freedom is also good for the soul

more nonsense in the title. yay. actually its not really nonsense... its just not well-thought-through.

if someone offends you, and you forgive the person, the relationship is not yet mended. this is something i have come to realise.

you can make a conscious decision to forgive the person, and not to hold the thing against him/her, but still feel very awkward talking to the person. it has happened to me, and i wondered why.

then i realised that the person never apologised to me... without a frank admission of the problem at hand, there can be no resolution, and no mending.

its abit like how God has forgiven us all our sins - the forgiveness is freely given. but we can have no relationship with God until we confess the sins before Him and make ourself right with Him again.

similarly, there are times that although i have forgiven the person, i still feel very uncomfortable associating with that person... and sometimes i wonder if i have truly forgiven the person in my heart, and i begin to doubt myself again... but the truth is that the relationship is strained because the other person has not made peace with me... and the tension can be felt on both sides.

a gem of truth (i think), that jumped me today while i was showering.

freedom is good for the complexion

and before people start asking me funny questions - the title is nonsense. just for fun, yah? =)

such a strange contradiction; in all of my freedom, i am posting less? well, it's hard to justify, seeing as my posting is so wonderfully inconsistent. if you can find a pattern in the frequency, congratulations and don't tell me about it.

the question on everybody's lips now is, so what are you going to do with your free time? it comes in several guises, starting from the open-ended "So you've got a lot of free time now lah" to the somewhat more direct "So are you looking for a job?"

and everywhere i turn i sense a small amount of disapproval that the answer to the latter question is no. maybe i'm paranoid, i dunno. there's a pretty good chance that i'm imagining the disapproval coming from others, because within my own head, the accusing voice still lurks, telling me to "please go and do something with your life instead of wasting it away." it's a persistent voice.

and i guess i don't really know how true it is... but the important thing is that with what i'm doing now, i have peace within myself, and i'm usually happy. sometimes i believe the voice, and then it depresses me.

someone expressed the opinion that she'd go nuts from boredom if she had this kind of free time - i'm quite glad i'm not her, then. only one person (thanks melvin, but i don't think you read this) said that taking a break was a good idea... before school starts and i throw myself back into the grind for the rest of my life, yeah?

today, i totally rearranged my room, and cleaned up a whole bunch of things. the only thing which remained stationary was my heavily-overladen bookshelf, which i dare not move for fear of it falling on my head.

and my bed has shifted itself to the middle of the room. its a weird configuration, especially considering that my room is only three times the width of my bed, and one-and-a-half times the length. its like, the bed is in the middle, and everything else revolves around it. (seems to reflect the life i'm living now pretty well ;-).) so there's a narrow corridor on both sides, one of which is completely blocked by the desk which i shoved in there. and it gets weirder.

the desk, being in such a narrow location, has no room for an accompanying chair. inspired by my sis kat, i pushed the bed right up to the desk, so the bed functions as the seat. space saving.

and there's a little island of floor in the corner of the room, walled off by my desk and the bed, inaccessible by normal walking, which is there because of the power socket in that corner, which i cannot block off with the desk. there's a rolling shelf residing in that corner now.

the concept behind this room layout is basically this: i don't want to leave corners for dust bunnies to breed. i mean, seriously - in my room, dust bunnies breed like rabbits... i exterminated so many today that the hand-held vacuum seems to be clogged, and the SPCA will be after me soon.

and i have achieved mild success in figuring out where things should go... in assigning specific locations for specific types of items, so that more things have a proper place now. the problem that perenially plagues me is that i don't know where things should go... so they end up clogging up any available space. insufficient shelf space is blamed for this. but since i cleared out the army stuff, and probably will throw away another bunch of stuff tomorrow, hopefully this problem will be resolved. i also intend to invest one of those cupboard things for papers and stuff in anticipation of school upcoming.

i also designated a "dumping ground" right next to the door, in the hopes of isolating the mess to that region. or so i hope.

so that was today. i'm quite happy. i'd like to emphasise again the importance of having good music to accompany boring work - today, it's the "Shrek" soundtrack!! yeah!! credit also to "Petra Praise 2", which does a really cool rock twist to some familiar praise songs... v.cool.

freedom rant

on monday begins approximately 4 and a half months of freedom.


things i hope to accomplish in that time:

1. neaten up room, specifically the stuff all over the shelves. figure out how to stop dust accumulating over the top of everything. figure out how to have a proper place for everything when i have so little shelf space. start keeping personal documents a little more organised.

2. make a habit of doing housework. its as good a time to start as any, hopefully teach me a little discipline.

3. keep away the army stuff. get rid of the trash, pack up the useful stuff nicely, and hide it in some deep, dark corner of the storeroom.

4. read some of the good books which have been collecting dust on my shelves. read a little bit everyday. perhaps listen to some of the tapes my sis has been putting into the comp... v. good stuff there from her bible school

5. exercise? a little bit of running, perhaps. abit of static.

6. almost forgot!! learn to cook. i need a book of local recipes... =) start with the stuff my dad whips up on a regular basis, and progress from there.


i've decided that morning is really the best time to get these things done. the afternoons are too hot to do very much. i've decided to use the air-conditioning a little more liberally when i'm at home in the afternoons, if only to improve my mood. and probably go out at nights. little / no intent of getting a job, might start tuition again if i can be bothered to go revise my JC stuff.... still procrastinating over driving... sigh. don't ever mention driving to me, it makes me grumpy for some reason. let me go do all my other happy things, and then i'll worry about it.

Wild At Heart

this book i'm reading has this to say...

"(take) a moment and consider what you would think of yourself if tomorrow you lost everything that the world has rewarded you for..."


this is a profound question. when we've lost everything, do we still know who we are? are we still secure in the knowledge of who we are, the truth that we are co-heirs, beloved, victors....


all of my life i've had a self-image problem. if you had asked me in secondary school if i was geeky/nerdy, i would have told you yes without hesitation, and its not something i was proud of. the image has changed for the better, somewhat.... i think of myself as a fairly smart, nice guy with some self-discipline problems....

so we apply what the book says, and take away everything that the world has ever rewarded me for. and i become a guy.... with some self-discipline problems.

and then i suddenly feel like i'm a weakling... with no redeeming quality whatsoever. someone who is merely using oxygen here on earth, and of no help to anyone at all.....

i wonder if its a coincidence that i was led to read Job recently....


from what i have just written, i see that there is an issue... that to a certain extent, i'm deriving my self-worth from my talents, my intelligence... now that i've identified it, the feeling fades....

and i take heart from the knowledge that i have some idea of where i'm going in this life... knowing what i want to do when i grow up... knowing and believing that God has given me specific instructions about some things which i am taking up (start army cell)... that i have a purpose, and because i have a purpose, therefore my life has meaning, my life has worth............ that i am valued enough to be entrusted with an important part of God's plan in my church...

i don't quite know if that's the right attitude to have.... i thought that ideally self-worth should be intrinsic, something which can never be taken away from you regardless of what you think your talents or your purposes are in life.... could you live with yourself if you lost all your talents and abilities... and could you live with yourself if you felt that there was no goal to strive towards, no battle to fight, no adventure to win....



seems to synergize quite nicely with my previous post.... i sense pattern.....

the only reason i'm alive

just gonna share something one of the men at my church shared on sunday.... something he says was only really driven home to him after the death of another of our church members, Dr Alex Chao.

"... that the only reason Tan Bee Yit (himself) is alive today... is because God still has a plan for me..."

that if God had no plan for you on this earth as of this moment, then you would surely be dead.



just a thought for any aimless souls out there.

maintenance

i updated the links a little... the links basically reflect sites which i try to visit quite regularly.... here are some excerpts from boon

The awareness of sin used to be our shadow. Christians hated sin, feared it, fled from it, grieved over it. Some of our grandparents agonized over their sins. A man who lost his temper might wonder whether he could still go to Holy Communion. A woman who for years envied her more attractive and intelligent sister might worry that this sin threatened her very salvation... In today's group confessionals it is harder to tell. The newer language of Zion fudges: "Let us confess our problem with human relational adjustment dynamics, and especially our feebleness in networking." Or, "I'd just like to share that we just need to target holiness as a growth area." Where sin is concerned, people just mumble now."Cornelius Platinga, Not The Way It's Supposed To Be


also see - http://www.yellowbridge.com/humor/chineseIf.html

Anger Management

listening: I will go sailing no more [Toy Story]

all the things I thought I'd be,

all the brave things i'd done

vanished like a snowflake,

with the rising of the sun

never more to sail my ship,

where no man has gone before

and I will go sailing no more

i need anger management. i have gotten more angry than i've ever been before, just this past saturday. the back of my neck felt like it had fire running down it, my skin felt like i had a sunburn, and i was probably red all over, though i had no mirror to check. but let us begin at the beginning.

i have an imagination that likes to run off with itself. i feel that this is generally a bad thing. i waste much time daydreaming. recurrent fantasies include taking part in Singapore Idol (often, esp when i'm showering) and playing soccer (when walking, usually).

one more fantasy that occupies my head sometimes is what i would do if someone suddenly snatched my mum's handbag and ran off. or if someone managed to break into my house with malicious intent. and when i think about these things, i feel my heart start to race... i feel my blood begin to boil... i suddenly feel like hitting someone... then i remind myself that its only my imagination, then i calm down again.

anyway, the above-mentioned scenarios in my imagination usually end up with me doing extremely violent things to the thief's neck / spine, while shouting loud and threatening words, or in the second scenario, me getting the chopper from the kitchen and threatening violence upon the intruder.

like isaac says, so young, so violent. sigh...

i had noticed my violent reactions, and had been mildly disconcerted by it... i haven't had much of an ager problem since sec2 thereabouts. then on saturday the world exploded.

i guess it started on friday night. i had planned for myself a lovely, relaxed saturday morning, where i could bum around, be with myself, and do nothing important at all. was thinking about joining the church people for a game of DotA or two, both on friday night and saturday morning. then something came up, and my plans were reduced to... well, just that. plans. they were run through a shredder, and there was nothing of any significance left.

being conscientious, i went to bed early on friday. woke early on saturday. half-past six early. all was fine and dandy till about noon-ish.... ACJC FunORama.

i was somewhat aghast at the rate money was disappearing from my pocket... this did not help my mood. i was dehydrated, since no one actually seemed to be selling water. the weather was scorching. i was grouchy. those who know me know that i abhor crowds, and FunORama is not the place to be if you don't like crowds. between all of that, i was in a mood to maim. it had gotten to the point that if people were in my way, my instinct was to elbow, rather than to dodge. it was that bad.

come about 1-plus, i couldn't take it anymore. i went running. in a polo T-shirt and sandals, with AC merchandise tucked under my armpit. running from the crowds, running from my troubles.... running when dehydrated. my imagination imagined me collapsing on some ulu road somewhere from dehydration and heat stroke.

anyway, i ended up somewhere amongst the HDB blocks behind holland V... napped on a bench under a cool pavilion, rested, alone, just about long enough to go face the world again for awhile. and that was the end of that. or so i thought.

i arranged with a bunch of church guys to watch soccer at Hawker Way at night. seeing as i had time to spare, i decided to go early to try and get a good seat... was there half an hour before the match. it was tough getting a seat... the men with beer mugs in hand were very good at sitting down at tables even before the previous patron had left... but as the match was about to start, i managed to corner a small table for myself, a 4-seater for me and the 3 other guys who were coming. i was there two seconds when someone else sidled in beside me, with kopi and cigarettes.

"Excuse me sir, but i have some friends coming"

"Aiyah, they not here yet right? never mind lah, when they come then i go, for now just let me sit here ok?"

i took him at his word, although i was extremely doubtful of his word. it was in my mind that when the rest of the guys showed up, that sheer force of numbers would convince him to remove himself. for surely one person would never move him... the concept of inertia works on bums and seats as well.

so i sat in sullen silence, until Isaac came along, whereupon i loudly informed Isaac that the man next to me had promised to remove himself once my friends had come... standard psychological tactic, to get public opinion on your side before starting an argument. when Isaac went to see baout getting food, compassion spoke to me, an i said

"You should go find another seat before the rest of my friends come... by the time they all get here, it will be hard to find empty seats... you are just one guy, its easier for you to find a place than us"

"what, you think you own this table is it? does the seat have your name on it? who are you to go around RESERVING seats for your friends. i have as much right to be here as you do, and if your friends are late too bad for them. get them go find their own seats."

heated words followed. my skin burst into flames, and most likely i turned quite red. the imagination was picturing a shouting match, with me abusing him liberally with expletives, in the way that the heathen do, and perhaps blows exchanged, with me pouring his kopi over his head. i chose to ignore him, and found sanctuary in small talk with Isaac, who may have noticed that i was unusually talkative that night. thankfully Liverpool won - if they lost, i might have lost it as well.

i still get angry when i think about what happened. trying hard to forgive him, by the grace of God. how i choose to react to it has absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, and forgiveness is for my own good, not his.

but this anger thing is worrying me. even today, when some small things were not going my way, i felt the familiar sensation in me, and i chose to slap a wall hard with my palm. it is not good.

one thing i learned recently. that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and the powers and the rulers of this dark age. when people piss me off... i should not take it personally, nor should i hold it against that person, but i should be aware that the devil is baiting me, goading me on towards sin.

We wrestle not against flesh and blood
But we war against the powers of darkness
For we are mighty through God
By the blood of His Son
That has rendered the enemy powerless

We are pulling down every work of Satan
Pushing back every force of hell
Casting down the imaginations

That exalt themselves
We are tearing down every deed of darkness
Breaking up every evil plan

Casting out every demon spirit
By the blood of the Lamb

By the blood of the Lamb

the truth

when bad things happen, people ask why. how God could allow such things to happen. they cannot reconcile the concept of a loving God with the amount of suffering present in this world today. but we are taught that we live in a fallen world, one in which authority and power was given to Satan by the sin of Adam.


but whatever you believe, it seems that it is more important to know this: whatever the cause, the devil seeks to turn all situations for evil, and God wants to turn all situations around for good. (i think there's a verse to back this up, but i can't find it) We can choose which way we want these things to turn out.



Call upon the name of the Lord and be saved

i'd rather be a clerk in the house of my God than....

it stuck me as i was reading the Old Testament (Ezra, specifically, but there are many examples elsewhere) that the Jews were remarkably good administrators. This is witnessed by the long lists which they made present at various locations in the OT - things like the genealogies, and the complete lists of the people who went to this-and-this location or participated in this-and-this activity... they were meticulous record keepers. it seems that being a documentation clerk is a time-honoured job in the Jewish tradition, somehow. i think i feel honoured.

Several times, when the Jews went into captivity, you read of one of their administrative persons, walking with God, who rose to great power in the enemies kingdom, and gained favour with the king on behalf of Israel. Joseph in Egypt being the prime example. These men served faithfully under a hostile power, doing their jobs with all due diligence, or actually probably doing an outstanding job of it, and were rewarded, and gained favour for Israel through their actions.

and it occured to me that I should have done the same. I am in the employ of an organisation to which i hold no allegiance, a hostile power so to put it, and my service has not exactly been sterling of late. I was discouraged by the faithlessness of the people around me which seemed to go unpunished, but i think that these men of God, serving in a country not their own, must have surely faced the same problems, what with people plotting their downfall etc etc. and they persevered, and won through, and brought glory to God. Ezra records how King Darius of Persia ordered his treasurers to give the Israelites whatever!! they needed in the rebuilding of the temple and the offering of sacrifices.

so i guess what i should have done was pray against the unfair treatment. pray against the skivers. i think David prayed some rather horrible things to happen to his enemies (may his sons be fatherless kind of things), an i'm not sure if that's quite meant to be the right example to follow. but there's nothing wrong in praying for justice to be done, if i have been faithful in doing my work - after all, it is the prayer of a righteous man that avails much.

all in all, it seems rather late to realise this. 32 days left, of which 10 are weekend days, 2 will be given over to medical/dental appointments, and about 7 are leave. not much time left to "curry favour", but i guess it'll be good practice for the future.



"as if you were serving the Lord, not men." Eph 6:7