Beloved

STP

2009-07-22T00:21:00.003+08:00

Summer Training Programme has been good to me. It seems like everytime I appear, I somehow find something to take away, even if I'm in no mood to listen or receive.

Today's speaker was encouraging us, amongst other things, to make the Bible applicable to our daily lives. To consider issues that we are facing, ask ourselves, "What does the Bible say about that?", and then to go and look it up paryerfully. Then the Bible verses become relevant to your situation, and easier to remember too. It seems to make much more sense to me than trying to follow the arbitrary arrangement of the books in the Bible. Perhaps I will try this tomorrow.

two.

2009-07-15T15:06:00.002+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine one year my senior had a big crash while riding his bike on Ubin. Two days after the crash, his wrist and lower arm had swelled up pretty badly, so he went to the hospital to get it checked out. It was x-rayed for suspected fracture, and put in a cast as a precautionary measure.

Two days after that, they discovered that flesh-eating bacteria had gotten into his bloodstream. Initial reports from the hospital put the mortality rate at 50%.

After much prayer, and some 3 or 4 operations later, he's out of danger. Every op, they slice open his arm from fingertip to elbow to clean out the wound, before shutting the wound with staples. He's got about 50 staples in his hand at the moment, and will probably be scarred for life, but he's alive. He's got another op scheduled for friday.

I was visiting him today, when another friend of ours popped by to visit. She had just gone for a dental appointment in the hospital that morning, and while taking an X-ray to check for cavities, discovered a large tumour in her jaw. I think she's 21 this year. As of this moment, she's at NDC undergoing further X-rays, and she's got an op scheduled for friday afternoon.

I was sitting outside his ward with his girlfriend, ruminating over these events. It was shocking enough to be reminded of our own mortality hardly two weeks ago. Did we need another reminder so soon? Will our prayers be answered once again?

As we were sitting outside the ward thinking about these things, I saw a juvenile woodpecker investigating the tree outside the window, and a strange lizard making displays with a flap of skin below its jaw. It was nice.

"Make it your goal..."

2009-07-14T10:35:00.002+08:00

"Make it your goal to read through the entire Bible..."

Something I heard someone share yesterday which got me thinking.

Somehow, taking this kind of a focused attitude towards bible-reading has never crossed my mind before. I've had some good experiences with goal-setting this break, so I'm thinking about using that on my christian education too...

2009-06-29T13:49:00.001+08:00

A Haiku

dad broke vase on floor
swept up pieces with old broom
ben get cut on foot

2009-06-27T20:27:00.004+08:00

Been watching Michael Jackson videos on Youtube. Amazing singer, amazing dancer. I'm quite tempted to pick up one of his albums now, actually. I kinda regret that I never got to see him live in concert.
you've always told me that you support me unconditionally. i'm learning to interpret that as love.

Dead and alive.

2009-06-23T13:46:00.002+08:00

Jerry Bridges writes about how Christ's death on the cross achieves for us two distinct purposes - firstly, payment of the penalty for our sin, and secondly, freedom from the dominion of sin. The wages of sin is death, after all, but it is only through death that we can be released from the kingdom of sin in which we once lived, freeing us once and for all from the rules and attitudes of that kingdom, allowing us to live a new life in the kingdom of God.

He tells the story of a Russian air force pilot who, during the height of the Cold War, flew his aircraft to an American airbase in Japan and sought asylum. He was flown to the US, given American citizenship, and allowed to begin a new life in the United States. To quote liberally from the book,

"This former Russian pilot, however, was still the same person. He had the same personality, the same habits, and the same cultural patterns as he did before he flew out of Russia. But he did have a new identity and a new status."

"As a result of his new identity and status as a citizen in a free country, he now had the opportunity to grow as a free person, to discard the mind-set of someone living under bondage, and to put off the habit patterns of a person living under the heel of a despotic regime."

And so it is with us. We live in a new country now. We have died to sin - it is a fact, a done deal so to speak - and we are no longer driven by the old urges and temptations. We are also alive to God, fully responsive to His voice and eagerly yearning to walk in His will, for Christ dwells in us and we in him. We still have to get round the old habits of the old regime, but that doesn't change the fact that we ARE in a new kingdom.

When we die, we go to heaven where we will fellowship with God forever. But in one sense, we have already died, and are already enjoying fellowship with God in the midst of this garden that He created for us.

Amen.

Rom 6:11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

2009-06-21T12:11:00.003+08:00

a friend of mine recently called me an approval-whore. :)

------------------------------------------------
Reading: The Discipline of Grace, by Jerry Bridges.

There's a chapter called "Preach the Gospel to yourself". It talks about how many believers have only a rudimentary understanding of the good news of Jesus Christ - sufficient to get them into the church, whereupon they begin an endless series of discipleship courses and stuff like that. He says that there is a general fallacy within the church that the gospel is meant to be preached to unbelievers, not believers. After all, the believers have heard it all already, right?

It's kinda similar to a previous complaint I had about how we preach good news to unbelievers, but fail to make known to them the depth of commitment and change that comes with a life in Christ. Here the situation is reversed, somewhat, whereby we emphasise discipleship and the disciplines of faith to the body of believers, but fail to remind them of the gospel by which they came to know God.

But the author encourages us to remind ourselves daily of the good news of Christ - that though we are by very nature incorrigibly sinful, Christ has fully paid the price of our sins, so that we are not merely pardoned, but justified before God. This is the full gospel of Jesus, which will keep us from regarding our "godliness" with pride, yet also keeps us from despairing of our sinfulness.

To quote, "we must measure ourselves against God's perfect standard and daily confess that we have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

This seems very hard to me. We love to think of ourselves as "doing alright", but alright isn't good enough. It seems that this author is calling us daily to tear down whatever self-esteem we may have, pulling it into rubble, and remembering that our worth, value, and righteousness is found in Jesus. Then we may relate rightly with God and each other...

2009-06-16T14:08:00.002+08:00

I think I'm learning more and more that people have rounded characters. That although they cause me offence on one hand, and do things which seem to me to completely undermine any moral authority they might have, this does not detract from their other strengths, and the other ways in which they continue to bless me. I think I can live with that.

------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine was lamenting how often it seems that Christians (the nominal ones, usually) seem to behave even worse than non-Christians. It occurred to me, mainly because this reflects my own experience, that it is very easy for Christians to apply our faith as a bandage - superficially covering our woundedness, while hoping that our own body can heal itself. While it is true that sometimes we must 'claim it by faith', and 'speak the truth into being', sometimes there are core issues that we simply have to deal with. Like what Jesus said, "This kind can only come out by prayer." One cannot simply believe that being a baptised Christian and doing all the Christian-like things will lead to life change, as I used to.

Even for those who are familiar with the weapons of faith, we cannot exercise faith over our problems if we have not truly identified out problems, we cannot speak deliverance over our issues if we cannot specifically identify the issue at hand. God will not deliver us when we have not accurately identified our problem, because then we will not have a full appreciation of our fallenness, nor can we give God the glory due Him for His deliverance.

This then is the problem that many face. We attempt to cure the problem without first diagnosing it, or perhaps without going in deep to see the full extent of it. This takes much reflection, time spent in the quiet, and prayer. I am reminded of how the Word of God is likened unto a mirror, in which we can see ourselves more clearly.

Asleep in the light

2009-06-07T14:29:00.002+08:00

Do you see, do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care, don't you care
Are you gonna let them drown

How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done

"Oh bless me Lord, bless me Lord"
You know it's all I ever hear
No one aches, no one hurts
No one even sheds one tear

But He cries, He weeps, He bleeds
And He cares for your needs
And you just lay back
And keep soaking it in,
Oh, can't you see it's such a sin?

Cause He brings people to you door,
And you turn them away
As you smile and say,
"God bless you, be at peace"
And all heaven just weeps
Cause Jesus came to your door
You've left him out on the streets

Open up open up
And give yourself away
You see the need, you hear the cries
So how can you delay

God's calling and you're the one
But like Jonah you run
He's told you to speak
But you keep holding it in,
Oh can't you see it's such a sin?

The world is sleeping in the dark
That the church just can't fight
Cause it's asleep in the light
How can you be so dead
When you've been so well fed
Jesus rose from the grave
And you, you can't even get out of bed

Oh, Jesus rose from the dead
Come on, get out of your bed

How can you be so numb
Not to care if they come
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done
You close your eyes
And pretend the job's done

Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the jobs done
Come away, come away, come away with Me my love,
Come away, from this mess, come away with Me, my love.

As referenced today by Cadet Kevin during the sermon.

I wish he had talked abit more about the mechanics of disciple-making. About the how, and the technique, about picking disciples and picking disciplers, about building relationships, picking topics.

I am reminded of something I read in the book I'm reading at the moment ("Marriage takes more than love", Jack and Carole Mayhall), talking about 5 different levels of conversation. Conversational cliches. Factual Observations. Ideas and Opinions. Feelings. Connection. They were talking about marriage, but it applies just as well in any other relationship - the relationship doesn't really begin until at least level 3, and preferably level 4.

And then I'm reminded of the Johari Window, which I've heard about from two different sources, whereby one's self-knowledge can only be increased through self-revelation, as well as receiving input from others. Both are necessary to fully understand yourself even, and such conversations should probably be functioning at level 4 and up.

Without these, there is no real growth, and there can be no real freedom.

2009-06-05T19:23:00.002+08:00

Just came back from a funeral service. Wept considerably more than I expected to. Not for the dearly departed, whom I did not know well, but rather for those left behind, and for the huge hole now left in their lives.

By all accounts, she was a godly woman, who loved unconditionally. That makes the hole bigger.

2009-06-02T21:55:00.003+08:00

What then does it mean to walk by faith? It means to choose to see everything from the perspective which God has presented to us in the Bible. Even if it involves blatant rationalisation. Even if it seems self-contradictory.

Religion accepts and celebrates the fact that we blatantly rationalise all things to fit our world-view. But if scientists do that, they have no excuse.

This was presented in the context of having died to the law - being thus crucified with Christ, and therefore set free of the law. So in all things we remember, believe, and act in the knowledge that the law no longer has power over us, but love must motivate us.

A tip of the hat...

2009-05-29T13:07:00.002+08:00

... for those who raised their CAP. :)

My CAP went up by 0.01! woohoo!

Salvo Audio

2009-05-26T22:20:00.001+08:00

Someone has been putting Army songs online!!!

http://www.salvoaudio.com/

Band songs, Songsters, recordings from the congregation, sermons even. Super! I like.

2009-05-25T15:36:00.002+08:00

If I could give one piece of advice to young brides, and only one, it would be this: study your man. Study him as if he were some rare and strange and fascinating animal, which he is. Study his likes and dislikes, his strengths and weaknesses, his moods and mannerisms. Just loving a man is fine, but it's not enough. To live with one successfully you have to know him, and to know him, you have to study him.

Look around you and decide how many of the best marriages you know are ones where a wife in a deep sense actually knows her husband better than he knows himself. Knows what pleases him. Knows what upsets him. Knows what makes him laugh or makes him angry. Knows when he needs encouragement. Knows when he's too charged up about something and needs to be held back. Knows, in other words, exactly what makes him tick.

- Mrs. Norman Vincent Peale, The Adventure of Being a Wife
(Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice Hall, Inc., 1971) pg 29.

Think it probably applies both ways. But I like the use of language here.

dad time

2009-05-25T12:54:00.002+08:00

spending time at home means hanging out with dad more, which is nice.

went to get the car inspected today prior to renewing insurance and road tax. got the car washed along the way. spent time talking about the economics of selling free-car-wash coupons in stacks of 100 only. inspection centre was darned cool lah. all kinds of automated machines designed to test the functionality of the car, and lighted sign-boards indicating pass-fail. so government.

and a few days back we had an excursion to kranji to pick up a manual juicer. dad's been grinding wheatgrass juice for home consumption... tastes pretty good actually. :) although i'm fairly cynical about the purported health benefits....

Perfection

2009-05-18T10:17:00.006+08:00

Our duty is to be more ourselves, not less - Thomas Merton

This phrase accurately sums up something that I've had to learn in order to accept myself better.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
I am an introvert. This used to bother me, and it still does sometimes. It seemed to me that extroverts got so much more out of life - more friends, more experiences, more highs, more lows. I longed for some of those things too, but found that I simply did not have the emotional energy to keep up with that lifestyle. Hang out with me for two hours, and you will find that my conversation eventually fades away, and I begin to zone out.

Through articles such as the one listed above, through much affirmation from Jill and other friends, through the Bible, I have begun to understand and accept that I am as deeply valued as all the people whom I used to envy. The envy of others stems from the fallacy that there is somehow a perfection that we can each strive to - that there is a state which is superior to all others, which we must achieve to obtain happiness.

There is some element of truth in this, but not in the way that we expect. The Bible, talking about the body of Christ, speaks plainly about the variety that God has imparted into His people, and make it clear that this is part of the plan. As the body of Christ, we are called to move towards perfection as a body, not as individuals, leaving room for the infinite variety of ways in which God has created us. I begin to realise that God is an artist, and that one design cannot adequately express perfection, because each design is different and beautiful in its own way.

Would the perfect body be characterised by having no disagreements whatsoever? I am not sure. Perhaps the perfect body is simply characterised by the ability to settle disagreements in an amicable way.
--------------------------------------------------------
I don't take teasing well. I don't agree with casual flirting, and I hate bargaining and haggling over prices, even when it's considered part of the culture. But I'm learning.

I'm learning that these things should not be taken seriously, which is tough because I take everything seriously. I've begun to realise that all these things are games of a sort, games that people play with each other in full recognition that the words being bandied about are not being said in earnest. The trick now is to transfer this mental understanding into my instinctive reactions.

Reflections

2009-05-12T11:57:00.002+08:00

It was a good retreat. My term is just about over, my involvement will scale down to nearly nothing. It was a strange and difficult year. The new team made decisions that were exactly opposite to mine, yet I feel that both decisions were correct. Perhaps it was one of those situations that God gives us sometimes whereby either choice will do. It was for me a time of fixing relationships, of closing the ledger of accounts on an old year, with hopefully no outstanding debts to carry over into the new.

During one of the devotions, I came across an old highlighted verse in my Bible. Isaiah 55:5 says, "Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor." I am amazed at how God has done this for me. I had initially wanted to turn down the exco role to concentrate on this very thing, yet God himself has done it for me, so that I may not boast.

Now I step down into my personal rest. My personal disciplines had melted to nothing this past year, and I must find them again. I am glad that you have shared with me deeply, and accepted what advice I could impart, but all the relationship in the world will have no value if God does not do His redeeming work through that love, and for this, I must pray. I pray that God will give you a new heart, and put a new spirit in you; that He will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh; that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul as well as strength.

Two stones...

2009-05-07T14:27:00.003+08:00

A man should keep two stones with him at all times. On one should be inscribed, "I am but dust and ashes." On the other, "For me, the world was created." He should use each as appropriate.

Knowing. Understanding. Grasping. Comprehending. Not the point. Not relevant.

Transformation. Purification. Sanctification. Abasement. Worship. Mystery.

iRead

2009-05-04T13:39:00.003+08:00

Reading Programme: Book 1

Reaching for the Invisible God - Philip Yancey

I've been wanting to read this book for a long time, to see how others have coped with the doubts I struggle with.

I'm a guy who likes things black and white, and when I was young, I liked that about my faith. This is true, that is false, this is how the world works. I liked that about Physics too, which is why I'm studying Physics at NUS now. But as I grow older, the old certainty has been replaced by disconcerting thoughts about the way things are being done in some churches, and I have been struggling for the longest time to find out what exactly being a Christian means for me and the way I live my life. Physics has similarly betrayed me, as I have discovered that it's all very fuzzy at it's core. It's kinda funny, I guess, how my path in these two areas mirror each other.

As a science student, there was something I didn't like about the theology which I was learning, which was that it simply wasn't contradictable. If something good happens, you thank God. If something bad happens, you say that God is refining you. If you pray for something and it comes true, you thank God for answered prayer. If you pray for something and it doesn't happen, you say that perhaps it was not God's will. Under no circumstances can anything ever disprove God, because everything can be interpreted away accordingly. My logical mind was unhappy with that, because it sounded like a desperate delusion. Is God a testable hypothesis?

I am pleased that Yancey has included similar thoughts in his book. He tells the story of a man who steps off a curb and narrowly misses getting run down by a car. People praise God, saying that God was looking after him. The same man steps off the same curb a week later and gets run over, suffering serious injury. He spends months in hospital recovering, while people thank God for allowing him to live. A week after getting out of hospital, he steps off the same curb, gets run over, and dies. At his funeral, the pastor speaks on how God saw fit to call this man home.

The first day of the next three months...

2009-05-03T13:50:00.002+08:00

Sermon today about families. I think it was relevant. My take-home was the last bit about grace and forgiveness.

My papers are over. I am thankful. They went somewhat well. I think I put in less effort this sem than I normally do. Was remarkably unmotivated. But I picked modules I had aptitude for, so that compensated.

Priorities for the next 3 months:
1) Develop support network.
2) Commence reading programme.
3) Exercise.
4) Learn to cook?
5) Resolve forgiveness issue.

I know I shouldn't dwell on the offence. I am definitely not supposed to keep a record of it. Yet when people talk about forgiveness, they always mention the need to be specific about the offence, which requires defining it. I guess I should get round to writing it out, and then throwing it away when I'm done with it. But I generally prefer typing.

board games

2009-04-24T21:43:00.002+08:00

stumbled onto a board games blog. gonna list a few here that sound interesting.

Wings of War.
Ave Caesar.
Nexus Ops.

I'm a big fan of games which portray their various settings well. Good gameplay is one thing, but I'd like an immersive experience to boot. That's why I'm hooked on Twilight Imperium 3 - galactic colonization, empires battling it out, and cool plastic miniatures that look plenty menacing by themselves. The different races add so much colour to the game. I just wish it didn't take 5 people 8 hours to play.

Did I mention I played it earlier this week. 8 hours at a table, and not once did anyone get up to use the toilet, get a snack, or even get water. That's 8 straight hours around someone's dining table, and I was super-adrenaline-rush at the end of it.

My holidays are coming, but the guy who borrows the game for us is off to UK again. dangsit!!

again.

2009-04-21T21:57:00.002+08:00

i am continually disappointed by my groupmates in every group project i do.

it was nice of you to offer to compile, but i noticed about 50 words misspelled. "dimer" is obviously not "dimmer", and considering that it's practically the main keyword of the entire project, and that we spent several lectures talking about it in class, i'd really expect you to be able to spell it. you're canadian, you're supposed to be smarter than the americans! and i noticed you didn't correct a single word written by the French guy, whose grammar and vocabulary is understandably poor. i mean, seriously, what?

i know that the Thai guy just isn't very good with his english, so i don't expect too much out of him, but i expected far better from you. really. and to think you offered to work 48 hours straight if need be. guess words don't mean much to you, huh?

as usual, i end up writing about half the report, and editing the other half too. and it's a 4-member team. whatever. i deliberately decided not to be selective about groupmates, 'cos i think that's just mean, so i guess this is what i get landed with. for what it's worth, i enjoyed the project, 'cos i think it'll be really good practice for thesis writing, but...

i wanted to write quite abit about Sunday's sermon, 'cos i thought it was the most interesting i've heard in awhile, but not really in the mood now.

on another note, i played a massive 5-player, 8-hour game of TI yesterday. woohoo! again!

Cats

2009-04-17T00:57:00.002+08:00

just watched Cats. Tickets cost a small fortune, we were about 5 rows from the front on an aisle.

It was incredible. Amazing. Superb. A few highlights:

The actors really got into their roles. Part of the intro sequence involved some cats jumping up onto a wall (it was a high wall!) separating the stalls from the 1st circle, and reclining there in the spotlight. When the actors returned after the intermission, they did so through the audience, playfully tugging at loose bag straps along the way, and sticking their noses in between the seats. Two of them somehow got hold of someone's shoe, and sat in the middle of the aisle swatting the shoe at each other.

The final reprise of memory sent shivers down my spine all the way to my knees. Never felt that before. Teared abit too. Very powerful performance.

The show had more energy than a barrel full of duracell bunnies.

ieatishootievangelise

2009-04-05T17:54:00.002+08:00

i'm very impressed with the guy at ieatishootipost.sg. after making his reputation as a local food expert, he's talking Christianity to his audience. he's had a Bible-Verse-of-the-Day at the bottom of his blog since forever, but this Good Friday he's issued an open invite to an evangelistic event.

respect.

on a separate note, my friend showed me an advertisement for a temp job that pays $250 a day. i so want that as a holiday job!! but it's only open to grads - teaching assistant at Republic Poly. i hear they don't even do much teaching there... mostly facilitating-style stuff, which i prefer anyway.

2009-03-30T21:33:00.002+08:00

if the word of truth alone was enough, then there would have been no need for Jesus to give us the Spirit of Truth.

think about it.

Prince of Egypt

2009-03-24T21:01:00.002+08:00

Listening to the songs again on YouTube. Really amazing stuff... The songs add so much to the story, and I really love the way the choir was used for effect, especially in the opening sequence, and in "The Plagues".

My dream job would be to sing in the choir for all these movies.

It's amazing how they use the reprise of the song, change the style dramatically, and use that to highlight how the relationship has changed completely.

"All I Ever Wanted (with Queen's Reprise)"
Music and Lyrics by Stephen Schwartz
Produced by Hans Zimmer and Harry Gregson-Williams
Performed by Amick Byram and Linda Shayne (as Linda Dee Shayne)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N385lrzY9gk&feature=related

Lyrics: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/princeofegypt/allieverwanted.htm

"The Plagues"
Music and Lyrics by Stephen Schwartz
Produced by Gavin Greenaway
Performed by Ralph Fiennes and Amick Byram

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZTjECQG7bA&feature=related#

Lyrics: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/princeofegypt/theplagues.htm

2009-03-24T08:08:00.001+08:00

i think i have a deep-seated distrust of authority.

rest

2009-03-22T15:51:00.002+08:00

the sermon today was on the christian disciplines. in summary: word, prayer, worship, service, fellowship, evangelism. i figure i've got most of that going in one form or other, except the last one. fellowship isn't particularly strong, but i'm working on that this year.

an old dilemma reared it's head again during the sermon though. the pastor was talking about the importance of discipline, carrying our cross, beating our bodies etc etc. it's easy to be captured by inspiring speakers, and push ourselves to higher standards, only to fall away shortly thereafter. it's all very well for paul to talk about working day and night so as not to burden others, but i'm not really motivated enough to do that.

i've been doing abit of a bible study on work issues, and it seems that many of the NT commandments telling us to work hard are given in the context of lazy people who depend on the church for handouts. does that mean that as long as i have enough money for myself, i'm working hard enough? what about doing all things as for the Lord? the gung-ho implications of that particular verse seems to leave no room for rest, no room for leisure, no room for hobbies. yet that is a formula for burnout. plus you might become extremely boring to hang out with.

i was convinced that my main goal this year was to learn how to rest properly. to truly rest, and not merely while away my time on frivolous pursuits, and through resting properly to give myself fully to things which i commit myself to, instead of merely turning up and serving in a perfunctory manner. i've actually been getting into the word abit more, and praying abit more, and enjoying them both more than i have in awhile. but simultaneously, my motivation and desire to study has plummeted. school deadlines mean little to me now, and tests hold little anxiety for me. there's very little which i'm actually putting effort into at the moment, which doesn't seem quite right to me... is this right?

on an unrelated note, i noticed that Jesus gave us the Spirit of Truth. Yet just because something is true doesn't mean that it is Truth. the way that some other people phrase this difference is by distinguishing physical and spiritual realities. when i was younger, and to a certain extent even now, i quested for what was true believing that it would set me free. what i didn't understand was that the Truth is not something perceived by the eyes or understood by the mind...

work!

2009-03-20T11:27:00.003+08:00

incompetent people piss me off SO badly...

how can you leave random commas in the middle of sentences? capitalise random letters in the middle of your sentence? did you even read through what you wrote after you wrote it? sare you not aware that abbreviations are inappropriate for a formal report? why is it that even though the lecturer has uploaded brilliant examples of formal reports, you are unable to follow the slightest bit, or even to look at them? why is it that when i hand you a printed copy of the report with errors circled in pencil, you still fail to amend them in the later draft? why is it that when i do up the formatting of the report nicely for you, you feel compelled to revert to an earlier copy of the draft to make your own amendments, happily leaving out everything i included? why do you then later complain that you have no time to format the report nicely? why is it that you use one title for the report on the cover sheet, and another title in the letter of transmittal?

i want to take my name off the report, that's how bad it is. i also don't want to ever see them again. unfortunately, neither of the above is an option.

2009-03-16T21:01:00.003+08:00

this blog is not frequently updated. many times i thought of things i might include here, but other things seemed to take priority. it seems pointless at times. what is my motivation for writing?

recently, i have been coming to the conclusion that many of the commandments given in the Bible are not imperatives per se, but more like warnings against acting to the contrary. when we were instructed to do everything as for the Lord, i strongly doubt that it literally meant everything, but more as a warning against treating our responsibilities lightly. after all, some things of necessity take precedence over others.

similarly, i have become very wary of attempting to draw biblical principles from single verses. the limitations of human communication are such that it is rare for a principle to be completely described in a single sitting. the example mentioned above will adequately illustrate this point as well. it seems to me that the safest thing we can draw from the Bible are general principles, each supported by a plethora of examples. This holds true, unless specifically inspired by the Holy Spirit otherwise.

if you have yet to notice, i have finished reading a story about two English majors (from England, no less!), whose relationship was defined by obscure words and quotations. it has affected my writing style. :D

Habits...

2009-03-06T13:31:00.002+08:00

There's a quote that I'm looking for, which I'm certain came from C.S. Lewis, but I cannot find it online.

It goes something like, "If only children realise that their entire adult life will consist of nothing but the habits they have learned, they would be more careful of what they do." That's the gist of it anyway, although I'm sure the original was phrased better.

The closest thing I've found online so far is this:

The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. ~Feodor Dostoevski

2009-02-19T00:31:00.002+08:00

Lord,

please help me to remember that regardless of how anointed and appointed a man may be, it is still You alone who brings deliverance and healing.
I believe You're my Healer
Heb 7:25 "Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them."
I believe You are all I need
Amen.

A thin line...

2009-02-17T12:50:00.002+08:00

I was watching this interesting video about procrastination...

and it got me thinking. the poor guy delays doing his work because there are so many other useful things he could be doing. cleaning his desk, buying his groceries, eating meals etc. on the other hand, a lazy guy, instead of doing work, lies back on his bed and watches the clouds go by. :)

when you put it that way, procrastination doesn't really seem like such a bad thing yeah?

2009-02-15T17:13:00.003+08:00

i have possibly been blessed with the easiest tuition job ever.

two hours a week. two kids, $20 per hour each, for a total of $80 per two-hour session. the kids are in sec3, which means no major exam to work towards this year. they're both in express stream, and are probably smart enough to do well on their own. in fact, they're in the top express class in their school, and the only reason they want tuition is because they feel that they're lagging behind in class abit.

it feels weird and somehow wrong that i can get that kind of money for so little effort. but i guess i should be thankful.

oh, and Pasta de Waraku serves some pretty good pasta.

imeeeem.

2009-02-05T22:15:00.001+08:00

i6uuaq has discovered imeem. woohoo! yet another way to waste time... i mean relax and destress. does anyone remember who All-Star United were?

stupid bureaucrats...

2009-02-04T17:12:00.003+08:00

i have been trying for over a week to borrow something from a school department, which would cost several hundred dollars to rent externally.

although the guy i spoke to initially was really nice and helpful, after he spoke with his superior, he came back and told me, "I don't think we'll be able to lend you the boards, because we may not have enough for our own use."

I asked him when he would know for certain, and he told me that his colleague would get back to me the next morning. I spent an anxious morning waiting, eventually calling the department in the late afternoon, only to find that not only was my contact on leave the entire week, but no one present knew anything about my request. wonderful.

so the next day, i personally went down to the department, intending to make abit of a commotion, and discover from a friendly admin person that my contact was due back in the office after lunch. okay... someone gave me wrong information.

so i go back again in the afternoon, and i find my contact back from lunch, and looking quite unhappy to see me. he is surprised that his colleague hasn't gotten back to me, ad tells me that he has no idea when his colleague will be around, and that he thinks she's on leave.

but the friendly admin person corrects him, and informs me that the colleague in question will return shortly. he asks me if i would like to call them back later, but i cannot wait, and so i request to wait in the department.

his colleague arrived shortly, and i spoke to her. this is what she said, in an apprehensive manner. "I don't think we can lend you the stuff, because our students might need to use it. Sometimes they last-minute need to use..."

sigh. reading between the lines and from her body language, she doesn't dare to lend me the stuff, for fear that she might get into trouble for it. but a friend of mine from the department assure me that there's usually alot of spares sitting around. and that if i had asked anyone else the department i probably would have gotten it.

so we're out about $400. it's too late to go back and request again, because i need it by the weekend.

it is so typically Singaporean! kia-see, basically. sigh... and that poor guy is just learning all these bad habits from that colleague. i feel like sending him an email to appeal to him not to be like that next time...

his disgrace...

2009-01-31T12:23:00.002+08:00

Matt was speaking yesterday. I was a little bored, so I was just reading random bits of the Bible near to the passage he was referring to. While doing so, I came across this interesting bit of Scripture...

"Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering." 1 Cor 11:14-15

haha. most of my friends have been telling me to cut my hair, but i far prefer this shaggy mop to the secondary-school-standard-style i had been sporting before. truth is, i have no idea what to do with my hair. i want it longish to hide the fact that my chin is more pointy than the Eiffel tower, but i don't know how to pull it off in a way that doesn't look girly. having no muscles doesn't help me here. people tell me i look like a girl, but i just laugh it off. :)

Jill asked me if God was saying something to me through that particular scripture. I don't really think so, but i'm usually quite blur in these matters, so i will wait for further corroboration. :) but it kinda relates to something i've been thinking hard about these past few weeks about the interpretation of scripture...

abit too lazy to go into details now, but what i've been telling people is this: The Bible is not a book of rules. It's a bunch of stories about people who were all trying their darnedest to follow God. So even when there are rules written in there, it doesn't necessarily apply today. But do look at why those rules were written in the first place. This is the logos word of God.

Occasionally, individual bits of Scripture may jump out at you, and may need to be taken literally. This is the rhema word of God, as described in Hebrews 4, where it says that the word of God is living and active. That's what Jill was referring to when she asked me about the hair...

One thing which helped me understand Scripture interpretation was the realisation that Jesus himself often contradicted OT scriptures. I think it's most apparent in Matthew 5, where Jesus repeatedly quotes OT scripture ("You have heard it has been said..."), and then makes his own statement about the topic ("But I tell you the truth..."). I wonder if I might have realised this earlier if I knew how to read Greek...

joking aside...

2009-01-27T22:12:00.003+08:00

i made this observation a week ago at a meeting.

"It's always the people who are the most ON FIRE that end up getting BURNT OUT."

and i received the groans that were due me. i, on the other hand, was trying hard to suppress hysterical laughter. sigh... but making lame jokes makes me happier for awhile.

as my cousin put it at dinner on the eve of CNY, "Lame jokes run in our family, except that they're lame, so they can't run." lalalalala.

i had a remarkably deep conversation with my cousin's fiance about ministry matters, even though it's only the second time i've ever met him. he's been working hard with church youth, and we talked about our frustrations and our hopes. it was refreshing to talk with someone who's gone through the same problems, and is further along the path that i'm walking on. i spoke to him again today at lunch, and his passion for the kingdom was clear to see. and next to him i was reminded of the many things i have yet to become. sin confounds me. fear dominates me. i grimace more than i smile nowadays.

i am tired, and have been unable to find rest. i've been sleeping day and night, yet i can hardly bring myself to do anything that resembles work. i have dropped many responsibilities, but there are still many on my plate. i eagerly anticipate the day when i will finally be free of them all.

one of the modules i am taking this semester is ES2007S, Professional Communication. Amongst other things, it is also teaching about emotional intelligence, defined as the identification and understanding of one's emotions, and the control and utilisation of said emotions in aid of one's goals. i don't think i will do very well here...

2009-01-24T20:29:00.001+08:00

first time playing soccer in yonks.

got a blister approximately an inch across. oozing everywhere. muscles aching too. but glad for it.

it's true. everybody's equal when playing social hall soccer.

zaftig

2009-01-22T16:27:00.000+08:00

i learned a new word today, from NGM.

zaftig

Main Entry:: zaf·tig
Pronunciation:: \ˈzäf-tig, ˈzȯf-\
Variant(s):: also zof·tig \ˈzȯf-\
Function:: adjective
Etymology:: Yiddish zaftik juicy, succulent, from zaft juice, sap, from Middle High German saf, saft, from Old High German saf — more at sap
Date:: circa 1936

of a woman : having a full rounded figure : pleasingly plump

I think this may be a useful word to know. :) Scrabble, anyone?

2009-01-22T14:31:00.002+08:00

In what is probably a new record, school has been on for less than two weeks, and I have already found myself tired and grouchy enough to skip a lecture (today, Solid State Physics II). I was outside the lecture venue, and then I walked back to my room to chill.

I've read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows more than twice over the last few days, and most of the climactic bits more than that. Since the climactic bits stretch out to well over a quarter of the book, that takes awhile. But it relaxes me.

As does this: http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/archives
It seems that Nat Geo magazine has put up all their issues from the past few years on their website, free to view. I spent an hour there last night, as well as two hours at http://comics.dp.cx/archive.html, which has years worth of archives of around a zillion comic strips.

The task before me at the moment appears impossible. But I suppose that's why people pray.

Long sideburns are biblical...

2009-01-21T11:55:00.003+08:00

I just received an email from a church elder exhorting us to read what Lev 19:28 has to say about tattoos, and encouraging us to forward it to our friends so that the Word of God may be relevant in our lives. Lev 19:28 - "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD."

Of course, Lev 19:27 says this - "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." I've seen an interesting book in some bookshops entitled "One year of living Biblically" - the guy ended up with a remarkably hirsute face.

I trust this reflects my opinions about tattoos.

This is one of my pet peeves.

not my people

2009-01-21T11:04:00.003+08:00

"I will call them 'my people' who are not my people; and I will call her 'my loved one' who is not my loved one," - Rom 9:25

I find it so amazing that God calls us what we are not, knowing that we will become what He has called us.

by faith, not by sight

2009-01-16T10:12:00.001+08:00

things are not progressing as quickly as i hoped they would.
solutions are not forthcoming.
but the God who fed the five thousand is strong.

something worse may happen

2009-01-09T10:36:00.002+08:00

John 5:14 surprised me today. "Your sins have been forgiven. Now go and sin no more, or something worse may happen to you" is the general idea of the verse, according to the few versions of the Bible I checked.

I guess it startled me, because the words sounded like abit of a threat. It reminds me of that picture of the bearded old man, standing on the clouds, wielding lightning bolts to toss down at people who displease him. The words seem imbued with the ideas of condemnation and judgment, which didn't seem right to me at first.

But a little further reflection reminded me that this was the pattern God showed the Israelites throughout much of their history, and that this is the basic pattern of the world - sin leads to destruction, be it in this life or the next. I guess that the same phrase could be spoken with much love and tenderness, and that it's only my preconceived cultural references which interprets it as threatening. That something worse may eventually happen to him is not the work of a vindictive deity, but a consequence of God standing by his own words and the system that he set up to redeem a pure people for himself.

I guess I got caught up in the worldly mindset of instinctively rejecting everything to do with the ideas of condemnation and judgment as ungodly. Just because we don't practice it doesn't mean we can't speak about it.

and here's to a happy new year...

2009-01-08T10:11:00.002+08:00

it's been a tough year, esp. this last couple of months. realising alot of things about myself, and the basic attitudes i take towards life which don't seem to be cutting it anymore. not really satisfied with any aspect of my life except my grades, which have never been my primary concern. i guess that i'm experiencing more of life and trying to come to grips with what is involved in living it, but it's not a particularly happy experience.

my primary attitude towards serving in church and ministry is heavily influenced by the idea of spiritual gifts. i'm drawn to this idea that if everyone simply does what they can with the gifts that they are given, the church would be a functioning place. some to be teachers, some to be evangelists etc. and somewhere along the line i got this idea that if i simply put my head down and did all the things i felt God had called me to do, then life would kinda fall into place for me, and i would find myself in the places that God had intended me to go into.

so i put my gifts to work in every area that i can, but somehow it doesn't seem to be working anymore.

it seemed great for awhile, as somehow doors opened before me, and i found myself in places i had never dreamed of going into, yet i'm entirely dissatisfied with them, to the point that i'm quite determined to pull out of everything this year. somehow i've been disappointed everywhere i go, and the cliched answers don't satisfy me. i liked the idea that certain actions led inexorably to certain results, even in this walk of faith, and that logic, sequence, and cause and effect still apply. be a man, do the right thing etc etc.

but maybe not. i'm reminded that i have been crucified with christ, and the life i now live in this body of mine i live by faith in the one who loves me. that it is faith that leads to salvation, not works. it seems like i took the 'obey' bit of 'trust and obey' and magnified it out of proportion to the 'trust' bit. but if real trust manifests itself in actions, then how does trusting and obedience differ in any way?

more to follow.

ety...

2008-12-02T14:02:00.001+08:00

if you consider the etymology of the word, you might come to the conclusion that disillusionment is actually a good thing. :)

temporal...

2008-12-02T00:04:00.003+08:00

i've never been one for gifts like soft toys. wasn't particularly fond of them, neither is my gf. the excuse was the impracticality. i try hard to be a practical person. i got an "A" for experimental physics. ;D

but i guess i realise that those gifts which i deride, which give pleasure for a short time before fading, are exactly like every other gift which we imagine to be more practical. from the perspective of eternity, a gift of a house or a car or a kidney is every bit as temporal as flowers and candy.

i guess we have to get round the idea that some gifts are intrinsically more valuable than others, just because they appear to last longer. or perhaps we just have to get used to the idea that some gifts are meant to be short-lived, or purely sentimental in nature, and accept those gifts for what they are, instead of mocking them for what they are not.

and then perhaps i'll be able to fully defeat the lie that says that some people are intrinsically more valuable than others, just because they appear more capable. to fully accept that different people have different gifts that bloom at different times, and accept them for who they are, instead of getting angry for what they are not.
has anyone realised how emo i've been these few months?

Newsweek Epic Fail

2008-11-27T15:44:00.002+08:00

someone made a small editing error in this article on newsweek

middle paragraph, first line, near the right side. i'll zoom in a little for you...

EPIC FAIL!! Pictures taken from http://www.newsweek.com/id/170965

oh yeah, and half my exams are over today. woo!

drool

2008-11-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

it is extremely rare that i see a product that gives me heart palpitations.

actually, this is the only time i ever recall it happening.
http://www.topgear.com/uk/videos/rule-brittania#/uk/videos-by-category?VideoCategory=Challenges&Page=9

60's era Jaguar Series 1, but with modernised insides. 50K UK Sterling before modding, and notwithstanding Singapore's atrocious taxes.

*drool*

Hello Moto....

2008-11-17T22:42:00.003+08:00

She loves me
She loves my eyes
She loves me
She loves my thighs
She loves me
She loves my lips
She loves me
She loves my hips

(he hasn't shaved in awhile either!)

if attacked by afore-mentioned nuts...

2008-11-17T15:07:00.002+08:00

some time ago i concluded that the best way to avoid a speeding car coming straight at you is to jump straight upwards and tuck your legs in.

this is assuming it's coming really fast at you, and you've only got about a quarter of a second to react. going left or right is a bad idea, because the car is probably going left or right too, so you've got a 50% chance of getting hit anyway.

besides, it takes longer to dive off to one side, because the act of diving leaves your legs in the way of the onrushing vehicle. conversely, jumping straight up and tucking your legs in takes half the time. you'll get hit by the sloped windshield instead of the flat bumper, and will hopefully end up rolling over the roof instead of getting flung through the air.

and if you're feeling particularly kung-fuey, you can try kicking off the hood of the car as it reaches you, executing a forward flip mid-air as the car barrels underneath, and landing gracefully on the ground as the car morphs into a flaming fireball behind you. signing your hollywood contract should take place within a day or two.

i only mention this now, because it seems that Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear implied something very similar when describing the latest lamborghini on Top Gear Season 12 Episode 1. i love it when my ideas get independent corroboration. :)

remembering the driving

2008-11-17T10:05:00.003+08:00

someone has finally started driving lessons.

i remember when i finally started driving lessons. it was one of the biggest challenges i had ever faced, in terms of personal struggle. i was scared of driving. my naturally cautious nature reeled at the idea of putting my life in the hand of random road users - my experience of a car accident that was not my dad's fault in any way merely amplified that. the logic was simple: there are nuts on the road, and there's not much you can do about it.

besides, i have remarkably little faith in my hand-eye coordination.

i literally quaked with fear everytime i walked that covered passageway from the train station to the driving centre. that path has been hallowed with much prayer. my driving instructor was quite amused at the way my knees shook. it's quite difficult to maintain half-clutch when your knee is shuddering.

on April 9th this year, by the grace of God, and also by the skin of my teeth, i passed my driving test. an exact borderline passing mark, and my tester conveniently ignored an "automatic failure" infringement. the date is seared into memory.
i want to be able to point out your faults knowing that you're strong enough to take it
i still don't like driving. but it's ok now.

study plan

2008-11-12T14:45:00.002+08:00

ok, study plan.

today till next monday - chiong semiconductor physics, and glance at google earth module along the way. from next tuesday till following wednesday, chiong solid state physics, and glance at religion module along the way.

27th Thu 9.00am: Intro to World Religions
27th Thu 1.00pm: Solid State Physics
29th Sat 9.00am: Semiconductor Processing
1st Mon 9.00am: Remote Sensing for Earth Observation

i remember that the verse which i was given said, "Take heart, and be strong."

successfully solved rubik's cube twice today. whoo! Google earth module exam takes place in a computer lab - we're apparently allowed to bring in one CD-ROM full of stuff.

not-blind faith

2008-11-11T22:21:00.002+08:00

the most blatantly supernatural thing that i have ever personally experienced is having two separate scripture references come to me in a dream. they were not passages i was familiar with, and they both had one particular phrase repeated word-for-word which was relevant to an issue i was facing at the time. this was last december.

thus i know that the God i believe in is real, alive and active, although i may not see it at this particular moment.

what Jesus said was, "even though you do not believe me, believe the miracles." miracles are not crucial to faith, but they help.

pedometer

2008-11-09T14:19:00.002+08:00

my sisters bought my dad a pedometer some days ago. its a cute little device that you're supposed to put in your pocket, and it counts how many steps you've taken with it in your pocket.

it's a cool concept, except that i managed to 'walk' a few hundred steps for my dad by bouncing it on my knee. plus, after he dropped it a few times, it seems prone to going walking all by itself.

as i was bouncing it on my knee, i could feel a weighted spring inside oscillating, so i guess that's how it works. but the question that popped into my mind as i fiddled around with the device it this: is someone who loves to walk alot called a pedophile? :D

side note: IIRC, the Brits spell it with a letter 'a' near the front. Americans can't spell. :)

on an utterly unrelated note, this is something else that was bouncing around my head this morning.

Q: Give one example of a cardinal sin.

A: Pooping in the birdbath.

(in case you didn't get it, click here)

experimenting

2008-11-07T00:08:00.001+08:00

this is what the blog looked like for a few minutes today. was experimenting with blogger. woo.

recovering from election fever.

2008-11-05T23:36:00.002+08:00

i debated whether to spend time following the election news today, considering that i have one test and one lab report due tomorrow, and a presentation on monday.

i eventually decided that it was a historic moment not to be missed.

so i spent approximately 4 hours this morning refreshing various news websites, and a further one-and-a-half hours tonight reading post-mortems. (my fave article so far)

that's approximately 3 times as much time as i spent studying. :)

toast for breakfast

2008-11-05T11:14:00.002+08:00

actually i had prata.

but then i found this online.

hahaha.

i wonder if i post bits of my essay on my blog, whether NUS' plagiarism detectors will pick it up. hmm...

"what? you mean i must go library?"

2008-11-04T17:07:00.003+08:00

i have found my official worst project mate ever.

doing a research project together. i've been working mainly on this since middle of last week. urban development of Singapore over the last 50 years, using old photos superimposed onto Google Earth.

On the day that I asked everyone to have their first draft out, he hasn't written a word. When I leave lab early so i can actually get lunch before my next class, he exclaims, "What?!? then who can i ask if i dunno what to do??"

the day after the first draft was supposed to be out, he messages me. "Oi, I dunno wad to do for (sub-topic X which is half of his entire part)." I head over to LINC, type three words into the search function, then send him two links by MSN. He says, "You mean you got these books?" I tell him no, that he needs to go to the library. He says, "What?! you mean i must go library??"

research project... but doesn't see a need to go to the library. i'd like to take a moment here to quote from the project instructions.

Be warned that most information you can get by Googling is sketchy. You should also use the library, and read reference books.

despite the project scope being from the 1950s to the present, half his section is talking about the Raffles Town plan. Apparently he had done a project on that, so was eager to show off his knowledge.

he writes in Singlish. "Another conflict in the past was that Singapore was ethnically fractured, so no one is interested in funding a free (entrance) and open (to all races) park."

he writes with the finesse and sensitivity of a wrecking ball. "This has alarmed our neighboring countries as the boundary has to be redrawn, causing disputes, momentarily displaying our long history of not so good foreign relationship with our jealous, yet bigger neighbors." i got totally blasted by a teacher in P5 for doing something similar in an essay. apparently it's not nice to create international tension.

i later find out that of the two links i sent to him, he only used one. the other one was in closed stacks, and he didn't want to wait an hour for it.

he writes without citations. he doesn't seem to think they're important. "The reclaimed land has caused damage to our environment in more ways than we have expected. Habitat destruction is reported when land is drained during reclamation. Habitat destruction is the process when the natural habitat is not able to support the species that are living there; usually they are either displaced or destroyed in the process." This was the sum of his writing about the environmental effect of land reclamation. Chains of generic and sweeping statements, devoid of references or actual examples for that matter. This is AFTER he asked me for help, and I sent him a link to an NUS website about coral reefs.

so i basically rewrote his entire section. i've left about 150 words untouched, as a memorial.

on the day that the project is due, at 5pm, he asks me if i've sent him any updates. i ask him to check his email (i had just sent it out). he tells me that he's checked it this morning. i tell him to check his email!!

2008-10-28T23:48:00.002+08:00

i spent over $120 on clothes today. like, wow. i spent over half an hour popping in and out of one changing room trying on an endless procession of items in varying sizes. i can hardly believe myself...

in mitigation, $120 was spread across 5 pieces. :D

unreasonably well

2008-10-17T00:06:00.003+08:00

doing unreasonably well for school so far this sem. just got back a term paper with an 'A'. no comments, no feedback, just a pencil scrawl saying 'good point', and an 'A'.

it was the religion module. the term paper question i picked was this: "One's sexuality/sexual orientation should have nothing to do with one's religiosity. Discuss with reference to at least two major religions."

I had alot of difficulty understanding this question, and my tutor was not helpful in this area. not intentionally unhelpful, but we didn't seem to be speaking the same language. the problem was that i interpreted the question very literally, as i always do. firstly, the phrase "nothing to do with" is all-inclusive, which makes a 'yes' answer difficult to support. secondly, the phrase "nothing to do with" carries no connotation of value judgements, right or wrong, but is more of a statement regarding the scope which religions have over the adherent's life. thirdly, the word "should" carries value judgement with it, implying that there is a right and a wrong as to whether religion should affect one's sexuality. fourthly, the wording of the question "sexuality/sexual orientation" is very open to being defined as broadly or as narrowly as i like.

i guess it was the third point that troubled me the most, and the one which me and my tutor couldn't seem to agree upon. the problem, as always, is that right and wrong are contingent upon one's own set of beliefs. in the end i ignored the point, choosing the convenient position that religion will have as much authority in a man's life as he allows it to, and that i should focus my study on how much authority it tends to get.

i also took umbrage with the "at least two major religions" bit. from what we've learnt in our course so far, the only thing which has really proven true for all religions is that none of them are monolithic, none of them consistently practise and believe exactly the same thing, and that the variation within each major religion is almost as great as that between different religions. therefore, it made no sense to me whatsoever to pick examples from any religion, since you could probably find contradictory statements everywhere.

i had quite alot of fun writing it, since i took what i considered an utterly outlandish stand. i basically said that everyone has some sort of religion, whether or not they consider themselves religious. atheists and agnostics have clearly defined statements of belief. americans treat their Consitution like a sacred text. Vegans treat animals as 'sacred', by certain textbook definitions. furthermore, i posited that all the conventional religious labels are entirely useless in defining a person's belief systems, since one's beliefs are affected not only by religious organisations, but by personal experience, what we hear in the media etc. Simple statements such as "Milk is good for your bones" are statements of belief, ingrained in us through the media and the education system. Each individual's belief system is a potpourri of different influences, a hodgepodge mix of aphorisms and catchphrases, and this constitutes a personal 'religion'.

spending two-thirds of the essay defining terms, i finally embark on my argument, which is basically a one-liner. it is impossible to perform any action or make any decision without reference to certain beliefs, and hence nothing can be considered fully independent of religiosity. and since the essay clearly wasn't long enough, i arbitrarily added in examples from Christianity and Buddhism to support my points in various locations, to hit the minimum word length.

and of course, all my arguments are well-supported with the writings of various sociologists and authors, most significantly a guy called mircea eliade, who basically made the same argument - he called man homo religiosus, and said that no man is truly irreligious. also thomas luckmann, who coined the term 'invisible religion', which is basically all the other things like individualism and familialism and stuff which takes the place of religion nowadays.

someone pointed out to me that in most argumentative essays, one should present both sides of the argument, and say which one you prefer. the problem is, with the way i defined the terms, no counter-argument exists! my definitions were all-inclusive, and i took advantage of a narrowly-defined question until there was nothing else to be said. so i was really rather nervous about that, and i thank God for an 'A'. but truth be told, this is one of the things that annoy me about Christianity sometimes... sometimes it seems to me like the doctrines have been structured such that there's no way to logically disprove it, no way to argue that it is flawed. beyond a certain point, the 'perfect God' trump-card eliminates all basis for argument... but i guess that's just me exalting logic higher than it should be. and i guess that's why faith is a pre-requisite.

i'm just rambling here 'cos i can't seem to sleep tonight.

LFC

2008-10-13T21:02:00.002+08:00

a friend's interpretation of LFC.

truly not walking alone. :) thanks bro!
friends remind you of what you've been doing right when all you can see are your faults.

Recce trip to Ubin

2008-10-12T18:12:00.002+08:00

Ubin was nice. Sky threatened rain for awhile, but then the clouds decided to move away and bother the mainland instead.

Between me, Guanyou, and David, we managed to bring one camera with no memory card, one camera with no batt, and one camera that has poorer resolution than my cameraphone. Many thanks to Guan You for loaning me a SD card temporarily.

saw hornbill. it made my day. :D

also managed to get as close to a sunburn as i've ever been. not really red, but skin abit tender. but everyone else pretty much turned red. thank God for good genes.

2008-10-12T10:18:00.001+08:00

i managed to totally stumble upon 3 different surprises planned for me this week. oops.

geeky and proud of it

2008-10-07T22:04:00.005+08:00

this thought came to me when i was thinking about the kind of stuff people write on their t-shirts.

i saw a girl wearing a shirt saying something like, "I wanted it, I threw a tantrum, I got it." and in my head i was going "poor girl, you've never known anyone with the courage to stand up to you and discipline you."

i started thinking about the kind of shirts i like... they usually involve horrendously bad puns, or in-jokes which not everyone will understand. example of the former: "Christians have the best sects" example of the latter: "There are only 10 kinds of people in the world; those who understand binary, and those who don't."

i suppose it's part of geek culture to be proud of the fact that you have accrued ostentatious amounts of obscure information, and also to show off your vocabulary every now and then. :D
i am beginning to understand that this is a bad thing. i do like to show off what i know at the expense of loving others. praying for change.
i mean, seriously! i even read webcomics! how geeky is that?

i live dangerously...

2008-10-04T12:47:00.000+08:00

twice this week i have left my entire set of keys hanging outside my hostel room door. once, this was overnight - approximately 9 hours.

i thank God that i still have my keys.

hooray for double standards sarcasm

2008-09-29T22:06:00.005+08:00

so i was attempting to find library space to work on a presentation with a friend today. it is well-nigh impossible to get library space (with table, and power-point) anytime after 10am, and i was there at 4pm.

so i backed up into one of those "for cell-phone users only" rooms - i figured that since i needed to discuss the presentation, it was as good an alibi as any.

but nope, a librarian comes along after about 5 minutes and politely asks us to move. i argue abit, but he refuses to give in. so i move.

and then i notice that he hasn't bothered even approaching the other people in all the other cell-phone rooms to ask them to move. he just walked off!

irksome.

and my latest VIVA was horrible. and i've just found an online comic strip that i like, and i've gone through about 600 back strips. only halfway through the archives, but that's still alot for a day when i was supposed to be working.

*edit: reached 1200 before sleeping. whoops*

Zion for whom...

2008-09-25T00:02:00.002+08:00

Jer 32:17b

"...Zion for whom no one cares."

when the words you want to say get choked up in your throat.

i discovered a wound today.

if there's one thing i've been learning of late, it is this: the heart is central.

*weeps*

midnight adventure

2008-09-20T22:09:00.003+08:00

in cell yesterday we were talking abit about how it was important to rid ourselves of the lies that have been placed in our hearts from our past. i guess it was in this context that i had abit of an adventure...

i sprained my knee mildly while playing soccer with the guys - the usual knee gave way again, but it wasn't a bad sprain, because i could walk without too much difficulty after a short rest. but since more soccer was obviously not an option, i decided to head back to hostel. it was then about 11:15pm - i figured i might just about catch the last 151 from clementi area into school. although i missed a 74 just as i arrived at the bus-stop, another one arrived within about 3 minutes.

i was looking anxiously out the back of the bus to see if any 151 was overhauling my bus - if there was, i would need to take emergency action. but i didn't see any other bus my whole journey to clementi, and as i got off at the last bus stop on clementi road, my watch read 11:48pm.

I took a moment to glance at the information board - Service 151, weekdays, last bus at 11:48pm. "Hmm", I thought, "the last bus is usually abit slow. Guess I made it in time." Just about then I received an sms. And by Murphy's law, while I was checking it, 151 zoomed by.

So I thought, "Sigh. Why does this always happen to me." Having missed my last bus, I figured there wasn't much point hanging around, so i started walking towards school. About 3 minutes later, another 151 went past me while I was crossing a traffic light. Sigh... Brilliant decision-making there. Had i just stopped to think for a moment, I would have caught that bus.

So I started asking God why. It's too coincidental not to be pre-arranged. I'm trying o hard to catch the last bus after blowing $7 on a 3-min cab ride last week, I make it there with 30 seconds to spare, my friend smses me at exactly the right moment, I end up walking with a sore knee, and the last bus mysteriously becomes the 2nd last bus. So in the context of what I was talking about earlier, I started identifying the belief statements that I had been spouting. 1) Bad stuff always happens to me. 2) My decision-making is poor.

Both statements are unbiblical. The second one especially hinders me in many things. Fear of making the wrong decision has often crippled me. So awareness is good.

yup, plenty more drama after that. Reached my room at 12:30am. 40 mins of talking to God is nice.

Octopus

2008-09-18T23:08:00.001+08:00

Tell me, O Octopus, I begs
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
If I were thou, I’d call me Us.
-Ogden Nash

gratitude

2008-08-31T13:35:00.002+08:00

was emo-ing badly today during service. i suppose i was just grouchy. was demanding of God what i could expect from Him, what promises i could claim, or whether the whole Christian life was service and suffering...

the scriptures seem to back me up here. Jesus told his disciples this: that if they had a servant who had spent the whole day working in the fields, and came back in the evening, would they not tell the servant to prepare dinner and serve them first before eating his own dinner? and would they thank the servant for doing what he had been told to do? so must we be, having done all that has been asked of us, say only that we are unworthy servants... in another passage, Jesus tells his disciples that anyone who puts his hand to the plow and turns to look back is not fit for the kingdom of God...

was flipping through the gospels during service... sermon was about parenting, so not immediately applicable to me. i stumbled upon a familiar passage, talking about the kingdom of God... it says that the kingdom of God is like a man who discovered a treasure in a field, who then went and sold everything he had and bought the field. and so i was reminded that all our life and all our service has already been bought and paid for, and that it was God who gave us the great gift of salvation first, such that we now give Him our whole life in gratitude.

It reminded me of a song:

It's the great gift of Your salvation
Working in me, working in me
It's the life giving taste of heaven
Your kindness revealed, your kindness revealed to me

I went for a seminar thing yesterday, dozed through bits of it. But one bit which I do remember was when the speaker reminded us that the only acceptable motivation for obeying God is our gratitude. Never should we think that we are somehow doing God a favour, or gaining brownie points with God. Nor should we even work merely out of a sense of duty, lest we should make an idol out of our sense of duty.

I've always insisted that everything I do must have a reason. But it seems to me now that this is another form of pride.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waYUzxK8TYA

a hypothetical question

2008-08-30T22:40:00.003+08:00

one of the questions i've posed to certain wise people i know is this: why should people get married?

the only answer that seems true is because they want to. so that they can enjoy the greater intimacy that can only come from marriage and actually living together and committing to each other for this lifetime. but something about this answer gave me disquiet.

i guess that i have this mindset where wanting to do something isn't a good enough reason to go and do it. and as i think about it more, i guess this is a reaction from my past, where every thing that i wanted was something that was bad for me, and the bible verse which made the most sense to me was Jer 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things."

it also doesn't really jive with the idea that my life is no longer my own, and that everything i do is in service of a higher calling. and yet, as the seminar i went to today touched on, service is the wrong concept.

it's abit of a paradigm shift to think that some of the things i want are actually good things, and that i should just go ahead and strive for them. and i guess marriage falls into this category.

the chosen one

2007-08-28T09:27:00.000+08:00

Henri Nouwen - Life of the Beloved

firstly, know that you are the beloved. Secondly, become the beloved. Enflesh the truth. a lifelong process. 3 spiritual disciplines - firstly, recognise the world for what it is - deceitful, lying, dealing always in condemnation and destruction. the truth is that you are the beloved, well-loved by the perfect One long before this world took you and spat you out. secondly, surround yourself with communities that speak this truth to you. thirdly, overflow with gratitude.

when you recognise that you are truly chosen, it does not breed in you any sense of superiority or arrogance, but rather, it opens your eyes to see the chosen-ness of every other person around you. when you no longer approach people in fear of rejection, or in a condemning spirit, you are free to fully engage with them, wholeheartedly, lovingly. that is why it is said that streams of living water will flow out from within us.

2007-08-22T11:00:00.000+08:00

rushed post. don't have too much time nowadays. :)

Yesterday morning I got pretty angry at God over a trivial thing. Let's just say it was related to a computer game, and I was accusing God of not loving me. :) Really silly, I know. In my defence, let me say that I believe so firmly in God's power that I believe it extends even to computer games. :)

It brought to mind something I read in the Philip Yancey book, "Reaching for the Invisible God", where the author relates a thought that one of his friends had brought to him - "I believe that God is good, but what good is God?" It seems that sometimes being a Christian makes no difference to your life except point out in great detail what your faults are. We don't see gifts and miracles operating in our lives any more than we see them operating in the lives of others around us, and we wonder why we signed up for this faith of self-denial.

Part of the answer lies in the book of James. "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." God loves us enough that He will not give us something that encourages our faults - He risks our anger and our rejecting Him to keep us holy and pure and set apart for Him. God wants to teach us not to covet the things of this world, so that we will not always "quarrel and fight", "kill and covet", and that we will not cultivate a friendship with this world.
There is a difference between our wants and our needs, and God WILL respond to our needs, and MAY respond to our wants, if they are not against His will. Will God give you a million dollars if He knows that it will encourage you to become lazy and slothful, and to indulge worldly lusts?

Another part of the answer is in James 1. God is training us in perseverance. Other parts of the answer lie in our own sin. I was talking with some friends about salvation, and whether it was truly a free gift in light of all the Bible says the different things which we must not do, or that we should do. It seems to me that we do others a disservice, when we emphasise the free gift that is grace, and make no mention of the life change that needs to follow.
After some thought, I guess that freedom and grace are free indeed, but that by our own actions we willfully walk back into the slavery of sin. No one can serve two masters - if we sin continually and willfully, we are putting ourselves into slavery under sin, and we forfeit the freedom that was bought for us by Christ. That is why the Bible says that idolaters, drunkards and other miscellaneous evil-doers will not enter heaven, because such men have returned to Egypt and slavery. This was confirmed for me in the book of Jude, which condemns those who "change the grace of our God into a license for immorality". Do not be deceived; God is holy.
Grace is free, but no one said it was easy. Jesus himself said that those who come to Him must hate even their own life, and be willing to carry the cross as He did. (Luke 14:25-27)

"I no longer call you servants..."

2007-08-01T11:19:00.000+08:00

Still reading John Bevere's book... the lessons are rather hard to take.

A servant obeys, but not always willingly. He may be unhappy in his heart with what he has been asked to do, he may not always be able to understand the will of his Master, but he obeys because he understands that obedience is non-negotiable.

A friend understands the heart and innermost desires of the Master. He does what the Master asks with great joy and without hesitation, and desires what the Master desires.

Taking the analogy a step down, a parasite or thief lives off the generosity of the master. He neither obeys nor recognises the authority of the Master of the house, but in spite of this stridently claims food and board as his right.

I obey, but not always joyfully. The fear of the Lord is helping me to keep His commands. But how does one move from servant to friend?

Covetousness is the root of much sin. Covetousness tells God that He isn't doing His job properly, that you could do a better job than He, and that your own personal needs are more important to you than your relationship with Him. The Israelites were unhappy with how the Lord had been sustaining them. Balaam always questioned the Lord's commands. Covetousness is like the sin of idolatry (Eph 5:5 I think)

Hunger

2007-07-23T12:41:00.000+08:00

Today I was reading chapter 3 of 'Drawing Near', by John Bevere.

he talks about some churches which have grown lukewarm. Quoting from Revelations 3 - "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold not hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (v15-16,NIV)

The cause? in the very next verse. "You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realise that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked."(v17) We allow the things of this world to satisfy us. One way to detect this life satisfaction is to listen to what we are excited to talk about. Do we love to talk about the amazing things God is doing in our lives? Or do we get more excited talking about our plans for our ministry? Or do we get most excited talking about sports, school, common friends etc. I admit, this must be corrected slightly for our Asian culture, but still.

To be clear, this is not sin. This is only a failure to take hold of all which God has to offer us, to settle for the smallest fraction of God's goodness.

v20 is often used by evangelists, calling the unsaved to repentance. The verse is familiar to all of us - "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and open the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (v20) Yet this message was being said to the church. God is knocking at the door of our churches, and asking to come in. This is further confirmed in verse 22, "He who has ears, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." (emphasis mine)

We will hunger for what we feed on. This concept is similar to what Rick Warren pushes with his '40 days to form a habit' message, but I prefer John Bevere's take on it, because it gels so well with what I've been experiencing and hearing in my own life.

We will hunger for what we feed on, and this is true with real food. If we are always eating junk food, we will crave more junk food. But when we make that deliberate step to change our eating habits, to take more vegetables and fruits, it may start our being very difficult, but then we learn to tolerate it, and then later to enjoy it. It's taken me a couple of years to love my dark green leafy vegetables, but I'm so glad for it. Similarly for my Bible reading, or Christian literature. It's starting to become a habit - not a discipline, but something I enjoy and look forward to. It's so amazing. "A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb." (Prov 27:7) And it's also painfully obvious that I've never made blogging a habit. =) but it's not terribly important, so that's alright.

2007-07-18T14:30:00.000+08:00

My life must be Christ's broken bread
My love his outpoured wine
A cup o'erfilled, a table spread
Beneath his name and sign
That other souls, refreshed and fed,
May share his life through mine.

Albert Orsborn, ex-general of the Salvation Army.

I'd include the other verses as well, but I don't fully understand them. What is the winepress? Why is the fruitful vine a burden?

Encouragement

2007-07-06T17:59:00.000+08:00

Hebrews 3:13 says, "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is
called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's
deceitfulness."

I was greatly encouraged yesterday, as I met up with a few friends who
had just been on a mission trip to the Philippines, as they testified
non-stop about the goodness of God as shown through the trip. It was
not a time of great signs and wonders, of miracles that gave glory to
God, but more of an eye-opening trip, as God showed each of them more
about themselves, and humbled them through the faith and the witness
of the very people they had come to serve.

It amazes me that anyone could bring themselves to preach about
tithing to the extremely poor, or about faith to those in dire
straits. We, who have never been through the kind of hardships they
face every day, surely have no right to even speak of these things to
them. Yet God's grace was abundant in them, as they accepted the
message, and by God's grace, the message even ministered to some of
them.

And as I read this verse, I remembered the wealth of emails I had
received these past weeks testifying of God's goodness. And I've been
putting off reading them, because I've just grown cynical about such
things, but as some of my friends said yesterday, these things are
there to encourage us, and keep us from becoming hardened.

Elsewhere in Hebrews 3, it refers readers back to Ps 95. It talks
about the journey of the Israelites through the desert, and how they
angered God until He declared that they would never enter His rest.
And this is an analogy for our lives too. The Israelites were
obedient to the call to leave Egypt, an obedience borne out of the
fear of the wrath of God. But like many Christians, they became
complacent, demanding, disobedient, and lost their inheritance.

This is a warning to those who believe that once saved is forever
saved. Believing in your heart and confessing with your mouth that
Jesus is Lord is a continual process, and disobedience will disqualify
us from our eternal inheritance just as surely as it did the
Israelites. For our God is an unchanging God, the same yesterday,
today and forever.

Made perfect through suffering

2007-07-05T15:10:00.000+08:00

In Hebrews 2:10 thereabouts, it suggests that Jesus was made perfect through the suffering he endured here on earth, which seems to me a strange thing. How can God be made more perfect?

Further down in the chapter it explains that this was partly to do with Jesus' role as a mediator on our behalf and high priest, who is now better able to empathise with our sufferings, having gone through many of them.

it reminded me of something i read in a book some time back, which posed the conundrum that when God created the earth and man, He knew that it was going to descend into the sin and anarchy that we have now. But He created it anyway.

The book went on further to propose that suffering is key to greater glory. there is no glory in being a middle-class person from an average family who grew up to do something great. There is great acclamation for the boy who came from a poor and broken home who grew up to do that same great thing. It's like that quadriplegic who completes triathlons, with his dad pulling him all the way. We admire them because they had a much tougher route to get to where they are now.

Why did God allow Satan to wreck all this havoc in what was once a 'good' world? Because what comes out of the chaos has been tested and proven.

The Creator

2007-07-04T11:58:00.000+08:00

In days long past,
every possession was hand-crafted lovingly by an artisan,
and it was easy to imagine a Creator God who did the same.

In the days of the Industrial Revolution,
possessions are cranked out ceaselessly by impersonal, uncaring machines,
and it is easy to imagine that the Universe works in this way too.

But Who created this machine?

Wanted: Me

2007-07-02T11:52:00.000+08:00

Been doing alot of thinking of late. It started with feelings of guilt, about certain things which I've been putting off. Things which aren't really my responsibility, but which would be good to do anyway. And the train of thought derailed into a far-ranging discourse on serving God, and what exactly it is we are called to do, helped along by various discussions about our life's purpose and how we glorify God.

I reflected back on my journey with God, starting from when I first started to get serious about this whole God business some six or seven years ago, way back in Sec3, where my idea of glorifying God meant putting all of my heart, mind, soul and strength into worship. Shouting out the songs at the expense of my voice, analysing each line and word of every song to see if I could truly mean the words that were being sung, and being quiet if I couldn't. It was all the love that a child knew how to give. The rest of my life wasn't particularly significant - I spent approximately half my waking hours playing computer games - but I worshipped God the only way I knew how.

I remembered how when I went to JC, loving God meant setting aside time for him each morning to seek His presence - the first time I had ever managed a consistent quiet time. I was not satisfied to give Him 15 minutes of my morning on a crowded train - I desperately wanted God's presence each day, giving myself huge amounts of leeway time so that I wouldn't feel any time pressure when I came before Him. Getting to school at insane hours to enjoy the quiet hours with Him. Before I cracked open my Bible, I would sit and pray until I felt God's presence with me, and then I would start reading. Yet I coasted through the other parts of my life, blessed in all abundance with intelligence and good friends.

Over time, I was convicted of the need to use my gifts to serve God. I felt that the next step for me was to move out and begin serving, to stop being a parasite living off the church, but an active, contributing member. I felt that God gave me gifts so I could use them to bless His people, not to hide them under a bushel, a prompting made all the more urgent by the multitude of gifts I knew I had been given. And this new direction has challenged me greatly, forcing me far from my comfort zone in some circumstances, leaving me often weary in mind and body. And in doing so, I have been discovering new strengths, new gifts, and I know that God's been working in me, to repair the broken bits and to strengthen the working bits. And it's been great.

But wondering at these feelings of guilt, which are gradually becoming more familiar, I come to the realisation that I have wandered from my first love. I have subscribed to the belief that doing significant things is the measure of my day, and by extension the measure of my worth. Although I have heard this message many ties before, it has never struck home like this. I remember ending many days with regret at time wasted on worthless things, set upon by thoughts of self-condemnation. And measuring myself by this yardstick, I have come to measure others in the same way, leading to a judgemental attitude.

I pondered upon the analogy of a parent-child relationship, and reflected on how that relationship was independent of any outside success or failure on either person's part, dependent only on mutual love. I thought about the stories I've heard about children who felt overburdened, and ultimately unloved, because of the weight of parental expectation, and I remembered that my God is not like that. My God is the perfect Father, and He loves me with a perfect love that is unchanging and unshakeable.

We were looking at a discussion question which asked us what our primary purpose in life was, and I answered that it was to glorify God. My answer has changed. Our primary purpose in life is to love God. A lesson I was taught a long time ago and had forgotten till recently was that if you had done nothing else of worth in a day except worship God, then that day had been well spent for that reason alone. I remembered Micah 6:8, which had been my favourite verse once, a long time ago, which tells me that the Lord requires nothing of me but to love mercy, do justly, and walk humbly before my God. I imagine the joy which a parent would feel, when a child comes back beaming from a day of fun and relaxation, and I imagine that God would be the same way. After all, God is happy when we are happy.

The caution then, is not to take this lesson overboard. As in bringing up any child, there are times to love them and times to discipline them; times to comfort them, and times to challenge them. As I have been challenged, I hear this call to remember my first love, and to shift my focus to where it should never have left. But even as I feel more justified now to do things which are relaxing and recreational, I must not make them the focus of my life, and I have no idea how the lines are drawn. But one thing I know - that as long as I make room for God in my life, I am moving in the right direction.

knowing

2007-06-12T12:32:00.000+08:00

The Christian has a great advantage over other men not by being less fallen than they, nor less doomed to live in fallen world, but by knowing that he is a fallen man in a fallen world - Clives Staples Lewis

Both these things lead us to the feet of God. Who else can we turn to? Either there is a God, and we have a faint and flickering hope, which can sometimes be seen, and sometimes not. Or else there is no God, and all we do here on this earth is meaningless, and without a final purpose.

One issue which I have with Christianity nowadays, a trait which seems to me to be thankfully in remission, is the reliance upon cliched answers to vexing questions. I am surely guilty of it often enough, which is why i try as far as possible to relate my own personal experiences rather than just biblical teachings.

The Bible does show a number of persons who persist in offering cliched, Scripturally accurate answers across 37 chapters, and they are roundly rebuked as having "not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has." Job is said here to have spoken rightly of God, but what did Job say?

Reading: Reaching for the Invisible God, by Philip Yancey.

Someone likened God and his creation to be like an author with his novel - ever-present and invisible, working all the threads together towards its intended end. Never appearing in person, but manifesting his will through circumstances and the decisions of the characters.

ministry

2007-05-02T21:09:00.000+08:00

someone approached me recently to talk to me about full-time ministry... said that the door would always be open if ever i wanted to consider it... talked about how he and others had always been favourably impressed by me...

somehow i always seem to leave a favourable impression on adults i work with... i have no idea why, because i know plenty of people who are more capable than i am... and i guess that i'm quite familiar with all my faults, so it always surprises me a little...

yet our faults are always the part of us hidden most deeply... is it any wonder that no one ever sees them? you can do all the right things in public, but no one ever really knows how faithful you are in the secret place...

the exams are over, and it seems that my life and ministry has been suspended for about... two months or so. which is sad, really...

"Resist the devil....

2007-04-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

From the book i'm reading...

"He doesn't treat the temptations and accusations as if they are weaknesses within himself;"

how hard is it to believe this? we are so willing to believe the worst about ourselves... we are sceptical or disbelieving of things in the spiritual realm... it seems easier to think that we are innately pre-disposed towards sin, and that we are 'dragged off by our own sinful desires' (biblical, can't remember where). But the truth which i have trouble believing is that my heart is now good, that my heart of stone has been replaced by a heart of flesh, and that God's Spirit lives in me, such that these sinful desires are no longer part of me. They were banished when I became a Christian, but the devil continues to try and input them into me daily, taking advantage of my belief in the lie that I am sinful by nature.

"nor does he act as though they will go away if he tries to ignore him."

the secret to resisting the devil is not in self-discipline and determination, but in active resistance. demolish the lie, speak the truth, claim the blood of Jesus Christ and command the tempting spirit to leave in the name of Jesus... again, I have forgotten these things for so long... i have failed to see my struggles as spiritual in nature, and i have been joyless these two months.

i was asking God earlier... "How can I know You more?" asking whether i might have someone to come into my life to train me up in these things - but i remembered that God can do that just fine, even without human help. and i was wondering what i could do now, to learn more about God, and i remembered my book! and a pretty good book it is too! first book in ages - really need to develop a habit of reading edifying stuff.

book

2007-04-25T21:24:00.000+08:00

been reading "The Way of the Wild Heart", by John Eldredge. it's a sequel of sorts to "Wild at Heart", which is a book written by the same guy some years ago.

It's a book for men, and I think that alot of what he writes is spot on. About men running from challenges that seem too big for them, about men and their refusal to approach people for help (the lost-and-refuse-to-ask-for-directions cliche), about their non-relationships with their own fathers and how this transmits down the generations.

He talks how each man needs a mentor, a 'sifu', a father figure to guide him. not just to teach him how, but to stand alongside him, watch him as he tries something new, to give approval, encouragement, feedback. something which i am particularly sensitive to, and which i try consciously to do, because i thought it lacking in my own life.

he talks about the different stages in a man's life, and how many of the crisis' that face men as they get older is a throwback in some sense to stages of their life that had been abruptly cut short. it spoke to me so strongly that i can even remember the stages without needing to think too hard about it - it seems almost intuitive. beloved son, cowboy, warrior, lover, king, sage. it helps that he draws examples from classic literature (LotR again!!) as well as more contemporary offerings (The Lion King and many other movies I've never watched).

There's a ladies version too, apparently. Co-authored by Stasi Eldredge (his wife). Should be an interesting read... won't mind finding out how women work. :)

A winning mentality, or...

2007-04-22T23:55:00.000+08:00

one thing which scares me alot about my personality is that i cannot play any game without trying my best to win.

even if i decide mentally that, ok, i should play less competitively because i'm spoiling the game for everyone else, i still find it impossible to resist winning when i see the opportunity.

a little of it depends on my focus going into the game - if i am deliberately trying to build relationships with the people i'm playing with, then my focus will be shifted away from the game. but if i have no ulterior motive in mind, then i will focus to the best of my abilities on the game at hand, plotting and scheming my way to victory. this might also have something to do with me being a sore loser sometimes.

it just scares me, because i wonder what it is in me that desires to win so much. and i see a strong need to show that i am better than others, which strikes me as plain arrogance, because even if i am 'better' at one particular thing than someone else, it is by God's grace, and the other person probably stomps me flat at other things.

it also speaks to me of a deep-seated insecurity, that i don't believe that i am a capable person, which drives me to prove myself in any arena placed before me. this also explains some of the times that i am afraid to try new things, because i hesitate to show my incompetence in things i have never tried. and why often i don't ask questions even when i don't understand things, because i am afraid of appearing stupid.

and it's just sad, because this pride has really hindered me in many ways. i know that i could have done so much more with my life had i been less prideful. and that's sad.

anyway, what brought this discussion about was a game of Absolute Balderdash, which i won without talking too much to anyone in particular. sigh... but i enjoyed myself!

Christianity of Harry Potter

2007-04-21T21:11:00.000+08:00

pretty good, well-balanced article on a Christian perspective on Harry Potter. extremely well-reseached and documented, and especially meaningful to me because i know his reference material very well (Narnia,LotR, and to a limited extent, CS Lewis' space trilogy).

http://decentfilms.com/sections/articles/magic.html

however, the article only compares the works based on their respective treatments of the concept of magic, and does not address the over-arching themes of the stories, which is one reason why i like Harry Potter so much. so it's not a complete view. further comments here.

http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=4470031

2007-03-31T22:27:00.000+08:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=dTofMmaIKmk&mode=related&search=

just putting this here so i can remember where it is...

2007-03-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

Matt 10:33 But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

parental approval

2007-03-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

i had this mental image of God talking to one of the othe beings that hang around in heaven, pointing at me and saying, "Look! See that guy there! Yeah! THAT one! That's my son!"

it feels quite nice.

poultry-fication

2007-03-10T01:09:00.000+08:00

i chickened out today. like a chicken running from the chopping block, when push came to shove, i exited, stage left. i'm mixing metaphors too. apparently it's a bad habit.

and so i'm left to ruminate on what could have been. the conditions were all right - pastor was there, lending his support. there were a whole bunch of old faces whom i hadn't seen in forever, and i do believe that they came for a reason. some people gave me discouraging remarks, but i had put that away as the result of an over-analytical mind. in every song i found words of encouragement, spurring me onwards. but.

and i feel a little bit like Peter, after the rooster crowed. left alone to rue decisions made in the heat of the fight. so terribly apt that i testified about failure today - look! it has come true again!

i am looking for the restoration that Jesus gave Peter, but i think that it has to come from the mouth of a person. and i have a few people in mind, so i guess that's good.

i've got a page of my planner that's gradually filling up with blog entries delayed. somehow i don't think they'll ever get posted.

gay

2007-02-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

Been reading 1 Corinthians for my daily QT... i realised some time ago that the Bible actually refers to homosexuals fairly often... it condemns homosexual activity in manifold locations in both the old and the new testaments... and I came across one of those references again today in 1 Cor 6.

And the thought which has occured to me before, and struck me again today, is that such activities must have been fairly prevalent for the Bible writers to address them directly. Moses, in the Pentateuch, addresses all manner of deviant sexual behaviour including homosexual activity and sex with animals, specifically instructing the Israelites NOT to imitate any of the despicable practices of the tribes which they were about to displace. Paul urged the early Christians not to engage in activities such as homosexual activity and male prostitution, which must have been fairly mainstream if word of it traveled all the way to wherever Paul was writing from. Given that Paul wrote his letters in the first century AD, and that the Pentateuch was written well before that (church tradition places it around 1400 BC), we see that such problems are not unique to our modern culture.

And so perhaps the Bible is more relevant than we think it is.

Socially Acceptable

2007-01-30T17:51:00.000+08:00

Technically, this was written 4 days ago when i had a severely malfunctioning laptop and no internet, but i haven't found a chance to post it till now...

Obeying God’s commands, or obeying social norms. When you proudly declare that you have never murdered anyone at all in your lifetime, is that because you fear God, or because you fear the potential repercussions?

That’s an extreme example, so bring it a little closer home. Right next to where it says “Thou shalt not murder”, is a similarly well-known line “Thou shalt not lie”. Yet somehow, we see the two as a world apart in terms of “severity” and “gravity”. Why?

What brought this argument to mind was that discussion on how ladies choose to dress. Someone was talking about bikinis. How the amount of materiel used to make a bikini is significantly less than the amount that goes into normal underwear. How the amount of skin being covered dwindles to an insignificant amount. How the styles and designs, or lack thereof, leave extremely little to the imagination. How is it an offence for a lady to walk around in underwear in Orchard Road, yet be perfectly acceptable to wear even less at the beach.

The truth is, of course, that men need to learn to stop staring. If a man wants to look twice, he will find something to look at, unless the ladies are dressed in burqas and veils. But that’s entirely besides the point. How can one person have two different opinions of right and wrong based on circumstances? It’s like saying it’s ok to lie sometimes, and ok to kill sometimes. And it belies the truth, that as Christians we no longer hold on to the gold standard we once had. The truth is that often, our values are based on what is socially acceptable within our own networks. Because our networks are so often mainly Christian, so our standards are somewhat higher than some other people. But because we come into contact with others, as we must, those standards melt like snowmen in the sun.

It is a tragedy.

Black//White

2007-01-24T23:45:00.001+08:00

It’s past midnight, but I can’t sleep. Have an ansolutely full day tomorrow… schedule packed full fropm 9am to 9pm, and I need my sleep, but I can’t. thinking too much.

Thinking hard about an absolutely long talk I had on Sunday with a few friends. Talking about two issues, mainly. How ladies dress nowsadays, and clubbing. Asking about what Christianity had to say on these two things, and the general principles involved. About where the standards lay in these two areas. And we couldn’t seem to agree on a standard, which seriously worries me…

The simple view is: there is no standard. There is nothing explicit mentioned in the bible. Take the issue of ladies dressing for example. we are instructed not to be a stumbling block to others, but that verse has been used to justify so many unreasonable things that it is hard to apply that verse now. The second one that I just thought of is that a ladies beauty should not be in ornaments and perfume, but in good character and a godly spirit. But again, there is no clear cut standard.

One argument I heard is that we cannot isolate ourselves from the world. One extreme example would be the mormons, who are instantly recognizable by the way they dress. But no non-christian would dare approach them, and few Christians would either, such is their reputation. If we begin to impose rules and standards on people, is that where we are headed? Besides, Jesus admonished the Pharisees, who tithed on mint and cumin and dill, but ignored grace and mercy, when both should not be neglected. Rules are not the be all and end all of things, yet we should not rely on the law.

Yet without the law, we have slipped up. How are we set apart from the world, if in every respect we look and worse, act just like them. As the song by Steven Curtis Chapman puts it, what about the change? What about the difference? What about the life that’s showing I’m undergoing the change?? It is all to common to hear nowadays that people believe in our God, but they don’t see anything different about becoming a Christian.

So, pondering these things tonight, some things came to me and I must write them down before I forget.

Someone mentioned to me today that beyond all of our theological arguments of where the standards lie, deep within our hearts we know that there are certain standards to be followed. As people, we are all too good as using logic to justify our actions, twisting words for our benefit, while suppressing the voice of truth. A friend once told me that the more he found himself trying to justify an action, the more likely it was that the action was wrong. A thought that came to me some days ago was that we as people tend to make our decisions first and then tailor our arguments to support our decision. The verse which comes to mind goes something like, be ye doers of the word also, and not just hearers only, thereby deceiving yourselves.

We must learn to be honest with ourselves, and listen to that still small voice within us, the voice of truth that tells us a different story from what the world argues. For if we are truly born again, then the Spirit of God resides within us, and we can depend on the Spirit to guide us. As it says in Scripture, as many as are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. Jesus himself said that we, his sheep, know his voice and follow him. Let us take the advice of Mary, mother of Jesus to heart. "Whatever he says to you, do it."

oh what a dreadful day

2007-01-20T00:43:00.000+08:00

how foolish i was to think that that day would be great. in my naivete i neglected to consider the repercussions. thankfully i have a girlfriend who is experienced in such matters to advise me.

general principle: the day after a spiritual high tends to be absolutely terrible. revenge attacks, if you will. won't elaborate much, but the 'highlight' of the day was dropping my laptop. it's spoilt now, and is in for servicing indefinitely, which just about cripples my work life. sigh...

but what i really want to thank God for is for friends who will remain oblivious to the storm clouds over your head and the "Go Away" written plainly all over your face, and hang around and chat happily to you until you actually feel better.

another observation from wise gf - if a person is being exceptionally unreasonable and refuses to accept plain logic, it could be a spiritual stronghold? hmm...

Beholding God's Glory

2007-01-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

A concept introduced to me some time ago by a lady called Sarah Yang was "Beholding God's Glory". Don't really understand it, but it involves meeting God not through the Word, nor through worship, nor through prayer in words or tongue, but a kind of sitting and resting and... beholding. Just looking and seeing God's glory. She would put a worship CD on, and just sit and behold, and I tried that today.

So I was lying on my back, on my bed, gazing at the ceiling. I was wide awake, but lying down, because it seemed that God was up there somewhere, and a picture came into my mind - i saw the night sky, and the stars winking in the darkness, and I saw a tube made of some translucent, clear material, stretching away from me up and up into the Heavens, and a thought came to mind. The exact phrasing eludes me now, but... "Now that I'm fasting, I have a clear, direct, unimpeded line to Heaven." and then this. "Ask whatever you want."

So I spoke what I wanted. It seemed important to speak it aloud somehow. Three things I wanted. To know the will of God, to do the will of God, and to be empowered and anointed for the doing. and then, after a few more minutes... nothing. And I wondered whether I had said something wrong, or whether I had missed something somehow, whether I'd been distracted. And I pondered that for awhile, and then i decided that, you know, perhaps that was what God wanted to say for today, and that I would find out more tomorrow. Eagerly waiting tomorrow.

I write this here as testimony, and a reminder of what I am promised.

that'll be six dollars, sir. here's your change

2007-01-11T19:36:00.000+08:00

funny thing happened yesterday while i was watching a play at the esplanade.

me: i'll have the apple juice please
bartender: that'll be six dollars, sir
*i hand over a fifty dollar bill(
*she rummages about in the till and extracts my change*
bartender: that'll be six dollars, sir. here's your change.
*she hands me six dollars*

me: er... i gave you fifty dollars.
*i show her how much change she gave me*
bartender: ... oh, sorry sir.
*takes back the change, rummages in the till again, and hands me $46*
me: er...
*hands a two dollar note back*

kinda reminds me of that riddle i heard in J1 about the 3 guys having to pay a $30 bill at a restaurant. =). i hope i didn't traumatize the bartender for life.

Harry Potter IQ Test

2007-01-09T19:36:00.000+08:00

been awhile since i did this badly for a test... dangzit. obviously reading it thrice is entirely insufficient. nooo.....

I Come From The Spion Kop

2007-01-05T00:31:00.000+08:00

listening to: Poor Scouser Tommy, via the official Liverpool FC website. pretty funky lyrics for a football cheer. think the local schools have alot to learn when it comes to cheers. =)

was waiting at the bus stop today. saw a guy behind me, from a local secondary school. pretty sure he was in lower sec... still in shorts, he was. he was smoking, which shocked me personally, and his conversation was sprinkled liberally with hokkien.

after i got up on the bus, i was thinking to myself... you know, these are the kind of people i am expected to reach out to when i become a teacher... or, now as i type and think... even now, if i come across them.

i've always had abit more passion for the quiet ones, because that is who i was/am. i believe that i could have achieved and learnt so much more, and become so much more, had someone challenged me when i was younger. not challenge, as in confrontation, but challenge, as in to hone, as iron sharpens iron. to bring me out of my comfort zone, to find the limits of my talents and abilities. army finally did that for me, but it should have been done so much earlier, and school is one place where it could have been done.

but what can i do with the destructive ones? the ones with a dim view of authority, who take pride in rebelliousness, who insist on standing out in every negative way possible? i was thinking about this on my bus ride...

it's an attention-seeking thing, i'm sure, though i have no experience and authority to back me up. challenging authority, mocking the values of the day are the easiest ways to gain notoriety and a certain kind of respect, and my gut feel is that these actions stem out of a lack of self-worth and identity. so i guess a solution would simply be to engage them as people. consult their opinions on things - try and get reasoned opinions out of them if they spout anti-authority rhetoric at you. learn about their lives, relationships and interests as if it were something tremendously important to you, and not just as if it were important, but because it is important.

i categorise people whom i meet and see, and i interact with them accordingly. and the way i act with different groups of people is painfully obviously different to me, and it ashames me, because it seems like such a judgemental thing to do. how do i break out of this?

Beloved

STP

two.

"Make it your goal..."

Dead and alive.

Asleep in the light

A tip of the hat...

Salvo Audio

dad time

Perfection

Reflections

Two stones...

iRead

The first day of the next three months...

board games

again.

Cats

ieatishootievangelise

Prince of Egypt

rest

Habits...

A thin line...

imeeeem.

stupid bureaucrats...

his disgrace...

joking aside...

zaftig

zaftig

Long sideburns are biblical...

not my people

by faith, not by sight

something worse may happen

and here's to a happy new year...

ety...

temporal...

Newsweek Epic Fail

*drool*

Hello Moto....

if attacked by afore-mentioned nuts...

remembering the driving

study plan

not-blind faith

pedometer

experimenting

recovering from election fever.

toast for breakfast

"what? you mean i must go library?"

unreasonably well

LFC

Recce trip to Ubin

geeky and proud of it

i live dangerously...

hooray for double standards *sarcasm*

Zion for whom...

midnight adventure

Octopus

gratitude

a hypothetical question

the chosen one

"I no longer call you servants..."

Hunger

Encouragement

Made perfect through suffering

The Creator

Wanted: Me

knowing

ministry

"Resist the devil....

book

A winning mentality, or...

Christianity of Harry Potter

parental approval

poultry-fication

gay

Socially Acceptable

Black//White

oh what a dreadful day

Beholding God's Glory

that'll be six dollars, sir. here's your change

Harry Potter IQ Test

drool

hooray for double standards sarcasm