, he's talking Christianity to his audience. he's had a Bible-Verse-of-the-Day at the bottom of his blog since forever, but this Good Friday he's issued an open invite to an evangelistic event.

respect.


on a separate note, my friend showed me an advertisement for a temp job that pays $250 a day. i so want that as a holiday job!! but it's only open to grads - teaching assistant at Republic Poly. i hear they don't even do much teaching there... mostly facilitating-style stuff, which i prefer anyway.